Post # 1
Fiance’s ex remarried about 4 years ago. She is pregnant now with a baby boy. FI an his ex wife have two daughters together and I know they were both hoping for boys even at tha time. This was an unplanned pregnancy that she was initially not happy about, but of course is now posting all kinds of pics and joyous announcements on facebook.
I have one son from my previous marriage. I always wanted to have two kids. FI and I have agreed we would like to try for a baby together after we get married next year. There are several problems though. The biggest-he had a vasectomy almost seven years ago. I have resentment toward him for this and toward his ex for this because I am almost 100% certain it was her idea for the procedure. He plans to have it reversed so we can TTC, but thats a very expensive procedure. We are also both already in our 30s and are going to collectively already have 3 children to support and we don’t have a lot of money.
It seems unfair that he basically sterilized himself forever and now I get the short end of the stick while his ex is pregnant and didn’t even want a baby.
Tips to cope?
Post # 2
LB2015MB: I had a tubal ligation after my second baby was born. I used to tell men that I dated that we were a package deal- me, my two kids and my tubal ligation.
You each have at least one child, you knew about the vasectomy, you chose to pursue a relationship with him. Be happy for what you have rather than be jealous of what someone else has. Green is not an attractive color on many people.
Post # 3
LB2015MB: put yourself in her shoes. Would you rather be pregnant and with someone else or be with your FI, as he is?
I understand you are resentful but you were informed that he had the procedure and you have options. Even if it were her idea, he still had the procedure done So it’s on him. She’s not part of your relationship, afaik
It’s ok to feel jealous, angry, resentful etc but you gotta work through it for your relationship and your family. Other people’s pregnancies have zero relational effect on your ability to conceive. Focus on pulling together the resources and planning for the possibility of a growing family, whatever that looks like.
Post # 4
It’s really hard to watch other people get things you want, especially when you don’t consider them deserving.
At the same time, this is probably not really much to do with her as to do with your own stresses (it’s stressful to spend money on an operation, stressful to have the operation, stressful to try to conceive, stressful to financially plan for more children) and perhaps the fact that the vasectomy reminds you of the fact that you’re the “second wife”–ie, that he made a permanent decision based on the fact that he thought he would be with her forever. So yeah, in that sense, his past is haunting you a bit. But…his past is always with you; it’s part of him and you through his daughters (who will be the new baby’s half-sisters, so please remember that and be sensitive for their sake).
If that’s the case, then you know as well as I do, that you just need to let it go. The vasectomy is a remnant of his past. He’s reversing it for a different vision of his future with you. And you can’t go backwards, you can only go fowards. So go forwards. If this is what you want and he’s on board, then start planning for it. Figure out what you need financially and put together a savings plan. Talk to a doctor and start getting an idea about how it may or may not affect your fertility so you’re prepared. Talk about what you will do if you are unable to conceive–which will be a deep disappointment, but an important possibility to consider.
And for heaven’s sake, stop torturing yourself with the ex’s Facebook. Your life is already very full; don’t start cluttering it up manicured with images from someone else’s.
Post # 5
You already have a lot of children to support. Please make sure none of them are negatively impacted by the moneybeing spent on the procedure and on the potential new sibling.
You have no right to feel resentment. You had your life before him and he had his before you. It shouldn’t matter wtf his ex has going on.
Post # 6
I agree with PPs. Please focus on the children you DO have. Why do you care what his ex is doing with her new husband? You knew your DH had a vasectomy prior to marrying him so you made the decision so why have resentment towards her? Have you spoken to anyone about this?
Post # 7
Why are you even looking at his ex’s Facebook? Best coping tip is to stop doing that. Facebook isn’t real life. You only see the fun happy stuff. No one posts pictures of their broken lawn mower or teenage kid’s smart mouthed behavior. Even lives of people you actually like look better on Facebook. You’re just pissing yourself off looking at pictures of fun stuff posted by someone you don’t like.
for the rest of it, come back to reality. If you didn’t resent your fiance’s vasectomy when you said you’d marry him, then you’re just being irrational to resent it now. Your fiance was presumably an adult when he had the procedure: old enough to make up his own mind, and his ex didn’t strap him down and snip him herself. Using that as yet another excuse to feel resentful is just plain foolish. Reversal is sometimes a painful procedure (and always expensive). Be grateful your fiance is willing to go through it for you.
Post # 8
Horseradish: +1 you posted everything I wanted to say.
Post # 9
There’s a lot of people out there that “have always wanted” a specific number of children, or children at all, and they arent able to have that “dream scenario”.
Focus more on what you’ve already brought into the world and less on what someone else is doing.
Post # 10
I second everything that has been said so far. It doesn’t matter whose idea the vasectomy was; he signed the forms and allowed it to happen. That’s on him and not his ex. And you knew this going into the relationship/marriage, so if another child was a big priority you would have been best off not continuing the relationship. And that was your choice – you cannot blame that on anyone else.
You say you do not have a lot of money. If this is the case, will pursuing the reversal negatively impact the future of the children you already have? Regardless, make sure you know all about the costs AND the likelihood of the success of a reversal. The likelihood of successfully getting pregnant go down significantly around 10 years after a vasectomy, with success rates of only about 30%. As time goes on, additional blockages can form and some men develop antibodies to their own sperm. As it stands, you still probably only have a 50/50 chance. Are you okay with spending all the money and not becoming pregnant? Or can you pay for the reversal AND IVF, because it may take both to achieve success. So the sooner the better if you are really going to pursue this.
Post # 11
So what if when the vasectomy is reversed and you’re pregnant with a girl, what then would you do? If your fiance’ has no issues with his ex, why then are you making it a problem? Thank God for having an amicable divorce situation, that is if it really is drama free. I understand if you wanted to give him that special moment and be the one to give his children the baby brother, that he would have wanted. But I would hope you were marrying him for more than that desire. Do you think that if his ex opted for the vasectomy that she shouldn’t have gottne pregnant and that she’s cheating your new relationship out of something? Cause if that’s the case, then you rel outta place. What happened in their marriage is their marriage.<br /><br />If this vasectomy is becoming a deal breaker for you, honestly consider that. If it’s not, then sugar you need to get over it. Put on your big girl pants and consider making your present family work and love them for being sufficient.
Post # 12
And they say the ex wife is always the crazy one. This post is a good reminder that the ex isn’t always the villan.
Post # 13
You always wanted more than one kid? Great, because you’re going to have three once you marry your fiancé. I don’t understand the need to spend a ton of money to have yet another child when you’ve already got three to support. Focus your attention on developing a relationship with the two new children you are about to have.
Post # 14
Let me just say as someone trying TTC without success and with losses, I’d take your short end of the stick any day. I also cannot fathom for the life of me why you would ever look at his ex’s FB page unless you are a masochist. Lastly, it may have 100% been her idea, but unless she stuck a gun to his head in the operating room, I’m pretty sure he had enough control over his own body to say no to the vascectomy if he truly didn’t want it.
Post # 15
First, a vasectomy reversal doesn’t always work. Second, you mention that you don’t have a lot of money. Is it worth stressing yourselves financially to have another child? You will have three already. Financial problems are a major cause of divorce.