Post # 1
I am originally from Germany but am a US citizen and live in the US for 10 years already. I (32)met my FI almost 5 years ago and from the start he (44) lived in a big house that he owns 50% with his parents who own the other 50%. Unfortunately the parents also let his sister and her daughter live there who are nothing but leeches that live of their parents and my FI. Sister apparently doesnt make much money but goes shopping every weekend. Her daughter is 27 and sleeps the whole day, no job.
Apart from that hell, I always thought he is moving out of the house into something new with me. However 5 years later he still is with his parents. Main argument – he has his money tied up in the house and only way to get it out is to sell it – he doesnt want to do that as his parents are both old 77 and his mom has Alzheimers. Ok so far so good.
A huge issue happened a month ago – his brother who is also too good to get a job wanted to move in the house with his wife and 3 kids. I just couldnt take it and told FI it would probably not be a good idea to croud the house. Well, somehow the brother heard of that and I got beat up by him and his son. Police came and took a report, pictures were taken , court hearing etc.
I was so scared that i packed 2 suitcases and went home to germany for a month now. I still have my job as i took all my vacation days. i work in a huge bank. My FI says he is sorry for me being hit and that he now wants to move out of the house with me.
However, for me to come back and look for a house, i would have to stay in that multi family house again. just the thought of it makes me cringe.
Being away also makes me thing a lot- should i even get married to him because of that incident. I am scared that this will always be between us. His whole family hates me and see me as an intruder in their easy low life little community they have.
his parents are nice but they never ever say a word- just ” it will all wash over”. really. not for me. Never ever have i been hit in the face, threatened against the wall and pushed to the ground. I just cant forget that that easy.
Fi says i have to get over it if we want to start a life alone but i am not 100 % he will. How can a man who lived his whole life with his family in the same house all of a sudden make such a drastic change and move out. Maybe i am doing him wrong – maybe not. I am not sure…
Has anyone problems with inlaws and how did you handle the family?
Thank you soo much
Post # 2
purplehibiscus: This man allowed his brother and nephew to beat you up, and then tells you to come back and “get over it” if you want to be with him? Run, don’t walk, away from him and his messed up family. You deserve to feel safe and loved, not bullied at every turn.
Post # 3
Post # 4
First off you do not need to stay in that house. Do you have any friends to stay with? Is he/you able to rent a small apartment for a while? Are you willing to perhaps rent a room from a homeowner?
I had multiple problems with inlaws – I had one very unpleasant situation where I had his mother and grandmother screaming curse words over the phone (FI was on phone with them but has a disability and was unable to respond correctly, they heard me “parroting” in his ear and he handed me the phone to try and calmly talk to them but they lost it on me). After that my fiance was very firm with his family that it was unacceptable and even though they wouldn’t apologize I had to just move forward.
It certainly is possible for a man to make a drastic change like this, especially when his fiancee was assaulted in the current living situation. If people didn’t change like that then everyone would still be living with their parents until they were thrown to the curb.
I think I agree that you should try to get over it and allow it to wash over. This does not mean that you forgive the brother for his actions nor do you forget. It just means that you address the situation in the way that you need to, accept either the apology or lack of one and then try to not let it control you. You will always remember the incident but you can learn from it and move forward with your life.
Post # 6
there are too many people in the house. even though you miss your bf, isnt your life drama free from chaotic and toxic mess. dont go back errors from my android. i commented on a similar thread a few days ago, but the bride to be never said anything about physical violence that is why i told her in that situation to stay there. physical violence takes things to a totally different level, imo.
Post # 7
purplehibiscus: How can you ever feel safe with him after this? Please, please leave him.
Post # 8
purplehibiscus: its not his family that’s breaking you apart. Its your FI. He ALLOWS them to do all the crappy things they do. In one word, your FI is a coward. Period. Any man that can watch his woman get physically assaulted, then tell her to get over it, is a loser. You deserve more.
Move on and leave this family to their enmeshed mess.
Post # 9
FutureMrsJohnson_: YES. RUN! He is a scumbag and so are his family
Post # 10
Dump him. That is one fucked up family that you do not want to marry into.
Post # 11
Wow. That is insane. If that ever happened to me, my FI would drop that family member out of our lives forever, regardless of consequences.
If he can’t stand up in your defense when you have been physically assaulted, then in what other future situations will he also fail to have your back??
You deserve a partner who would never tolerate that, and who would never expect you to simply “get over it” and put yourself back into that situation. You have every right to not “get over it”. Drop this dude. There is no good quality that he could possibly possess that you could not find in someone else +100.
Post # 12
Pardon my french. Why the F*CK did he not defend you!? Now he expects you to “get over it” OH HELL NO.
Post # 13
What the fuuuu?! How is it even an OPTION for you to move back with this man and his crazy family?
I hope you pressed charges like shit against that crazy brother and his son. I hope they both have criminal records now. Can you even imagine the kind of person you have to be to team up with another man, your SON, who you are supposed to be setting a good example for, and go beat up a woman?!
The fact that your boyfriend not only is related to these people, but apparently is still in contact with them and thinks you should move in and live alongside them, shows he has already driven many hundreds of miles in a fast car down the road to Crazytown.
Time to cut your losses and find a man who treats you right!
Post # 14
I agree with the overall consensus. If you stay with him, and marry him, you will be dealing with this kind of bs for the rest of your life. And DEFINITELY do not go back and stay in that house! And I agree with you that it is unlikely that he will be able to really separate himself from his family after 44 years… The entire situation is problematic to me.
Post # 15
Sorry honey, I’m willing to overlook some level of crazy in a significant other’s family, but this situation is just crossing a line.
Think about one year, five years, ten years down the road. Even if you keep contact to a minimum, you will still have to see his family members at some point. Assault is something that people just don’t get over. You will always remember that when you see them, and it will be a consistent, tiny nagging friction in your relationship. I realize that this sounds extremely pessimistic, but I know that’s what would happen if I were in that position.
Family aside, your FI was completely out of line telling you to get over it and refusing to stand up for you. If he’s not willing to put your needs first to get into a living situation that at least makes you feel safe, then how can you trust him to have your back in anything else related to his family?
I’m sorry, but that’s a dealbreaker for me. Don’t spend the next five years living in fear of his family and that d-bag of a brother of his. No one deserves physical abuse like that, but even worse, no one deserves a partner who won’t defend them from abuse. Get out now and take care of yourself first!