Post # 1
I need to vent…this is going to be long.
I’ve been engaged to my fiancé for about a year and 4 months now. We’ve been together a total of 7 years and met shortly before graduating college.
I moved to a big city to continue my studies, we did long distance for some time, and then he moved a few years later. Since I graduated in 2009 I was able to get a job, work in my field and make decent money. I’m turning 30 in a few months and things are pretty good in the career landscape. I feel confident in my career and comfortable with my salary. I’ve always been hard worker and made sure to get my studies in and to work hard in my early jobs so that it would pay off. I really am not one of those people that likes to owe money, tough it, just scrape by. I realize that most people don’t like that but some people can live with that. I, on the other hand, cannot. I saw my parents do this and we were never by any means poor but there were some things that I felt I was denied as a child because my mom didn’t work and my dad didn’t exactly make a ton of money. For that reason, I went to college, got a second degree and specialized and now I’m working on moving into a Director level in my career.
My fiancé hasn’t really figured out what he wants to do. This has brought on a lot of stress in our relationship specially when our wedding is 6 months away. I am freaking out. He is working at two restaurants to hardly make ends meet. He’s a few months younger than I am so I always thought he would catch up but now that we’re nearing our 30’s and he’s still “not sure” of what he wants to do it’s really driving me crazy.
To make matters worse when we got engaged he gave me a ring that I hated. It was a lot smaller than I wanted (I stressed to him multiple times that I wanted a big ring and he should start saving) and it wasn’t even close to the style that I wanted either. So, after he gave me the ring I started to feel like “what else am I going to have to give up down the road?”. This is the first thing I have to give up on and then what? Am I going to have to give up the lifestyle I’ve worked for because of his income? Am I going to have to give up the kind of home I want in the area that I want because of him? Will we be able to afford kids?
I guess I’m freaking out because the wedding pressure is huge and because I’m terrified that this wont ever change. That he wont ever have a career that helps bring in money for a house, kids, travel, etc. Ive been patiently waiting here for about 5 years (since I started my career) and he hasn’t really done much.
I’ve talked to him about this multiple times. We are going to start seeing a therapist next week but I guess I’m just terrified of this situation and I feel like I should have to be going through this when our wedding is coming up. I should be happy, I should be excited, I should be able to plan without worrying about him having a set job. I shouldn’t be worrying about this anymore? And I’m resenting him for a) not making sure I was happy with my engagement ring and b) not pulling his weight financially for this long.
Did anyone else have a situation like this before they got married? Is anyone in this situation now? How do you deal?!?!
Post # 2
If money is really important to the future you want, you need to reconsider who you’re with. Have you told him this bluntly so he gets the idea? My FI and I will probably top out at $100k combined due to our career paths, but I’m fine with that. If you require a finer lifestyle to be happy (not judging, some people are just wired that way), then will you be miserable if he can’t provide that?
Sometimes love really isn’t enough.
Post # 3
Oh dear. Well first of all I really dont understand the emphasis that some American bees put on the ring. We picked out the ring together and I paid half. I would never expect him to fork out for a massive ring if I wanted it (especially if he’s not earning so much). but anyway, its important to you, and you feel let down.
I’ll say it straight, I dont think you are going to be happy with him and therapy is a waste of time. Call it off.
Post # 4
netto614: I chose a career path that I knew would pay me good money. I wont ever make like 500K but I think alone I could at least get to 200K or 250K.
I’ve stressed to him a lot how this affects me and what my expectations are. I’m just having such a hard time because he is such a wonderful guy.
I never have to worry about the house being a mess (he cleans, cooks, washes dishes, does laundry). When we have people visit he is great at getting the house together and making everyone feel welcome. Everyone loves him including my friends and fmaily. He would be the best stay at home dad. The issue is that we live in a very expensive city so that would just never be an option for us. We would have to both work regardless of how much I make. He’s also very supportive emotionally but financially is obviously lacking. We’ve been through a lot together which is why I love him and why I’ve stuck it out this long but my brain cant help but panic when I thnk that hes 29 and still not financially stable.
<br />”love isnt enough” thats kind of how I feel right now. I feel like yes, I love him, yes hes great but this is a HUGE issue for me. Of course the other part of me thinks i’d be making a huge mistake by letting such a great guy go.
Post # 5
cheapblingring: Im married and I still dont know what I want to be when i grow up. For some of us its just not as easy. Traditional wedding vows state “for better or worse, richer or poorer”. You dont sound like you are up for the less desirable situation. Maybe you shouldnt be getting married to this man. And as far as your ‘small’ ring goes… i would have married my husband with no ring. I really think you need to rethink this relationship because I dont think its going to end well.
Post # 6
He is happy with the way he is. You either have to accept that or find someone who wants the same things you do. Or be like my friend. She makes the money so she pays for the vacations, cars,, homes, etc bc that’s what she wants.
Post # 7
My mom used to sometimes say “the world needs ditch-diggers, too.” Not everyone is called to an actual career path; some people go through life with just a steady stream of jobs and no actual career. Others find a career path that is less lucrative (especially the very selfless people who choose careers in the nonprofit/humanitarian sector). Not everyone is going to have a corner office and a fancy title. If your partner is not showing any indication that he wants to persue a traditional career, you have a few choices:
1. Accept that he is not going to be a career-driven individual, and scale back your financial expectations accordingly and/or increase your own income, because you believe a more modest life with him is better than a more luxurious life without him
2. Accept that he is not going to be a career-driven individual, and leave him
3. Pray that he wakes up and wants to get his MBA (not likely to happen, and very likely to leave you disappointed and bitter)
For some folks, there is a 4. which is to encourage him to persue a non-traditional career, which may be very rewarding to him but may be a bigger financial risk to you both, such as a person who loves home brewing might find a fantastic career opening a craft brewery (and very lucrative for the chosen few) but might also go broke and take the family fortune along for the bankruptcy (the failure rate in small businesses is massive). It sounds like you are not suited for supporting a partner through this kind of a risk though.
Post # 8
You can’t change someone. As PP stated, you need to reevaluate who you are with. You sound extremely high-maintenance (not a bad thing if that’s who you legitimately are) but you need to realize that the man you are with is NOT the same as you. Either accept it or move on but at this rate you will never be happy. If you alone can make 250,000 and not live within your means without “scraping by” then you have serious issues. No offense. Perhaps your FI is going to more of a ‘stay-at-home’ husband? I don’t know. but this won’t work with your attitude and expectations.
Post # 9
I really am not one of those people that likes to owe money, tough it, just scrape by. I realize that most people don’t like that but some people can live with that. I, on the other hand, cannot.
<div style=”overflow: hidden; color: #000000; background-color: #ffffff; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;”>This is a BIG deal. But if it’s been 5 years and he’s still not on track, what’s to get him on track now. What did he study in school? What type of job/career could he go for? I totally get wanting, maybe neeeding financial security, and more than just getting by. I’m not a gold digger by any means, I brought more cash into the relationship and DH and I make the same income, but we BOTH agree that financial freedom is important to us, and he would not have “settled” for less either. Sometimes love is just not enough. Your entire life and lifestyle will be affected by his career/income, or lack of, this is something to really consider before getting married.</div>
Post # 10
It is understandable that you are concerned over his future especially since what he does effect you. I am sure you love him since you a have been together for so long and you have been by his side despite him not living up to the potential you think he has. You all have to just to be honest about what you expect from him. Money is a big deal since money usually equals stability.
Money is a big deal and if you arent honest with yourself and him than you are not doing yourself any favors. Because what if he doesn’t make enough money I am sure you don’t want to spend the rest of your life disappointed in what he has no accomplished nor feeling like you have to lower down your expections.
Post # 11
cheapblingring: You don’t. You either leave him or accept him for who he is. Maybe he has no goals in life. Maybe he’s happy where he is. These are serious things to talk to him about.
I make nearly twice as much as my husband, but he raises our daughter and works part time. I don’t mind that becuase it’s what I accepted by dating him and then marrying him. Yes it doesn’t sound like much, but it works for us. I accepted him and his “faults” (some would see them as faults I don’t.) But we do have a future planned out and neither of us real career paths I’d like to be a writer, but that doesn’t pay the bills right now. He’d like to be a teacher, but right now that’s not possible, so we both work jobs to pay the bills and take care of our daughter.
You need to decide if this is the right relaitonship for you because it sounds like you’re not happy with his lack of a future.
As for the ring, if you wanted a larger one, I would have paid for it myself instead of making him buy you another one. You can’t gripe about him making ends meet and not being able to afford a big rock and then complain when he gets you a small ring.
Post # 12
i agree with the top commen.
<div>you make a huge salary, a salary he wouldnt be able to make without a qualification probably, so that type of money probably wont happen anyway (although i dont know your countries market.)</div>
<div>i think you need a more established guy who likes what you like and is able to afford those things, cos by the sounds of it you dont want to be the one paying for everything, and fair enough. but you cant marry him then resent him. this is how he is, and who he is, and you know this now, before you marry him. so if you do marry him, you need to then keep your opinions to yurself.</div>
<div>ps i would never expect my husband to buy me a huge expensive ring if he didnt make much money! thats insane! <br />
<div>it took me ages to find my career path, (im finally here though) but my husband has been in his career since he left school and is doing really well, is even opening up his own business next year. </div>
<div>he never once said pull your finger out and make good money. its not that simple if you dont even know what you want to do or where you want to go. I refused to go to college to get a degree and waste my time and money in something that i didnt care about. <br />maybe you need to give him some direction (i know it seems stupid cos hes a grown man but sometimes they need the help!) and sort out a career councellor for him or get a Resume going for him and going with him to different places with growth potential to drop it off? <br />good luck! </div>
Post # 13
My SO can’t work because of his disability, and I chose poorly and spent seven years in school for a degree that’s kind of worthless. I’m only making 30k and I manage to support both of us in a fairly metropolitan area. Maybe we don’t have the nicest apartment or the best things, but I can tell you right now, as long as we have a roof over our heads, there is no one else I’d rather be putting my head next to at night. Will it always be hard? I hope not. But I do know I’d rather be poor and with my SO than be scrooge mcduck and hopping into vaults full of money all alone.
Post # 14
If marrying somebody with a high earning potential is important to you (and from your post, it sounds like it is), then you need to marry somebody else. It sounds like you and your SO have different priorities. If you don’t want to give him up over this, then you need to be ok with the idea that your household will be dependent on your salary and he may not contribute significantly. Can you live on your $200k-$250k a year, or were you really counting on a husband doubling that number?
It sounds like either your priorities shift, or you reconsider this marriage.
Post # 15
cheapblingring: What city do you live in the 250k isn’t enough for your husband to be a stay at home dad?
As PPs have said, you have to either accept that he’s not a career driven guy and he’s going to be blue collar more than white collar by the sounds of it or you have to move on. A tiger doesn’t change it’s stripes.
I’m more career oriented than DH. I’ve been working for 2.5 years in my field and very shortly I will likely make more than DH who’s been in his for 6+ years and has the potential to make 150k+ but doesn’t want the responsibility that comes with that position. We’re both okay with this. I know who he is, I know what he does. It bugs me sometimes that he doesn’t have more long term goals but his career is his and if he doesn’t want to climb I’m okay with that.