Fiance wants to marry me but isn't sure he loves me enough

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

wildguess:  Keep up the therapy.  The first few appointments will be tough but after a few weeks things should start to click into place.  I wouldn’t take conversations from the first session or two too literally because you both are learning how to talk and listen to one another.  People love each other in different ways and what works for one person might not be enough for another.  Definitely bring that conversation up at your next therapy appointment (that’s the point of going to therapy for at least a few weeks or even months before making any major decisions.)  Men are not the best at expressing themselves so something he says this week may be ineloquent but after a few weeks of therapy he might be able to express his feelings in a way that you understand better and find more accepting.

Post # 3
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

P.S. I don’t find anything wrong with him loving you more over time.  That can be a good thing.  I hear it often from couples that have been married for many years; they loved each other when they got married but they discovered over time that they loved their spouse more and more as the years passed.

Post # 4
Member
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

You should look up Relationship OCD.  I had an ex that was diagnosed with this disorder, and he sounds EXACTLY like your FI.  I will say it’s so much easier to handle once you understand the disorder.  Feel free to PM me if you want support or any more details, I can definitely relate.

Post # 5
Member
495 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

wildguess:  I’m so sorry. This isn’t what an engagement is supposed to feel like. This should be one of the happiest times of your life together as a couple. I’m not saying it’s all magic once the proposal takes place but it sure isn’t this hard. When you start going down the road of postponing and questioning feelings right from the start it means something is broken. I get the feeling you are holding on with both hands while he sticks one foot out the door. You shouldn’t feel like you have to yank him back into the relationship. Let him go. He isn’t ready for an engagement let alone a marriage. You deserve better.

Post # 7
Member
1904 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - TTC #2

wildguess:  It sounds like he has misconceptions about love (butterflies fading to the warm love, but that love waxes and wanes),  and he is totally overthinking marriage too. He probably has some fears that can hopefully be tackled in counselling. But the love he described to you sounds like the love I have for my fi: sometimes I’m totally overwhelmed with love (to the point of tears), and sometimes if I’m annoyed with him I feel nothing for a day or so 😛

 

I I hope he can deal with his issues asap for your sake!!

Post # 9
Member
4901 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I’d continue the couples’ counseling, but understand that you can’t negotiate his feelings for you.  I wouldn’t want to enter a marriage on such shaky ground.

Post # 10
Member
8025 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

It sounds like he has anxiety because reality is conflicting with his (rather lofty) ideals. Hes hung up on his fantasy of what love and a marriage is: constantly lovey dovey butterflies 4 eva. Which (as you seem to realize) is not true at all. The higher the highs, the more painful the lows. It is about weathering the strorms, not about always having sunny days. He needs to grasp this before he blows it with you.

Have invites gone out yet?

ETA: Also I am very sorry this is happening, it sounds awful. How did the engagement come about? Has he always been reluctant?

 

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