Post # 1
I’ve been having some trouble with my FI’s family and I could really use some advice. I always joke with my fiance that he “knows a guy” for everything we need to get done in our lives – from painting our apartment to hanging pictures on the walls. As it turns out, his family is the same way. They have been booking wedding vendors for me without asking first. So far, they have booked a videographer and a hairdresser. My Mother-In-Law has also been in talks with a woman she knows who decorates cakes. My Mother-In-Law has no daughters and my fiance’s aunt has no children, so I do want to include them in the planning, but not to the point where they is making decisions for me.
They are contributing to the wedding, so I don’t want to be rude… But I’m beginning to fear that this wedding will be more theirs than it is mine.
Post # 3
Have you said anything yet? Can you casually say to them , before booking anything just make sure you email me a link to their website so I can have a look at their stuff, I need to consider our options and see if it’s right for us.
Post # 4
Have your fiance have a talk with them about clearing it with you before booking vendors. Have him tell them that you like to interview them first and compare with others.
Post # 5
Oh man that would piss me off to no end. Its really great that they are contributing but should be letting you choose the vendors let alone give you a little say in it! I agree with both PP’s that something should be said but I think your Fiance should do it since they are his parents.
Post # 6
As long as they are only booking the vendors and leaving the real decisions up to the 2 of you, I don’t see much of a problem. They are probably only thinking they will pick the vendors they are going to contribute for so they know they are staying in their budget for what they can contribute.
If they start picking out your flowers and cake and dress, thats going too far. I’m sure they feel like they are being helpful booking vendors that are great prices and genuinely really good quality too. If you really don’t like that their doing this you have to speak to them about it.
Post # 7
@drummerbride: While I see your point, I don’t agree that it’s okay that they’re booking vendors. I would be livid if anyone booked a vendor without my approval–I’m very picky about my hair, photography, etc., and the OP simply doesn’t know the kind of work/style these people do.
Post # 8
@Neay: Nip this in the bud now. The vendors she has booked YOU and Fiance need to call ASAP to talk to them and judge them for yourselves. Don’t be afraid to back out.
Be prepared for emotional blackmail and false anger.
This is totally unacceptable.
Post # 9
@Neay: Ummm…yeah. That needs to be shut down…by your Fiance.
Out of the vendors you listed, the hair stylist would be my freak out point. That has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with your inlaws. It’s your freaking hair!
Anyway, they’re paying, so they get some say. They don’t get to plan a wedding without you…and they don’t get to unilaterally choose vendors for you. That’s crazypants. You can work together to find vendors for the things they want to pay for, sure. But to me, leaving you out of the these decisions is hurtful, disrespectful and all kinds of boundary-defying. It would be a reason to thank them for their generoisity, but you can’t possibly accept their money.
Shut it down now before you have contractors showing up at your house to do renovations that you don’t want.
Post # 10
Neay, I know from your other post that your fiance’s family is Lebanese Orthodox…please know that this kind of behavior is 100% normal, to them. It’s also common behavior among the Greeks and Syrians when preparing for a wedding. (Watch “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”.) They think they are helping in using their huge network of resources. Of course it’s not OK for them to book things without your approval, and they should be consulting with you…even if they are contributing to the wedding…but do remember that they feel like they are trying to help.
It’s worth mentioning that this is a behavior that will repeat itself in all other areas of your marriage, because family (and harnessing the Orthodox social network) is so very important in the Orthodox community…so if you can’t put up with this kind of meddling, you may want to consider moving after the marriage…
Post # 11
OH helllllzzz no. No booking vendors or anything else without the bride and grooms approval and especially if the said “booker” is not paying.
Post # 12
@ArwenBride: hehe I laughed about the renovations
I am in a similar position. Future Mother-In-Law is a stay at home mom so all her life is about helping others. She’ll help us plannig but I fear that she will push one too many. So far she tried to pick my bridesmaids for me and push us to hire a laywer (but we gotta pay, so a big no if she’s not paying).
I guess we gotta be strong… and say NO.