Post # 1
My fiance and I decided to have a short engagment (5 months) for spiritual and personal reasons. However, we still want a nice wedding so we have been keeping ourselves very busy. I’ve picked out my bridesmaids, many have ordered their dresses, and things are coming together nicely!
Last night, my fiance’s sister came by to have dinner with us. She asked what she could at our wedding. Both my fiance and I had decided to ask her to play clarinet in a clarinet/piano duet with her uncle for our ceremony. She had agreed previously, and I mentioned to her during our dinner that I had still thought that it would be nice if she would contribute in that way. She said that she would be happy to do that and then asked, “So, I’m not going to be a bridesmaid?” I replied that I had already picked my bridesmaids and that I really would love for her to play for the ceremony because I thought that would be very nice. I then asked if that was okay with her, and she said yes. I thought everything was fine and she didn’t seem overtly hurt or upset.
Later that night, my fiance’s mother texted him absolutely livid that his sister was not to be included in the wedding party. She said that it is always “assumed” that the sister of the groom would be in the wedding party. Furthermore, she added that she told his sister that she WOULD have a bigger role in the wedding.
I was taken aback. I had never known that having the sister of the groom in the bridal party was “assumed.” I love his sister and we get a long very well, but I would not consider her one of my close friends. I never wanted to exclude her, I just didn’t feel like she was someone that I really wanted up there with me on the big day. I always thought the bridesmaids were who the bride wanted supporting her and helping her on her big day and the groomsmen were the same for the groom. (Neither my mother, my father, nor my best friend and her fiance included siblings of their future spouses in their wedding parties.)
We already have an unusually large wedding party (I have 8 bridesmaids and he has 8 groomsmen). I don’t see how I could change things now. I feel like it may look worse that I have 8 bridesmaids and STILL didn’t include her, but it really did not occur to me that I was supposed to. The girls in my party are all very dear and close friends of mine. I told them the situation and one of my bridesmaids even offered (without my asking) to step-down so that his sister could take her spot in order to alleviate my stress. I don’t want her to have to do that, but I don’t want feelings hurt either. I feel so pressured and cornered now. For the record, my fiance agrees with me that it should be up to each individual to pick who they want as their bridesmaids or groomsmen. However, he is equally (if not more) frustrated with the entire situation. I think he feels rather torn.
I don’t want my relationship with my future in-laws to be ruined. I love them all very much and couldn’t sleep last night due to agonizing over this. Everything was going great until now. What do you guys think?
Post # 3
I can understand that she would be hurt if you have eight bridesmaids and didn’t even consider her for one of those spots. However, you have the right to pick your bridesmaids and your FMIL can’t demand that you change your plans to accomodate your FSIL. I think it was nice of you to ask her to be involved in the wedding in another way, but maybe she feels like you’re using her as “free labor” in a sense by asking her to do something that is usually paid.
Also, in the future, you don’t need to post the same topic in multiple sub-forums. Most people read WeddingBee by viewing all of the sub-forums together, so we end up seeing three or four of the exact same post.
Post # 4
I had my future sister-inlaw in my bridal party, but I also get along with her really well.
I do think it is insulting that you have 8 people in your bridal party and you didn’t think to include her. Shame on your fiance for not thinking of his sister either. I could understand it if you didn’t get along but you do.
At this point it is too late and if would be even more insulting.
Out of coursity, who are your fiances groomsmen? I hope none are your brothers (if you have any).
Post # 5
I think it’s totally rude that you didn’t include her. She is now a part of your family. I’m sorry to say, but I dout all 8 of your “friends” will ever be that close. This is your fiance’s sister, and I don’t blame his family for being mad at you. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but they are your FAMILY now.
Post # 6
I’m not having my FSIL as as BM and I was not hers when she got married a few years ago. Where I’m from it’s totally not expected to have your FI’s fam in the party, so i wouldn’t have thought if it either.
Just keep going, don’t cave and all will be well. You can’t worry about what other people may or may not think. Let them worry about that.
Just enjoy your day!
PS. I agree with the PP about the multiple posting. I saw this 3 times in the top 10 threads.. you may want to get the mods to delete the other ones.
Post # 8
@al0818: Family is who you make it…sometimes “friends” really can be that close. It is harsh to assume anything about the OPs relationships with her friends.
@roseglass6370: I am not including my FSIL in my bridal party, but we are really not that close at all, and neither are FI and her. I like her a lot, and will be happy to have her as a SIL, but I felt it would look awkward if I included her- like I was obligated to.
Post # 9
@Audrey2_sings: Friends come and go – family is alway there.
Post # 10
My fiance asked me to include his sister in my BP (even though I hate her guts) and I did just because I knew it would be a bigger fight to not include her. Even though it’s MY bridal party it’s OUR wedding (and he included my two brothers in as his groomsmen. And honestly, i was a little hurt when I wasn’t a bridesmaid in my brother’s wedding.(Sidenote: I have 11 bm’s so I get what your saying, but maybe find a bigger role for her too. Or include her in other activities like getting ready with you and your maids, etc)
Post # 11
I am not planning to have my FSIL in my wedding party and I am probably going to have 6-7 bridesmaids. That said, my boyfriend is not planning to have my brother (or even his own brother) in his side of the wedding party either.
I am 31 and his sister is 19. She is extremely immature and still in the stage where she is acting out to spite her parents. Right now she is somewhat estranged from the rest of her family but even before that I don’t believe she would have been included. I’ve only met her twice. She does not act like an adult.
Of COURSE if it was important to my boyfriend to include his sister I would have her in my wedding party but they are not close. If his family gets upset I guess we’ll have to re-evaluate but personally I would prefer to include her in another way (ask her to do a reading or something).
Post # 12
My sis in law didnt make me a BM at their wedding 4 years ago, I was pretty upset although I didnt say anything at the time, we are now much closer and she always says her biggest wedding regret (wedding) was not having me as part of the bridal party.
I have always known that FI’s younger sister will be in my bridal party even though we arent close at all the same way I asume one of my brothers will be his GM.
The problem is now that if you ask her it is clear she wasnt your first choice.. really not a great situation to be in.. sorry
Post # 13
I’m surprised that people think this is flat-out rude.
What’s rude is you MIL texting (texting! really?) your FI to scold the two of you for your choices. If she has a problem, she needs to call one of you and sort it out like an adult.
I definitely wouldn’t include her now. First of all, she’s going to know you didn’t want her there anyway. Second, your setting yourself up to get run over by his family in the future.
Yes, they are your family, but they can’t expect you to include everyone in everything. I think playing music at the ceremony is a big deal! It sounds to me like everyone needs to take a deep breath and get together in person to work through the anger. But they need to respect whatever decision you make. Your not being an ass, so they don’t need to treat you like one.
For what it’s worth…my little sister, and both FI’s brother and sister are not in our wedding party. Nobody cares.
Post # 14
If excluding her is really going to ruin your relationship with the in-laws as you said, I’d go ahead and include her. Have one of the groomsmen walk two girls down the aisle, or have your MoH enter first alone so she stands out. No one will care that the sides are one person uneven.
Post # 15
I didn’t have my FSILs on my side, and DH included my bros as ushers, but not in the party. No one threw a fit and/or expected to be in the party. And you have the right to choose whoever you want.
However, I agree that with 8 spots, it’s kind of strange to overlook one sister (if he had 3 or 4, it’d be different.) Can you go to 9 on each side? Or ask her to do a reading? Or perform some other part of your ceremony that is more meaningful?
Post # 16
You love her and you get along really well, but in choosing EIGHT bridesmaids you didn’t consider how excluding your future sister-in-law might be perceived as a slight? I’m sorry, but that was wishful thinking!
Even if you aren’t close NOW, it’s a nice gesture and a way to grow closer and show that you want to have a good relationship with her and that you RESPECT her as part of your family now.
Yes, it’s about the people you want up there with you but it’s also for your future husband and his family too. If my husband wasn’t asked to be in his own sister’s wedding, I’d be shocked and probably pretty offended. If you can’t count on being in the wedding of your own sibling (provided you have a decent enough relationship) . . . then what is this world coming to?
Oh, FWIW, we didn’t have a wedding party at all. We just had our sisters sign our marriage licence.