(Closed) fiancee thinking of leaving for three years!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@moleskinlover:  Breathe.  Take it one day at a time.  Even though he has to consider the offer now, it’s not going to come into play for at least 7 months, and anything can change between now and then.  LDRs are hard, and 3.5 yrs is difficult, but it’s doable.  FI and I have been LDR for 2 yrs so far and still have 1.25 yrs to go, so I feel your pain.  First see how you handle the deployment; then you can figure out a strategy for handling the next part.  ((hugs))

Post # 4
Member
1330 posts
Bumble bee

My cousins are both in the marines and are right now in Virginia. They go between there, Hawaii and one is getting deployed overseas as well for an indefinite amount of time. One was just recently married and I know they make accomodations for married couples if they can…is there any way to look into this or find out the possibilities? I do not know too much about this so I honestly just want to say I am sorry to hear this and if it means that much to him, don’t give up hope-look for answers and I hope you both can find an answer.

Post # 5
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Why couldn’t you go with him to the country?  What country is it?  Why won’t they allow a spouse to come with?

Post # 6
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

This is a hard situation to be in, add in long distance relationships which are hard enough without adding the military factor.

I think it time to take stock of the relationship and decided if you think your Fi is truly interested making it work. The job offer for three years where he can’t bring a spouse is very questionable to me. I know several people who work abroad, and even some military one of my cousins is in bahrain while they were some hoops to jump through his wife and two children are all over there. Typically most foriegn companies and employers especially if it is a private company and not the state do all they can to make their employees transition as seamless and as easy as possible if they are going to be staying multiple years. So I find it highly suspect that they wouldn’t allow him to bring a spouse especially if you guys were married. There are  lots of places that won’t allow a girlfriend or Fi but I again I find it highly unlikly that a wife would be excluded.

I say find all of the hard core facts about this because it just may be an excuse. It is very possible that he is just feeling overwhelmed with everything happening and may now just be changing his mind. I think its important that you been an active partcipent in this process, and make your own choices and make your voice heaerd during this process of figuring everything out. I wish you good luck.

Post # 7
Member
3265 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t think it’s fair for him to ask you to put your life on hold for 3 + years.

7 months sure, but 3 years is a VERY long time. Especially when one partner is off living in another country, and probably evolving as a person.

Could you go to this new country with him. Even if you had to rent out your own place there?

Post # 8
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@moleskinlover:  I would not be able to handle that! We’re getting married early because he got word of deployment next year. I realize that this job offer would be great for him but if he wants to marry you, leaving for the job would be a horrible decision on his part. If he truly cares for you he wouldn’t even question it. My FI had a chance to be a train conductor making $80,000+ a year but turned it down because he had met me. I hope you guys figure it out.

Post # 9
Member
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I was under the impression that the ONLY way you can relocate to another country with someone in the military was to be married?

Post # 10
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@moleskinlover:  Well, first of alll I’m sorry you’re going through this. It must feel awful! With that said…I’m just going to give it to you straight…

Problem 1: 7 months will be tough but it’s doable, especially since you’ll be able to have your wedding after that right?

Problem 2: Unless you’re married and have a really strong foundation…you cannot put your life on hold for 3 years. This is a potential job OFFER. Which means he can choose to take it, or not. This will not be the only potential job he can take. There are other opportunities out there. I hate to say it, but if you mean the world to him (and we’re assuming you won’t get married before he leaves for 3 years), he will look for those opportunities. 

This is when FI has to put his big boy pants on and make a life-changing decision.

Will you guys get married before he takes off for 3 years? Or is he basically telling you it’s between A)marrying you and finding a different job and B)NOT marrying you and leaving for 3 years? If it’s B then like another poster says, it sounds sort of shady or like an excuse. He is considering NOT following through on his proposal. Why is this even an option???

If he’s going to not marry you and leave for three years….personally I would break it off. My friend had a long distance engagement and he was a soldier too. When he came back things were not the same. They broke it off a few months after he had returned. I’m not saying there’s no hope for you two…but if he leaves you two should break it off. Maybe when he gets back sparks will fly…maybe not…but you can’t live off that hope. Maybe you’ll meet someone else while he’s gone. At least you’ll have the opportunity to, at least he’ll know what kind of risk he’s taking. He can’t have his cake and eat it too…

Post # 11
Member
1471 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Why not see how the 7 months apart goes, he may change his mind but if he doesn’t you have to let him go or heau end up resenting you which would really suck.  Good luck this is not easy 🙁

Post # 13
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 1969

You’ll be graduating soon, which means you’ll need to find a job too, right? So why not try out the 7 months, after it works out, try to find a job in the same country his job offer is going to be? I don’t see why he has to go alone. If his job won’t pay him to bring his family, you can still follow him there.

Post # 16
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@moleskinlover:  Well, you’re good enough of a reason to stay. If he doesn’t see that, and if you feel he is resenting you already and acting distant, then he’s not convinced it’s a good enough reason. That doesn’t sound too good. He proposed to marry you. It looks like he has just now realized what a huge commitment that is…it will take making some sacrifices….and he’s not sure he wants to sacrifice this future opportunity. That’s pretty lame.  Leaving for 3 years is like turning his back on that commitment.

He needs to find an opportunity that will suit YOU AS A COUPLE. The problem might be that he is still mentally riding solo. But, it’s not about just him anymore, he has to make you part of all equations. After all, one of his life goals is to spend the rest of his life with you…right?

I totally get being passionate about your career. FI and I have made many decisions together and have compromised so that we can both reach our goals. All couples do.

After the 7 months he needs to:

-have different job lined up that will allow you to be in the picture. There’s got to be another way for him to reach his goals. He has to be driven enough to make a way, not just take the easy way.

-marry you and find a way for you to come along with him…even if you can’t stay on the base or whatever…just find a way for you to be in the same country.

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