Weddingbee boards

Hello Hive!

Is there anyone else out there whose FI hasn't done like... anything to help plan your wedding?! 

I had a mini emotional meltdown last night because my FI has not done anything so far.  We have a long engagement (still have 17 months to go), and he keeps asking what is the rush?  But he hasn't done any preliminary research, brainstorming, anything.  All he has said so far is that he wants to wear a bowtie with his tuxedo and that he wants me to cut the budget in HALF.  He recently got an assignment at work that leaves him with TONS of extra time on his hands (seriously--he can leave at 2:30 pm every day, and the only reason he doesn't is because he doesn't want his co-workers to hate him for it), and he doesn't spend a second of time researching anything wedding related.  I don't expect him to care about stationery and linens to the extent that I do, but there are certainly aspects that he could help out with--we're planning from a different state than we're getting married in, so we have to make a lot of phone calls in order to get information. 

Oh, and the other thing he always says (besides pointing out how much time we have) is that he doesn't really care about [invitations, floral centerpieces, food, etc.], all he cares about is being married.  Well, in the big picture, me too!  But I also want to marry him in front of all of our friends and family and I want us to have a very nice wedding and reception.

With his lazy attitude and "I don't care about the wedding" business, I am starting to feel really hurt.

Does anyone have any tips for helping to motive your man?  Any other advice?

Honestly, while your feelings are understandable, realistically you're just going to have to adapt to being the wedding planner of the couple. My husband told me (immediately after proposing) that he considered "his part" done, and that he only thought his next responsibility was to show up at the wedding. And he stayed true to his word! Although he works in a design profession, he didn't care about anything.

But here's some tips:

-- Be clear that anything he does not give input in (after you have showed him the options or your plan) he must accept. I told my husband that I was okay planning the whole wedding, but that he couldn't later whine that it wasn't what he wanted. He could pick and choose what he wanted to be involved about (it wasn't all or nothing), but if he waived his right to input he also waived his right to complain. He never did.

-- Ask him to accompany you on at least one apt with each vendor (preferably every appointment). You won't feel like you're making every decisions; he'll have an opportunity to give input that he may not realize that he has.

-- Give specific items for him to do. Like, "call this venue at this number to set up an appointment with this person at this day and time." Or, "drop this addressed package off at the post office." Find out what he prefers to do, either by asking or observing what he follows through with. For example, he may not care about the nuances of your inviations, but he may be happy to manage the payment or drop files off at the printer. 

-- Be patient. The wedding clearly isn't on his radar yet, but it will be at some point. Don't feel the need to stop planning, but don't get angry that he's not yet interested. My husband got much more interested as the date got closer. He also "discovered" parts that he was truely interested in. He spearheaded the hunt for our band (because I told him straight out that I didn't care enough to do it, but it was really important to him). He handled all the rentals. And of course, he was very involved in menu decisions and tasting ;)

-- Take a step back. Clearly, you're probably rightfully anxious to get your venue and photographer in place... but don't rush for the other details. Let him "catch up." Also, when there is something you want him to do, don't do it for him. Give directions (if needbe) or gentle reminders (if needbe), but leave it to him. I kept telling my husband that I wanted him to pick out his tux. I only said that I wanted a windsor tie, not a bow tie, and a black tux. He didn't believe that I meant it until we stood in the tux shop (that I had researched and found, BTW), doing nothing. He stared at me, I stared at him, and then he went around and picked out a really nice tuxedo set, without me saying a word. I also told him to organize his GM getting their measurements to the shop. He stalled. I asked about the progress. He stalled. I asked about the progress and reminded him of the deadline. He eventually did it, because I didn't step in.

Sorry. This got really long... hopefully it's helpful. And if I can add one more piece of advice: Get used to it. Do you think my husband cared what stockings I hung on the mantel at Christmas? Do you think he cared what color the nursery furniture was for our baby? No and no. Focus on the good: you get to pick out what you want.

I am sort of in the same boat.. we have just started our planning.. while he has no interest in colors, or flowers, he does seem to have an interest in WHERE we have our ceremony and reception. SOO.. I find this great place that I love, I love I love.. beautiful garden, within budget and he is not thrilled with it. OK so you would think he would look for a place he likes.. I have searched high and low and nothing else compares but he hasn't given in yet. He has only found ONE place that we are supposed to look at. Otherwise he has done no research for an alternative. At this point I wouldn't care if he helped with anything else I just want a venue already so I can get on with other planning!!!! grrr

I feel your pain!  My fiancee hates talking about wedding stuff.  Last night I was trying to get him to look at the STDs and he didn't want to even want to think about it.

I definitely agree that you should tell him that if he's unwilling to help, he can't complain/whine about your decisions.

One of the best pieces of advice I received right when I got engaged was to give him choices.  Meaning, narrow down your photographer/venue/videographer/etc to 3-5 that you really like and can't pick between and have him pick the one he likes.  Of course, this means that you should go with his decision and not pick a different one!

Also, I started asking him what he thought about ______, and if he had a strong reaction, then I gave him that duty.   For example, my fiancee hated the DJ at an event we went to, and talked about how the songs were bad, so I put him charge of the song list. 

I also bought him (and made him read) a book "The Engaged Groom" which he read through pretty quickly and he became much more helpful after reading it.  It's actually a pretty good book (short too!) and I've been flipping through it for advice as well!

Hope this helps!

My husband told me right away that he wouldn't be any help when it came to the planning. He said he didn't care about the details and just wanted to marry me. He is one of those guys that has no clue as to what it takes to put a wedding together and doesn't have a vision in mind unlike us women. It wasn't until I actually started telling him about the details and decisions that I'd made that he started putting in his two cents. He was good about doing something if I asked him to but I was fine with doing mainly everything myself, I loved doing it all. I would just make sure to include him in what you're doing and ask him what he thinks. I wouldn't take his lack of interest personally, it's a guy thing. We are detail oriented and let's face it, they are not. I think a majority of them feel that this is our day and they only do it because they know it makes us happy.

Basically my guy is the same way, he could care less.  So what I have done is I narrow things down and show him.  Do you like this?  Yes or No?  The only time it's irritating is when he says no to everything and I'm like WHAT do you like then and he'll say "I don't know"...so then I have to start the process all over again. 

 This sums it up...we met with a photographer regarding engagement photos and she asked him what he wanted to do picture wise and he looked at her and said "Really...it's all up to her I'm just here for the ride and to make her happy"

 I don't think you can take it personally...most men aren't designed to care about things like a wedding.  It doesn't mean he doesn't love you and doesn't care about getting married, it's just not a passion for him.  

Wow, thank you for all the constructive feedback!  

I ended up having a conversation with him this past weekend, and I may or may not have shed a tear about it.  It's not that I am cyr-worthy hurt about it... I think I was PMSy or something.  Anyway, I used the "we're a team now" tactic and also asked him to think about some of the aspects that interested him (naturally, the honeymoon and music, and suprisingly, he has taken a lot of interest in writing our ceremony).

I later sent him an email listing out about 20 tasks that he can do (everything from jotting down ideas to researching on the internet to booking certain vendors) that would be helpful.  He converted the list I sent into a "to-do" list and has already been super excited about planning our honeymoon.  Even if he doesn't do another thing, I am feeling so much better about it and much more like a team than before.  

Thanks, hive!