Fiancee getting cold feet and worried!!

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

myweddingbee:  Well, it sounds like his reaction is based upon his stress level at work, and unfortunately, his way of coping is to ‘shut down’ like you posted, and/or project insecurities at work back into the home, etc.  I get it, my DH reacts that way too when he is stressed, which is usually from work!!  

I have learned that all I can do is let him know I am here when he wants to talk, and then let him work thru his stress, without pusing or pressing for more information.  Ultimately, he comes to me when he is ready.  Pushing him or adding stress upon him only makes the situation worse.

Is this terrible timing?!  Yes.  You want his help with your upcoming marriage preparation, but finding a way to carry on day-to-day with the planning, and utilizing help from other sources may be your best idea.  I think this will protect you, and your emotions in these next few weeks, because if he feels more stress from the wedding, my fear for you is he will ‘lash out’ against the wedding.  

My FI (about a month before our wedding) felt the stress of wedding expenses.  He was, in short, freaking out about the money spent, and therefore a bit more standoffish.  I had to carry on,  because I realized he needed to work thru it, and get over it in his own time.  We had agreed upon the budget MONTHS ago, so I had to chalk up his freak out to a touch of cold feet.   Pushing him to see it MY WAY would not work.  The week of, things turned around, and he was amazing and ready, and excited, and accepting of what we had planned.  He now says he would spend the same amount of money to throw the exact same party again, and again 🙂  It was the best day EVER.  

My hope is that he will be the same for you shortly…and in the meantime, give him his space.  You cannot change his reaction, but you can change how you react to it.  When the dust has settled, invite the conversation of how his reaction affected you, and how hard it was for you!!  Good luck.

Post # 4
1321 posts
Bumble bee

For men, their careers are very important to their self-identity and how they define themselves as a man.  It’s crappy that your FI is having job issues right before the wedding.  His reaction of shutting down and going into his “man cave” is actually quite normal — some men will either withdraw or some will explode.  Nothing from your post indicates that your FI is getting cold feet and doesn’t want to go through with the marriage.

It sucks that you are left carrying most of the weight of the wedding planning.  But the best advice I can give you is to have a talk with your FI.  Tell him that he doesn’t have to talk if he doesn’t want to and can be as depressed/mopey as he wants to be, but set a deadline as to how long he can be mopey before then has to then suck it up, be an adult, and take care of his responsibilities regardless of how sh*tty he feels.  I agree that he can’t retreat into his man cave and leave you to do EVERYTHING by yourself forever.  But take a breath, tell yourself positive things like “We will pull through and everything will work out” and do things to make yourself feel better while your FI is in his funk.

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