Fiancé wants longer engagement than I expected

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
326 posts
Helper bee

I see what you’re saying. Do y’all live together? 

Post # 4
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Have you spoken about combining finances before the wedding? (if you plan to do so at all). 

Perhaps that way you can both pay off his debt together (or if he doesn’t feel comfortable with that, perhaps you take on more bills so that he can pay off more debt). That way the debt is gone sooner and you can both save for the wedding for the same length of time. It should work out the same financially but get you both on even ground a lot sooner. 

Do you plan on having children together? If so, ask him how long after being married he’d like to start trying. Then make sure he realises that if it’s after 2017 he’s going to be 42, is he ok with that?

Post # 6
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Someone else posted this article, I think it’s relevant:


But I would also remind him that you never know what tomorrow might bring and sometimes it’s better just to jump straight in with two feet rather than waiting for the “right time”. Are there people in your family that you really want to make sure can attend your wedding? Grandparents perhaps? I just sometimes think that waiting too long for something is asking for trouble. But I’m a bit superstitious like that. 

Post # 8
44 posts
  • Wedding: June 2014 - White Horse Inn

Good luck persuading him! When my FI and I got engaged we planned on a 2 year engagement. Even then I said I didn’t need a fancy wedding – honestly Id be happy with anything so long as we were married. a when I realized how long 2 years was I started thinking fall wouldn’t be so bad if it meant we could have the wedding 6 months earlier. He slowly accept a 1.5 yr engagement! then his parents said we should not pay for our wedding & have been so generous so it’s transformed into a less than one year engagement.

Maybe you can just offer to scale back wedding costs and see what he says – work within his budget. (but you can always use your extra savings for certain things that might be important to you – like the perfect dress and shoes!) you can leave those off the official budget so it could still be like you are both paying equally. But I believe its just two people loving each other that matters – the wedding is just a bonus!

I hope he comes around! One thing i pointed out to my FI was a longer engagement meant more wedding planning! haha having the planning over with sure appealed to him.

Post # 9
4878 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I hate to say it, but I kind of admire the guy.  He made bad money choices but he’s turned it around & wants to pay his fair share.  What a breath of fresh air compared to all of the posts we get about users & losers.

It sounds as if he is going to balk at the idea of you paying more toward the wedding.  Maybe you could open a separate bank account as a wedding fund & each contribute to it at will.  Maybe as it grows, he’ll feel more comfortable with the idea of moving things up.

In any case, OP, I congratulate you on your engagement to a man of character.

Post # 10
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Have you actually done any calculations? I can see where he’s coming from, but by his logic you’ll always have been saving for longer than him. So how about you work out what he can save by your preferred date in 2016, after paying off debt, double it (you should have more than this) and then see if that’s enough. 

That way your ‘extra’ savings become the foundation of general married life savings. Or a cushion for budget expansion! 


Post # 11
88 posts
Worker bee

Splodge2003:  My FI and I have combined finances. The funny thing is that I make a bit under twice as much as him but I have debt – so we decided this: that we live off his paycheck entirely (which sometimes we cannot do but helps us budget), and mine goes 50/50 to debt and our savings. So, he is essentially either paying my debt or my savings in some ways because I do not use my check to pay for mortgage or food. I was offended when he offered to straight out pay down some of my debt (maybe not offended but felt it would be shirking my responsibility) – our arrangement pretty much accomplishes that without any two stepping, and he feels like he is providing for us.

Post # 13
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

It’s probably reasonable of him to want to take his finances one step at a time – starting with not living with your parents. You’re almost 30, he’s almost 40, it’s time to fly the coop. It’s not about “male pride,” it’s about smart financial decision-making. If you’re more concerned with the marriage than the wedding (which would be admirable), maybe just do a courthouse ceremony then have a big celebration when you’re both on your feet?

Post # 14
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

rachel85:  Not sure if you read the OP’s latest post but they don’t want a big wedding. 25 people, not much of a huge party, about $6000. In this case there is little point having a courthouse wedding just to have a reception for 25 people later.

Given what you want OP I think that you may be able to achieve is for even less than $6000, but I think that it’s a good conservative estimate. 

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