Post # 1
This is an anonymous post. Fiance and I have been together for over a year and I knew from day one he was the man I was going to marry. He is the best thing I have ever had and treats me like a queen. That being said, since the beginning of our relationship, I have always known about his relationship (or lack thereof) with his family. He is 35 years old and has pretty much been on his own since he was 12. Abusive father, mother who never spoke up for them…..you get the picture. He has one sister but doesn’t really have a relationship with her. The last time he heard from her was when his father died and that was only because they needed money to bury him. I guess you can say at 35 years old, he is pretty much used to being on him alone since he has been through several graduations and deployments alone.
I on the other hand, have a VERY huge and close family so coming into this was very different. In the beginning, he always made up stories about why I haven’t met his mom and finally sat me down and told me the real deal. He however, has one cousin that is like a sister to him. I have met her a couple times and she was supposed to be his side of family at our wedding. Well, we just found out today that she is pregnant and will be 8months pregnant at the time of our wedding so she won’t be able to make it to the wedding. This leaves him with his two very good friends and their spouses and 30 of my family members!! I didn’t want to press the no family thing but I was pretty down about everyone at the wedding being my family. I just feel like we are paying all this money to have a wedding for me and my family. I think he read my mind because right at that point he gave me this speech that went something like this. Why do you worry so much about what people will think? I have been this way for ALL my life and I have accepted it. Do you think I don’t wish the situation was different? You are my family now and I have embraced your family as they will be mine too. I can invite random “friends” just to feel up the place if that will make you feel better but I want people there who only truly care about me and our future life together. I am not going to invite my sister or mom that I haven’t spoken to in years just to make you happy that I have “family there”
I totally get it but deep down inside, I just wish things were different. I can’t help but think about having children and nobody from his family being there, Christmases and Thanksgiving with only my family. I just feel really bad and if it wasn’t too late, I would have canceled this wedding and eloped with him.
Okay I am going to stop blabbing now. I guess I am asking for some thoughts on this from bees who are in this same position, or bees who actually are in the exact shoes as my fiancé. Sorry if this was too long.
Post # 3
Honestly, I don’t really see what the problem is. It seems as though he is perfectly fine with the fact that he will have no family there. yea, it sucks but he is telling you that your family is his family so the only one who seems upset is you. I don’t think you should be upset. A wedding is a time where you commit and promise yourselves in front of all of your loved ones and by the sounds of it, that is going to be your wedding. Stop focusing on the people who aren’t going to be there and be thankful you have such a great family that should sounds like they have enough love to go around!
Post # 4
I am not in your shoes or in his so I am not what I say really matters but, if he is OK with it I would let it go. As he said YOU are his family now if it really bothered him I would hope he’d honest and tell you. It sounds like he has. Sometimes it is the bringing it up that causes more issue than the original issue to start with. I will have my parents at my wedding and my Fiance will not as they have passed away. I can’t feel guilty or bad because my family dynamic is different than his. I mentioned it too him one time and he said , don’t worry about it. They have been gone for awhile now and that is just the way it is, let it go.
I once heard a statement that I love… when you don’t know what to do, Just love them through it. He know you care and that is what really matters. have a great wedding and create a great family for him! Good luck!
Post # 5
Maybe you could set up a webcam so his cousin can watch the vows? I think that would be a nice gesture for both of them.
AGree with PP’s. It sounds like has has come to terms with his situation awhile ago, but you are newer to it and are just going through the emotions now. All you can do is love him and help him and your family truly be the family he never had.
Post # 6
It’s not a unique situation. There are many “only children” whose parents have both died, so they have no immediate family.
It’s something you can’t change so just accept it. Seat people equally on both sides at the ceremony and get on with the marriage.
If you dwell on this, it will cause more stress for your Fiance.
Post # 7
You are my family now
awwwhhhh – this is what i was thinking when i started reading your post. sometimes good people have sucky families but im so glad he found you and your wonderful family to call home so embrace that and be happy for the love you are giving him. goodluck!
Post # 8
He’s been on his own for many years now. Its not ideal, but I dont think you should feel bad about it. Like he’s said, you can’t change his family situation but you’re marrying him and you two will start a new family, your family is now his. Focus on his expanding newfound family instead of dwelling on his past and lack of.
Post # 9
I’m having very few family members there. Right now our ceremony is Fiance: 25 Me:5 (and there’s a good chance two of those people might not be able to come.)
i wrote a post about it
Post # 10
It’s really wonderful that your husband to be feels like your family is his. I would let him celebrate that! My parents loved my husband like their own, even though he had his dad and siblings still, but he didn’t live close to them. I was always so happy and proud that my parents loved him and treated him as their own. Home/Love/Family that means the most to him is the family that we created together. 🙂
Post # 11
if he doesn’t feel bad about it, then you shouldn’t either.
my guys has invited his mom…. and she might or might not come to the wedding. other than that, he has nobody that’s just his. it’s OUR friends and my family. that’s fine. embrace it.
Post # 12
There’s nothing to explain to anyone. When you tell someone that he’s just not close to his family, they will understand. I think we’ve all known and seen examples of people who were cheated out of an ideal family and support system and we know that those people can turn out to be great people, eager to start a family of their own. My fiance’ is in a similar situation. While he has a very large family, none of them will be coming to the wedding, only his mother. His father is also, deceased and he never knew his father or his father’s side. His brother is in prison for the next 20 years, his sister may or may not show. But my fiance’ has no problem with this, he’s excited to be getting married, he LOVES my family and they LOVE him. He’s honored to be part of a family and to start his own. He even gets a little weepy when we talk about my stepdad and my stepgrandad both of whom he’s grown very, very close too. Just bringing with your fiance’ into your family is all you need to do and it sounds like you are on your way.
Post # 13
OP, I think I can understand what you’re feeling. My Fiance and I live in California, where most of my family lives, and all his family is back in New Jersey. On top of that, he has a very small family, whereas I have a huge one. He has a good relationship with his family, it’s just that there are so few of them as it is, and some of his extended family members may not be able to travel to the wedding. So at the wedding it’s probably going to be over 100 guests from my family, maybe 10 or less from his, and then of course a bunch of our friends.
But that’s just the way it works out sometimes, and I think that your Fiance, like mine, really doesn’t care. He gets to marry you and he considers your family to be his own (which is the same way my Fiance feels about my family). So while I know there’s just something about the whole situation that feels weird, I don’t think you should stress over it. Don’t make yourself feel like, “OMG, my family is taking over the wedding and they’re going to form a gigantic family monster and stomp around like Godzilla!” (that’s how I feel about my family sometimes). Know that your wedding is going to be a great time because the people there love and support both of you. 🙂
Post # 14
@GreenGables: “OMG my family is going to take over the wedding….”LOL yup! They sure are like that.
Thanks for all the great responses ladies. I see that I am really just thinking too much about it!!! Thats why I love the bee 🙂