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My fiance an I have been together for 7 months and I love him to pieces......except for the fact that he wont have sex with me. The issue is he's overweight, insecure, and afraid he won't be able to satisfy me. He's only been with one other woman who dumped him for not meeting her needs sexually and I honestly think he's traumatized by the whole thing.
Initially I was supportive and assured him that this isn't a one shot deal. That I love him and things will happen naturally....afterall, practice makes perfect!!!
Now it's 7 months later and I'm frustrated, annoyed, and pissed off!!!! The tension is so bad that we barely even kiss anymore or touch anymore. He's the sweetest guy in the entire world and I hate myself for being angry with him over this, but I can't take it anymore!!! I wish I could just tell him to man up and just fuck me already!!! UGH!!!
Advice? Kind words? Anything? PLEASE!!!!
Thanks!
you guys hvae been together 7 months or engaged 7 months? If you have been together 7 months than maybe he just is not comfortable enough with you yet. If I was you, I would just take control. Seduce him, do all the work :D Do that the first couple of times and than I guarantee that he will start getting more comfortable :D
Good luck!
oh hun, I understand that you must be frustrated and upset! Can you sit down with him and talk about it? Tell him you really want that physical connection with him. Maybe tell him, its making you think that he doesmt want you, etc and it hurts? And make sure he knows, you love him the way he is...
Personally, I think you should address this asap b/c your obviously upset and if its not talked about before marriage, nothing may change. And if its imp to you *it should be), you dont wanna be thinking about getting intimate with someone else to satisfy your needs. Also, if you want kids....then you kind of need a lot of practice.lol.
Take care hun!
We've been together for 7 months. We've been engaged for just about 3 weeks.
Maybe you SHOULD just tell him to man up and fuck you already! Do you initiate, give him massages, BJs or anything like that? Have you tried telling him that his lack of interest is making you feel bad/undesireable? This is anything but healthy...He sounds like he's afraid of women in general. Maybe you could take some time in a relaxed atmosphere free from distraction, like the bedroom, and teach him what feels good to you and how to do it. That could help to build his confidence...
have you had sex at all together? does he know its not just his penis that can get you to O? give him some cosmo's so he will learn there is A LOT of things he can do and be sure to make it fun - to laugh at/with eachother during sex is very important. none of us are porn queen/kings when we are learning our way around our partners body so be sure to relax and laugh
If he is this way because he feels unsexy and traumatized, maybe it would help if you try to make him feel sexy.
Maybe it would help if he knew that sex is just a learning process in general...what makes one woman happy won't necessarily make another woman happy (works the same way with men). Part of the sex process is learning how to make eachother happy and ideally it gets better and better each time.
Perhaps if you said to him that you want to learn how to make him happy at the same time that he's learning how to make you happy, that would help. NO ONE is good at sex the first time, it's something that takes practice. Practice makes perfect ;) Also, please don't try and overcompensate by faking anything when he finally is ready, because that will just make him feel bad if he sees through it. It's tempting to do that but honesty is always best.
My FI is also overweight (...quite a bit overweight...) but to me he is the sexiest man in the world. He doesn't always believe me when I tell him that, but he had some of the same insecurities. I think it helps that I was his first (and so far only) so he didn't get dumped over his "performance." That's just so hurtful, I'd be so annoyed at that woman!
Have you tried asking him if there's anything you can do to help him feel secure about it? If he's not ready, he's not ready and you have to be patient with him, but it sounds like he's not ready because someone hurt him and that will only get worse the longer he has to reinforce that idea in his mind.
No. We haven't had sex at all. The one (and only) time that we were almost there, miracle of miracles happened and the condoms I had were to small for him! LOL So he "finished me off" with his hands and i tried to return the favor but he pushed me away :-( That was at least 3-4 months ago! Back then I was trying to get him in the mood with massages, showering together, touching, etc but in the end it never got anywhere so I gave up!
I can understand being insecure... maybe he just needs to know that you are attracted to him. Maybe you can try intiating and (at the risk of sounding non consensual..) don't let his protests stop you, so that he knows you want him.
Hmm...Blind fold him, and tie him up so he looses all control..and then take charge ;)
While I don't think sex is necessary before marriage, it will matter after marriage. Make sure you take time to figure everything out before you go rushing along! Time is a great healer :)
i tried to return the favor but he pushed me away :-(
as he got you off then hes doing ok so far - does he say anything negative about oral or self pleasing?? i would also suggest a medical to make sure everything is ok.
Sex is a very important part of a relationship. Since you're not waiting for religiousreasons, I would be concerned. I couldn't commit my life & happiness to someone so afraid of intimacy. It's so unfair for you to be stuck with these issues and he HAS to be willing to work on it. He needs a therapist & a gym membership. I'm being serious. Even just a little physical activity will help his confidence. Honestly I'd suggest not going forward until you've made some progress. That's just sex fiend me speaking :)
Make sure he knows that YOU find him incredibly sexy. He will come around, just reassure him that you love him, you are marrying him for crying out loud!, and you just want to be intimate with him to take your relationship be the next level. There is a closeness that occurs between two people who are in love who take that step in their relationship. If you don't have the perfect sexual chemistry right away, it will get better over time as you learn what each other likes.
Best of luck!!
there is something wrong with a man that doesn't want to have sex with his fiance. if sex and intimacy is important to you, do not marry this man.
@roxymalone: I think that may be a little unfair. If the roles were reversed and a guy was saying his fiancee wouldn't have sex with him, people would be calling him sexist and telling him that he needs to wait for her to be ready, especially if it was because the last time she had been intimate she had been told she wasn't good enough. It's crushing to be told you can't satisfy someone sexually, especially if it's the first and only person you've ever been intimate with.
@HappierKate: Agreed.
There's clearly a problem here, but it needs to be dealt with head on, not brushed off to dump the guy.
@HappierKate: if it was a recent problem, one thing. it's not. he's never wanted to have sex with her. what i say is not unfair; its true and comes from experience. there is something wrong and it doens't have to do with her. being supportive is nice. burying head in the sand is not.
@roxymalone: But you weren't telling her to be supportive or to work on it or get therapy or anything. You were telling her to leave him.
@Roe: exactly! she's 7 months in. not a lifetime and she has no kids no kids with him. don't settle. that's all i'm saying. if she wants a stud, marry a stud, if not, marry this guy. stop settling ladies. counseling doesn't cure everything!
@roxymalone: But I really don't think you know their relationship well enough to tell someone else when they need to break up. You need to leave that to OP. Marriage is a serious thing.
@adnama: again exactly. marriage is a serious thing. i never said it wasn't. i said don't settle.
I would be concerned as well. I have dated many guys before and sex is a major part of a relationship (for me)...it is something that makes me feel good about myself and attractive and something that I can share with my bf moreso than just any other friend.
7 months is too short of a period to fully get to know someone. In your case, this can be a good thing becuase there is still hope that he can change. I would not marry him until things change. BUT, this is me. Sex in my opinion is a very important part of a healthy relationship- NOT everybody feels this way.
80% of people try to change someone else 90% of the time.
Are you okay spending the rest of your life with someone who is not "that into" sex? If not, I suggest you try to engage him more in the bedroom and see what happens, but don't marry him until you know for sure this problem is resolved IF it is something that is important to you (which I presume it is, considering you wrote this post).
@roxymalone: seriously? So what you are saying is anyone with body image issues / emotional issues tied in with intamacy are not worth the time? If someone is not thin or the has an ideal body with they are not " good enough"? And anyone,male/female , that chooses to marry one of these poor creatures is "settling"? Wow... That's jugemental.
@op: poor guy, and poor you! This actually might be a problem that swig a couples counclier might help. Also, talk to him about how you are feeling, and see if he would be willing to take t slow. One might just cuddlingpartialyclothes, a few nights all naked. So on and so forth... Good luck!
Also, sometimes I think you just have to step out of the moment. Is what you are willing to accept now, something you would be willing to accept 30 years from now? If not, why set yourself up for that situation?
I have to respond again, as you havent replied to my inital post BUT I have to agree that if a couple doesnt have sex or intimacy before marriage, how do you know your compatible sexually? Ppl dont believe in this (some) but IT IS TRUE. My ex and I were together for 9 yrs. Things were great intimacy wise for the first 5.....then I was not attracted to him (we had planned to get married too). I sexually wasnt satisfied and I thought about someone else (didnt act on it). He wasnt getting any from me. He was wanting to be satisfied. I ended up leaving him and both of us messed around with other ppl. If you arent having sex or havent and know your compatible then it probably wont work long term. We are all humans and sex is a natural thing. If he is waiting for marriage and its a personal thing, fine. He needs to tell you but if you arent having sex 7 months in, then it may just get MORE akward. Its very early to be engaged after 7 months away IMO. How old are you guys?
@imalittlebirdie: @roxymalone: seriously? So what you are saying is anyone with body image issues / emotional issues tied in with intamacy are not worth the time? If someone is not thin or the has an ideal body with they are not " good enough"? And anyone,male/female , that chooses to marry one of these poor creatures is "settling"? Wow... That's jugemental.
I've read all of her posts and she didn't say any of this at all (projecting maybe?). what's she saying is that if sex is important to a person, they shouldn't settle for an unfulfilling sex life. she didn't relate it to his weight/body type. i think she is spot on.
no one is perfect, but sometimes the thing they're missing is too important to overlook. if the ability to have a fun and active sex life is important, i think the best advice is to NOT marry this person until you are sure that can be fulfilled.
one of my very best friends has almost 0 sex drive. she would be perfectly fine in this sort of relationship. OP needs to be honest with herself and decide if she can live like this.
Thanks everyone for your thoughts! As most of you have suggested, he have talked about this together....after about 2 months of being together and not being physical is when we first discussed things and I was very supportive. I continued to be up until about 2 months ago. Now it comes up every few weeks and as much as I try not to, i've become very cold towards him. I'm over his excuses. My body is far from perfect and I'm while I've had my fair share of boyfriends and lovers, I'm no sex goddess either!!!! It's always, his roommate might come home (I live alone), or I'd be more comfortable the first time in my own bed, or I wanted to while we were away but you had your period.....blah blah blah.....now he's blaming me for not touching him anymore! There was a time when i was up squirming all night because i wanted him so badly. I don't care that out tummies will be slapping together!!!! Lol. I just want to make love to the man i I love!!!!
Also, I made it clear that I did not want to get engaged until after we resolved this issue, yet here we are and I feel trapped!! Granted I didn't HAVE to say yes, but I do want to marry him!
@justmoi...yes it is getting more and more awkward, when it should be something so wonderful. And I am starting to have a wandering eye.....haven't acted on it but I feel guilty just thinking about it. I'm 33 he is 30.
@KallahinBaltimore: god, i'm so sorry you're going through this. i think you are 100% aware of what you probably should do, but it's hard. it bothers me to hear him manipulating you and basically lying. this just doesn't seem like something that is going to resolve itself. you can always stick around and be supportive, but i don't think situations ever make a complete 180.
and at 33, if you want kids this is even more serious! (i'm also 33 and that f'ing clock is ticking louder and louder "did you want 3 kids???? TOO LATE.)
@KallahinBaltimore: That does sound bad, I didn't realize he was making excuses that involved blaming you. I'd do what PPs have suggested and try counseling but if that doesn't work, well, I don't know that I could go my whole life without sex. If this is something that's going to be an issue for a long time, you've got some hard choices to make :(
Time for counseling. It's hard to do, but I don't think it's healthy to continue on with him like this. He needs to gain some self-esteem and it's got to be a team effort.
@KallahinBaltimore: i am sorry you are going through this. you are newly engaged and should be feeling overjoyed, not doubtful. you both need to resolve this issue sooner than later. you have tried numerous times but turned down. rejection is a hard thing to accept. you are going to begin to resent him if you haven't already started to.
i agree with pp, sex and intimacy is very important in a relationship. how important? well, that all depends on the individuals. that being said, it is critical that a couple share the importance of sex in their relationship or this will cause problems.
i know, i have been there. i was with a guy who used every excuse not to have sex (and i tried everything). for years, i even tried to get him to go to a therapist alone or together, whatever he wanted. i told him that we need to work on it or we won't last but he ignored it. occasionally he would give in, like once every 6 months but i think it was just to shut me up. that was worse...i knew he didn't really want to do it with me. after 8 years, yes 8 long years, of disappointment and rejection, i broke up with him. i resented him for wasting my time and fell out of love with him due to this. i deserved so much more and wanted so much more in a partner. he just didn't understand why. this is how i explained it to him and he finally agreed and accepted the break up.
"all marriages/relationships have their compromises including amount of sex expected. if my libido was ranked a 9-10 and his a 1-2, how could we ever compromise? he might come up to a 3-4, i might go to 7-8 but that is still too far apart. neither of us will ever be happy and we need to find someone in our comfort level."
please, don't wait 8 years like i did. i really hope that the two of you resolve this soon.
Just attack him? Just . . . get after it. Or maybe if it is just the insecurities, you could help him get in better shape or reassure him that if he can finish you off with his hands, clearly he knows what's up?
@imalittlebirdie: please don't put words into my mouth, i get into enough trouble around here without embelishments :). what i said was very clear. if sex and intimacy is something she desires and finds valuable in a relationship, this is not the man for her. at least not right now. maybe counseling will fix it, maybe it won't. or maybe it will just delay the inevitable.
Has he tried counseling? It sounds like he has some serious issues to work through and counseling may help him work on those and stop blaming you. Regardless, I wouldn't marry him without significant change.
What about counseling - either solo for him or couples? (or hell, both!) This could just be a very internalized issue for him. One of my closest friends is a guy, and he had an ex who was just awful to him. She would mock his sex skills and his penis size. It really screwed with him for a long time, and I know still causes issue (I'm friends w his current and AWESOME girlfriend - she's one of my bridesmaids! - and she even brought it up to ask me b/c he still has such issues). I do also agree to just get it over with - maybe take a weekend away adn pounce on him?
Either get him some books or check some out of the library to help him out - I highly suggest Down and Dirty Sex Secrets by Tristan Taormino, Sex is Fun! by Kidder Kapper (has some fun little portions you two could fill out together that are great to get convo going), The Guide to Getting it On by Paul Joannides (I've used this as a text book - it's one of the books I most often recommend to people), and The Good Vibrations Gude to Sex. Marty Klein's Let Me Count The Ways has to do with non-intercourse sexing, so that may be a helpful book too - and also a way to take teh focus off of PIV intercourse and into the realm of sex including many different things.
One thing I do want to point out is that condoms are actually pretty stretchy (I'm a sex educator - I play w/ these things!). I have a friend who filled one with water and put in a bottle of water or soda (just the standard size - like 16oz maybe?). I often stretch one over my fist and can pull it down pretty far. I don't use latex condoms (allergy - boo!) and find that polyisoprene is less stretchy than latex or polyurethane, so I can't get those to my elbow. And, in studies the size difference between Magnum condoms and "regular" is very little - now, thre may be a feeling difference and that's just personal preference. If condoms are your preferred birth control, why not get a sampler pack at your local, friendly adult store or online? That's even more fun - "look, honey! we get to play!"
Here's what I suggest - have a talk with him about what he finds sexy, what turns him on, what feels good etc. Be really honest with him about what you like and encourage him to do the same, keep it fun and flirty - not too serious. Make sure he understands that you love and want him and that he has nothing to be afraid of.
Once you've found out what he likes then start trying things. Not necessarily sex straight off, play around with other things and see how it goes, don't pressure him too much. Also - maybe start with the lights out if he doesn't like his body, if he knows you can't see the bits he doesn't like that might help the first few times.
It's going to be tough, but if you really love this guy it will totally be worth it. Wishing you luck.
HUGS!
I think you got a lot of good advice here, most of all don't continue on as if nothing is wrong. You mentioned you wanted to resolve this before getting engaged. I think that is the best advice and since you already said yes, you need to tell him you cannot commit to a wedding and a lifetime together until this isue is resolved. Dom't make it his problem and dom't let him mack it your problem but work together so come to a happy solution.
IMO, 7 months is not a lot of time to be together before getting engaged, esp. if you have not had sex. That being said, I know everyone has their own timetables and comfort levels. However, what strikes me as the most concerning is that his last relationship ended due to sex and he is now wanting to marry you without ever having sex. As if, marriage is his safety net that you won't leave him. That is not okay. Talk this through, if your relationship is strong enough to get through this you will be able to and if not, better to find out now than after you are married.
Have you discussed children? Maybe neither of you want children so it is a non issue but if it has never been discussed or if you ever consider wanting children, that could be a nice neutral way to approach the subject.
Just wanted to send more Thank You's! You all are so great! This is a fantastic support system!
As of right now, I love him and I'm not willing to give up on him......yet.......
We do want children and I like using that as a way to bring up the topic yet again. I haven't exactly been pleasant the last few times we've talked about it, so I will work on that!
I have decided that I am no longer willing to continue with wedding planning until we tackle this head on. No more excuses!
I don't know how I feel about counseling....it worries me that we may have to head down that road BEFORE we're even married!!!! Not ruling it out, just hoping we can figure it out on our own......
It sounds like anxiety to me.
I don't think it's YOU BOTH have to go to counseling so much as he really needs to see a therapist and talk about his anxieties. It's almost developed into a phobia. It's clearly overwhelming him. Telling him to "man up" isn't going to work, either, I don't think anyone here would like it if their husband told their wife "come on, be a woman!" when he wanted sex.
I do agree with @slicey19: though...it kind of does sound like he's using marriage as a safety net, to ensure you'll be there for him even if he can't perform in bed. You're doing the right thing by halting plans until you figure it out.
I just feel as though if it's really a huge problem for him (and it appears as though it is) it's not something he, or you both could figure out on your own.
I think counseling would be a great way to express yourself and talk it out in a neutral environment. I would suggest working it out now before marriage to help ease the transition into marriage.
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