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Hi,
I need some advice.... in the last three weeks i have noticed by fiance texting "Michael" quite often. I told him i hadn't heard of Micheal before and wondered who he was. He told me he was a friend from work. I felt strange about this exchange and decided to snoop in his phone (he changed his password prior so i had to sneak a peek and figure it out) In his text messages to Micheal i found that it this contact was actually a female co worker he works with on a PT basis. I did not want to confront him right away becasue i wanted to monitor the situation because from what i could see it was just saying hi to each other and talking about the two dogs we have (I assume shes a dog lover too) Three weeks later however and he is still texting "Michael" also known as Michelle. I have been sneaking into his texts and reading there converstaions. They do not talk everyday but it seems to be an equal amount of first exchanges.
Today i saw a text from her and than asked him why he doesn't talk about Micheal as much as his other co-workers (he told me "he" works at his FT job) and he told me he only tells me about the goof balls and the guys he doesnt care for..... how am i supposed to take this? Our wedding is in two monthes....
He has never had any female friends in our 4 year relationship and never seemed to explore interest in other females but it threatens me that he is speaking to this girl from his casual job.... i need some opinons PLEASE
I feel bad for snooping so i am unsure how to bring it up with him.
I think you should just be upfront with him. Tell him you know Michael is actually Michelle, and let him explain exactly why he has her saved in his phone like that. After he explains his side, you can then take it from there.
This is a bad position to be in. I wouldn't be able to hold it in. I would just confront him, especially about why he feels he needs to be so secretive.
But that's just me.
It is just that i dont want to seem jealous but at the same time he has her saved under a male alias. Their conversations havn't been to harmful mostly about what shifts their working, pets, and her hobbie of running. But i still feel strange about the whole thing and am feeling the pressures of holding it in when all i want to do is confront him.
definitely bring it up. it's a sucky situation for sure, but you wont be able to stop thinking about it till you talk to him. you'll drive yourself crazy.
I would definately wanna nip that in the bud early... before they do start to like each other...
wowzers!!! Defintely confront him about it. Marriage is a huge step and you need to be able to enter into it on your own terms....give him a chance to tell you what's going on and then make your decision. Once your decision is made...stick with it!
This is not in any way, shape or form ok.
Big red flag- if he had nothing to hide he would not be putting her name under an alias. Even thought the texts might seem innocent it is highly likely the intent behind them is not.
Confront him.
Maybe if the situation was different you would have time to wait and see what happens. However...
... you are getting married in 2 months.
You don't have time to wait and see. Confront him, and don't accept: "I knew you would react like this, so I saved her under a male name". If he knew you would react like this then he must have known that THIS is wrong!!!
I don't know, this is a tough one. My ex and I were really good friends before we started dating. Dated for awhile broke up and we remained really good friends. He introduced me to his new girlfriend who then became his wife and he has my name stored under my last name in his phone. We only speak or text once every few months or if we have exciting news to share, like recently he text that they were expecting another child, when they found out the sex he text to let me know. Absolutley nothing is going on between us. Don't know why he stored is that way.
What would bother me about your situation is that he never mentioned her before. I could see if he mentioned her, you didn't like it and he still wanted to be friends with her. Ask him if he is inviting Michael to the wedding? I think you need to ask him about it but I have no idea how you should approach him about it
I would confront him. If he makes you going into his phone an issue I'd ignore it. When I first started dating my husband he tried getting upset when he got caught doing something he shouldn't have been doing- I told him my relationships are open. If he didn't like it he could hit the road (and he almost was hitting the road anyway).
See what he says about the situation and make a decision from there. Regardless, he's in trouble for lying- but his excuse will help you decide if you want to go through with the marriage.
When I was breaking up with my previous relationship and had a crush on another guy whom I was texting... I stored his name under my best friends name (with the wrong spelling).
And the reason I did it was so if my then partner looked at who I was texting it would be a girls name and he would shrug it off because I didnt want him to know I was interested in another guy.
And he actually DID look over and say "Who are you Texting? Oh its just best friends name"
That guy I was texting I hooked up with not long after the break up (like a couple of days), he is now my FI.
So the moral of my story is he is doing it to throw you off his trail. Where there is smoke, there is fire.
Perhaps he DELETES the incriminating messages and just leaves the harmless ones incase you do see?
If you are snooping in the first place rather than having honest conversations with one another, your relationship is not built on trust. He may have never had female friends in the past while you were dating but he should be allowed them and he should feel that he is allowed them. If he feels he has to hide an innocent friendship, there is a problem somewhere. Also, when he does hide it, that is a problem in the way he reacts. He should be honest and open with you. Could it be possible that this is an innocent friendship but he feels he has to hide it because you wouldn't want him to have a female friend other than yourself?
Whatever the reason for his lying is, lying is a problem and you guys need to talk openly and honestly about this before you can commit your lives to one another. This must be really tough on you. Good luck bringing up the conversation - be brave and just do it.
@Mrs. Ginger: I don't agree. It could be that the OP has banned her FI from having female friends and therefore, this could be a perfectly innocent friendship that he is entitled to yet feels he has to hide because OP would react badly to it. THIS IS JUST AN EXAMPLE. I am not saying that OP is like that but some people are and in that situation OP's FI may not have anything to hide but hide it anyway.
@VickyAurea: I dont get the impression that she has banned him from her post, it doesnt seem like something we should just assume either.
She states he has never been interested in having female friends in the relationship. So that means she has never had the need to ban them.
And now he has a female friend that he is calling Michael and lying about, which is really very odd behaviour for someone who has nothing to hide.
It is not HER fault that HE is flat out LYING to her. Any girl would be uncomfortable in this situation.
@FutureMrsMoore: I'm not assuming anything. I gave an example. I even said in capitals it was just an example so I wouldn't get accused of assuming. I didn't say it was her fault he was lying. I said lying is wrong on his part. I am just asking if OP thinks that her opinion on female friendships could have anything to do with his behaviour. If so, it could just be an innocent friendship, so the lying would need sorting out but not the feelings on his part. If not, then we start to worry more about the possibility that it is not so innocent. But I don't agree with what a PP said about there being no smoke without fire...... there could be another explanation that inappropriate relations between him and Michelle, so we should try and find that out. The best way to do this is obviously for OP to talk to her FI.
@VickyAurea: My comment was based on the information provided by OP and on the assumption that she hasn't omitted any other circumstances that would be relevant to us helping her with her situation. You're saying there might be more to it, but we don't know, do we?? We can only comment based on what OP has said.
I would talk to him about it. My FI and I don't have any passwords on our phones or laptops that the other doesn't know. Private accounts - yes - but if one asked the other or was behind them or in their lap say, while they're browsing, it's no big deal. We don't hide anything! I find it works best for us that way but it's not for everyone. I only shush him away from my computer when I'm on the Bee because I don't want him to catch sight of me in my dress! ;)
That sounds really...sketchy. The fact he acts like it's a man as well. Maybe it is some insecurity about having a female friend and not knowing if it's okay with you. It could be innocent. But with two months to go, I wouldn't use a "wait and see" attitude. I would let him know it was bothering me.
Worst my FI ever got (I was next to him in a cab when it happened) was a girl with the wrong number, insisting she worked with him and really liked him and why was he rejecting her, it hurt her feelings, etc. I've met all his co-workers...it was definitely a wrong number! We giggled it off in the cab. Poor girl! I wonder how the mistaken identity man felt the next day in work when he had unexplained death glares for saying "I don't know any Roisins"!
definitely confront him about it. He's lying to you. In my opinion, trust is one of the major factors in a marriage. You're not even married yet and he's lying. Definitely say something before he digs a deeper hole
@zoe4: I would just confront him as well.... I don't think you should ask him is he inviting "Michael" to the wedding or have conversations with him regarding "Michael" when you know that its a female. If you do that, I think that it will backfire... because you will eventually confront him about Michelle, especially if he keeps lying about it.... then he is going to try to switch it around and turn it on you (which he may do anyway)....I would just confront him in a non-confrontational way and find out why he felt he needed to store her under a different name IF nothing is going on? Just my .02... But I would definitely ask him before the wedding!!!
Good luck in whatever decision you decide.... This is a tough one!!
This makes me mad for you. I would most definitely confront him, in a calm, rational manner. He is hiding it from you and blatantly lying about it. NOT OK!
I would def confront him, if hes never done anything like this before he will have a reason for it..good luck!
Even if this is nothing, there is an honesty issue on his part, and a trust issue on your part.
He should not have used a male alias for her and he should be freely and openly telling you about her and his exchanges with her. He should be open and honest because he wants to and not only because it is what you expect/demand of him.
What made you feel the need to snoop in the first place? If you feel the need to snoop on your guy, that is a red flag!
I agree with the pp's that you should confront him. I don't know that the outcome of this confrontation would be good. Ideally, he'll apologize, stop what he is doing and promise to never do it again. But, would he be sincere? Would you forgive and forget and never snoop again? I think you really have to consider the root of this problem - the lack honesty on his part and the lack of trust on yours.
This rang alarm bells with me - he keeps lying to you about the identity of this "Michael" and he has on purposely given the contact a mans name so you wouldnt suspect, and then keeps insisting they are a guy.. when they she isn't.
If I was texting a male friend - I wouldnt give them a girls name, then say they were a she when they are in reality a guy. Thats just messed up, I am sorry.
Just say to him you know who this 'Michael' is. And just ask him to kindly, please stop treating you like you are an idiot. Oh.. and I would keep a close on eye on his other phone contacts in future.. who says that "Joe" on his phone isn't actually a girl called Joanne? Just saying..
Wish you the best of luck - straightness and clarity is what you need from him. You can only go from there.
Texting a female does not bother. But the fact that it's under a male name and he lied to you when you asked him about it does bother me. I think you need to confront him, pronto.
@Mrs. Ginger: Actually, no. It can be helpful to suggest other possible things, that the OP may have overlooked or not be telling us, since we ARE only hearing one side of the story...
That being said, I do agree with the PP's that this is a serious situation, and I for one would not be going through with a marriage to a man that I either felt, or had evidence, that I could not completely trust.
This sounds a lot like my ex-husband. He was IM'ing "Raymond", but "Raymond" was actually "Roselin", I girl I had already found out he cheated on me with and he promised to cease contact with!
If there were nothing to hide, he would have just put Michelle's real name in his phone.
You definately need to talk to him about it. Though also keep in mind that just may make him be more sneaky if he is being unfaithful.
Unless you have banned him from having female friends (and if you have, I think that is also an issue), alarm bells should be going off in your head. I'd confront him about it immediately. Honestly, I can't think of an innocent explanation for this. If it were me, I would try to go to counseling before you get married.
I don't mean to freak you out, but I know someone who did this and it was because they were cheating.
I agree with PPs, the fact that he's texting a female coworker means nothing. The fact that he's making an effort to keep it from you is a huge red flag. Definitely ask him about it.
Also, if he does say "I did it because I knew you'd react like this," make sure he knows you're only reacting that way because he hid it, and if he had just been upfront about texting a female friend it would've been perfectly fine (assuming that's the case).
I am curious how she knows that Michelle is Michael. She says she found out. Does that mean that someone else is aware of this situation?
I agree with PP that hiding it is a huge red flag!
OK so I 100% agree that this sounds shady all around, but I have to ask how did you "notice" him texting Michael all the time? I mean I see my husband use his phone occasionally but I dont ever really see his texts or who he is texting....
Do you have a history of kind of being for a lack of a better word nosy? I mean if the conversations are about dogs and running and not about meeting up it sounds pretty benign, obviously lying to you is 100% wrong but so is stealing a phone password.
At this point, knowing what you know, you have to address it, but I would give him the benefit of the doubt in this case.
What is the nature of the conversation?
Work banter? Date planning? Co-worker gossip?
The problem is not necessarily in talking to females, but more so why he feels the need to hide the gender of his texts. He is already being preemptive, so there must be a reason as to why. It may be as simple as he doesn't want you to get upset with a female conversation, which can be fixed with adressing the situation and calling for honesty.
Or he flat out knows he is up do no good, and needs to create a cover up.
I completely agree with pp who say he is hiding this b/c he knows it's not okay. If his response to, or intentions towards, this woman were purely innocent or casual, why would he create a false identity?
Confront him calmly... before it goes any further.
This isn't an ex from his past with whom he's maintained a friendship. Hiding a new "friend" is just not acceptable.
My now husband has a crush on a co-worker. He was into her way before he met me, although nothing ever happened, and when I found out he was emailing her during our dating days, as innocent as those messages were, I called him on it. In no uncertain terms, if he wanted a relationship with me, it would be based on respect and trust. Obviously, his feelings for her went beyond friendship so ANY communication outside of work issues, be it about dogs or hobbies, is inappropriate. She can find someone else to make small talk with. That's not being a demading, jealous girlfriend... that is demanding that you and your relationship are respected and protected. He should not be leaving the door open for things to misinterpreted or lead to more.
Trust your instincts and stand-up for yourself.
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