Post # 1
Ladies, I need help. My fiancé and I got engaged on a mutual decision. I got a placeholder ring in December because we live with my future in-laws to help us get on our feet. We have successfully completed tasks of our goals together, and now a house is next.
My fiancé doesn’t want to get married until after we buy the house to see if we can “make it.” What?! I moved out here to be with him so I have NO family here! Should we buy a house together and things go sour (heaven forbid) then I’riders to a house where I don’t want to be! He calls me his wife already but won’t marry me until he assures we can pay our bills and be adults. For me, being married is security and having our money being in the same account. I’m afraid to put money into something and not be married with that security. My fiancé refuses to rent and refuses to marry me until he knows 120% he can take care of me. I appreciate histhoughtfulness of taking care of me, but I would so much rather not have to give him an ultimatum of HAVING to be married pre-home buying. Help!!
Post # 3
@katiebeary: His reasoning doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. Why would you refer to someone as wifey if you’re not 100% on board. Also, why would you agree to be engaged if you’re still not 100% sure!!!! If this is THAT important to him then he should at least compromise by renting.
Post # 4
That doesn’t sound right. No if you don’t feel comfortable doing so then don’t. Stand your ground and there shouldn’t be an Ultimatiam. That’s not good to start a marriage off like that.
You should sit down and talk about how you will pay the bills and divy them up. Also, you should check into the Pre-marriage classes it talks about that.
Post # 5
Um, I think your fiancé should have decided whether or not he thinks you two will “make it” before he put a ring on your finger.
I say put your foot down. I think you should tell him you aren’t going to buy a home with him unless he marries you.
In your situation I wouldn’t buy a house with him. You two are already engaged, so I believe getting married takes priority over owning a house.
Post # 6
@katiebeary: I would not be ok making a purchase like that together without the legal documentation stating that you two are married. If things go sour before marraige, there is little you can do legally if the house is only in one person’s name. If you’re married everything changes. I would tell him you won’t buy a house until after the wedding.
Post # 7
I think you should both come to a common ground and rent before you get married and buy just after. He may not want that right now – but personally I think it’s the best decision.
Me and my SO have been renting for the past 3 years and believe me, it took a LONG time to get settled in. Not only is it strange living together at first (cleaning up, using the bathroom etc) but paying the bills is an added stress that, despite being aware of, had no idea just how stressful it could be.
Luckily, we were fine – but I was so much happier knowing that if the worst happened, we’d just be kicked out of our flat – not in arreas with a mortgage and a hell of a lot of debt.
It’s put us in a position now where we are both confident that we can afford to live together. Because believe me, I thought we would be fine too when we first moved in, but I got sick and my sick pay didn’t even cover rent – let alone bills. To this day I have no idea how we handled it, but we did and that’s given us the confidence to know that one day when we actually own a property, we’ll be good.
Unfortantely with marriage comes compromise, and you shouldn’t be the one doing all the compromising!
Post # 8
@MrsElopement: I’m 100% on board to marry him. That’s my issue. I’d rather marry him and have our finances squared away than “waiting to see” type of a thing. A house is a huge commitment and you only should buy something so commitment-needy if you’re married IMHO!
Post # 9
Couldnt have said it any better, treacle! I know he wants to assuresour well-being, but purchasing a hisn’t before marriage isn’t okay with me. We need to take baby steps or we will end up falling. What about a mobile home? Those are fairly inexpensive and you pay lot rent. What do you think about that route? I’m all for helping, but I don’t want to be the one doing all of the compromise.
Post # 10
Maybe could he play house? You estimate the amount of money it would be for bills and put that money into a savings account every month. That way you are reducing your variable spending and also putting aside money for a home in a seperate account?
His reasoning is a bit confusing but I understand him wanting to stand on his own feet before getting married. But buying a house isn’t the only way to stand on your own feet.
To be honest though, my husband and I bought a house together before getting married. If it worries you and you want to buy a house, you can make a cohabitation agreement that would say what would happen if something happened in the relationship.
Post # 11
I see where he’s coming from, making sure everything else is financially stable before a wedding. But for me, marriage should come first. But I can hardly talk, SO and I aren’t even engaged and I’m moving 6500 miles to be with him.
I can’t offer any advice, sorry. Have you spoken to him about how you feel?
Post # 12
@ladyartichoke: I moved a state away from family. I understand how that goes. 😛 I have discussed that I’d rather marry him before moving in so we can have all of our expenses together, but I didn’t sit down and discuss alternative routes with him. It’s still quite a few months away, and he likes to fly by the seat of his pants. We planned for my new car for down-payment and he ended up buying the entire car off. We got a great dealshut crappy interest. Anyhow — I’m the planner and more realistic. He sees an opportunity and goes for it. Sometimes he doesn’t realize that there might be more cons to his choice than pros. He’sshut born as all hell when he chooses a route to go down. He doesn’t take into consideration the benefits of the other choices.
Post # 14
@KristenGotMarried: I definitely tell him we are NOT married so don’t call me your wife!
I read that somewhere else as well and that would also be a smart idea. What about a mobile home? You also get to own it but it costs ohhhh so much less than an actual home. Ideas?
Post # 15
Please do not purchase a home with him until you are married. There is way too much financial risk involved in doing that. I also absolutely would not purchase a mobile home just because you view it as being a less risky option. I am not at all familiar with the details of the real-estate market in your area; however, any home purchase, even a short-term one, should be viewed according to its advantages and disadvantages for your long-term plans.
Post # 16
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
If he needs some sort of trial run before marriage, why not rent an apartment or a home? I can see his point about wanting to be financially stable before marriage, as many me define themselves by their ability to financially provide for their family, but you don;t have to buy a house in order to be financially stable. And let me tell you, buying a house is a huge stress ball that is not a lot of fun. It’s much less stressful to rent for a year or two as a transition.