Post # 1
Hello, I could use some advice on how to approach m fiancee. He has no interest in anything at all related to the wedding anymore. I’m not talking colours or decorations or small things like that, I expected him not to care about those little things.
He doesn’t want to pick any songs for the DJ to play, he’s dragging his feet about picking his own song to enter to for the ceremony, he doesn’t want to bother to do a first dance, and he doesn’t even want to go to meet with the wedding officiant (which this at least he kind of HAS to be there for). Our wedding isn’t huge and I have no crazy details planned, but I’ve been doing everything on my own without him. He was more involved befpre, he even picked our colours. Our date is September 6th so it’s coming up and we really need to get the music and the officiant sorted. I know he’ll be upset if he doesn’t have any music he likes or the ceremony isn’t what he wanted but he’s making me feel like it’s all only being asked of him because it’s all things I want done that he normally wouldn’t have to do.
I’ve tried to tell him that it’s not just me, these things need to be done and it’s his wedding too but he either delays or complains a lot about doing it and makes me feel bad about asking him for answers. I don’t want to start a fight but what can I do to get some input on the BIG important things? (I’ve seen people complain that their fiancee doesn’t help address thank you notes or make decorations or care about colours but nothing like that, I just want him to give input on meeting the officiants and maybe some song choices!?)
Post # 2
In regards to the officiant, maybe give him three different times to meet that he can choose from and let him know that he needs to pick a time by such-and-such a day or you will pick one. Either way he is expected to be there. In regards to the music, same sort of thing. Tell him, “I am turning in a final song list by X date, you need to have your choices to me by then. If you don’t, I will pick but you cannot complain about the choices after they have been made.” I know my DH likes deadlines and concrete details, so maybe this method might work?
Post # 3
I think it’s likely that there is something underlying all of this. Perhaps just ask if something is bothering him and try to start the conversation by saying that you feel that he is unengaged with respect to the wedding. See what he says.
Post # 4
Once I gave my FI concrete dates and times to do things he was more helpful.
Post # 5
- Wedding: Lombardi's On the bay
This may sound weird, but maybe you guys need a time out from the wedding talk. I know my fiance can get a bit overwhelmed with all the planning options (plus dealing with me getting stressed isnt a picnic either. lol) and needs a bit of a break for us just to have a day where its just us; no planning, no wedding talk; just us. After that, he’s right back to helping and im alot less stressed.
Post # 6
I agree that there is an underlying issue here. You NEED to be able to communicate. Marriage is a parternership and if he’s not able to step up, then maybe things need to be reevaluated as it’s not going to get better after marriage.
I agree with happilyeverafter29: as mine was overwhelmed in the beginning as well. We agree that we would discuss wedding stuff twice a week where he would give me his undivided attention and make decisions if needed.
For the DJ, mine first said he didn’t care at all. The DJ gave me a list of like 500 popular songs to weddings (slow and fast) and I made a copy and had him mark which ones he liked and then mark any MUST PLAYS. Funny how Mr. Didn’t care ended up checking off a bunch of songs.
Make it easy for him. Give him stuff to choose from, rather then a blanket statement. Dont’ talk about wedding stuff all the time with him.
TALK to him about what’s really going on and listen to what he says. What is the real reason he seems disinterested and ask what you can do to help.
Post # 7
Just wanted to update and say that we did sit and have a talk and it turns out he was mostly upset about other things that had nothing to do with the wedding, and once we got that all out of the way he had a good talk together with the officiants and the DJ and he seems more interested and engaged in those parts of the wedding now. Thank you all for the advice! We talked, and I told him I just need certain things by certain dates and he appreciated it a lot. 🙂 Back on track! Now if only I could get his mother to calm down…