- 3 years ago
- Wedding: August 2014
I am so irritated by all this. It all started back in April, after a horrendous, ill timed, bad planning from my part. Long story short, I made us late for a wedding of one of his close friends. On top of coming out 10 minutes later than we needed to, the roads were closed and eventually we ended up arriving 30 minutes after the wedding started, making us miss the ceremony. I was mad at myself, but somehow, he wasn’t (or didnt acknowledge it).
The next day we were talking about it and next thing I know, he is telling me that he isn’t sure whether he loves me enough and wasn’t sure when he proposed. I flipped out, gave him the ring back and told him to give it back when he is sure. A few days later, many talks, and many many tears from both of us, we decided to postpone the wedding but continue dating. That weekend we went to visit my family and neither of us wanted to tell them we postponed. We kept talking more and more, and we just fell back into our normal pattern of relating, which is very loving, supportive and open.
During the weekend I discovered that he has many misconceptions about marriage (ie. He must give up his dreams to become a “responsible”, 9-5 worker at a job that he might hate but pays enough to cover the bills). He also felt that everything I do automatically reflects on him, and that he will never be on time again, despite that being one of his pet peeves. In regards to not “loving me enough”, he says he just doesn’t always have those “butterflies” that you are supposed to have when you love someone. I told him that those butterflies happen when you first meet someone but eventually it becomes a more encompassing, warm love. I asked him if he felt that for me and he said yes.
Anyway, we moved forward, with the condition that we attend couples counseling, and we decided to stick to our original wedding date. Everything has been pretty fine after this meltdown until monday. Although I must admit I’ve been feeling shaky myself after that whole debacle (I never had one doubt at all about us until then).
On monday we had our therapy, and though it was kinda difficult, we made it out just fine. Its hard to take a look at fears so closely. So afterwards we went to dinner, and he said “I feel like the more time passes, the more I will love you”. This sounded kind of wrong to me so I asked him if he loved me a little or a lot at this point (My insecurities rearing their ugly heads). He said that he still has some doubts that the love he feels for me is enough.
I was so heartbroken all over again. I thought after all our talks and discussions we had moved past that. I kept asking what that means and he said he just doesn’t always feel “warm and fuzzy” when he thinks about me. I ask him if he ever does, and he said definitely, and described one particular time recently where he felt overwhelmed by how strong his love for me felt at that moment. However, he feels that he can’t just bring up those loving feelings at will, and thinks that it makes him question whether his love is real or strong enough. I told him I dont ALWAYS feel “warm and fuzzy” about him, that, say if Im ever mad at him, I dont feel those warm feelings, but underneath, I KNOW I love him.
He said he has never been mad at me (in 2 years!!!!), so I said that perhaps what he feels as “not love” is him being angry or irritated by me and he doesn’t recognize it. He said that could be it, as he doesn’t like being mad at people so he doesn’t let himself feel those feelings. I told him it was ok for him to be mad at me, and that it didnt meant he love me any less. He seemed kind of taken aback by this, and I said that basically, he needs to be ok with not always feeling lovey dovey towards me, as this is impossible.
Anyway, we talked and he felt better but said that he still felt anxious. Still, he said he wanted to marry me and wanted to have my children.
Im not sure how to handle all this. I know this sounds like cold feet, but its killing me and I feel like he is pushing me away by saying he doesn’t love me enough.
How to handle this??