Fiance's Family does not like me

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
165 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Have you talked to your fiance about this? Do they tell him they have a problem with you? If he knows he needs to speak up for you! You can only try so hard to find common ground but it sounds like it is a one way street. Family is important but if they don’t want to get to know you that is their loss. Your fiance fell in love with you just the way you are so need to try to impress anyone except him! Just stay true to who you are and those who want to know that person will stick around. Forget their harsh words and distant yourself from that negativity as much as possible. Good luck!

Post # 3
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Hisbride2015:  What does your fiance do when your mother says you’re “stuck up”? Does he stand up for you? The fact that this has happened several times tell me that he has done nothing about it.

Almost always, an in-laws problem is actually a fiance/husband problem. Your fiance needs to stand up for you. As for general conversation, he should be staying close to you and helping you fit in.

Post # 4
6443 posts
Bee Keeper

Hisbride2015:  I don’t have much to say in terms of advice, but just wanted to let you know that I totally commiserate.

My FI’s family doesn’t like me after 7 years of being with him. I think it’s because they’re first generation immigrants and always expected FI to find someone from their country of their culture who speaks their language (literally) and is of their religion, and I’m just a typical all-American girl. I always dreamt of having a great relationship with my in-laws (as if they’re a second family), so it hurts. When FI told them he was looking for rings, they had absolutely nothing to say to him and changed the subject. It’s especially hard because they fawn all over him and shower him with compliments and love and act like I’m some wet rag that the cat dragged in. My own parents are of the “if our daughter loves him, we trust her and we love him too” attitude, so they love FI (and often side with him over me — go figure!). I get depressed sometimes that FI gets to enjoy having two families who adore him and I’m still rejected by his family.

Anyway, after 7 years of this (and complaining to FI pretty consistently), he always tells me that he doesn’t care what his family thinks, he loves me regardless and always will. That makes me feel better, sure, but it still means I have to live with them ignoring me or being awkward around me forever more. I still try my best to make them like me, but I don’t think they ever will. Someone once told me that their behavior is not a reflection of me, it’s a reflection of them — I should not take it personally or feel as though it’s my deficiencies that somehow are the cause of their behavior. And that’s really helped me to get through it.

Good luck! *hugs*

Post # 8
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Stop trying so hard.

I went through much the same thing when I was 21.  My 1st husband’s family didn’t like me because my family was wealthy, foreign and I was also very quiet and reserved.  I’ve always been extremely shy.

Like you, I tried for years to get them to like me.  Finally, after we married, I stopped caring. I was still polite and sociable, but I also stopped attending every single social occasion.  I also stopped mentioning it to my then H, but never stopped him from seeing his family whenever he liked. 

To me, having your in laws like you is a bonus…but you can live without it.  I would say, if his mother is making extremely rude comments about your voice and dancing, your FI needs to have a word with her. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by  Baal.
Post # 9
1329 posts
Bumble bee

Hisbride2015:  With all due respect, she may feel as awkward around you as you feel around her, and although you are guessing what you think she’s thinking, it’s no better than 50/50 that your guess is correct.

I dearly love both of my daughter-in-laws, and I hope they know how much I care for them, but in honesty I don’t know how they really feel about me. 

I’m quirky and that may bother them, I don’t know. Since I care for them, treat them well, and admire them for how happy they make my sons, how they “feel” isn’t really too important to me.

Post # 10
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

ann.reid.9277:  And of course, that should work the other way, too.  They shouldn’t care how you ‘feel’ about them. 

Post # 11
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

You shouldn’t have to apologise for being you. You’re quiet, that’s who you are. Your FI knows this and accepts this and that’s what matters, not what his family think. That’s why he says “They just need to get to know you” because he does know you and he knows you’re a wonderful person. If his family got to know you they would probably see that but if they can’t get past the fact that you’re not brash and loud and outspoken then it’s them who are missing out.

Loud people sometimes assume things about shy people, most likely because they are not shy and they don’t know how to take someone who is unlike them. (Obviously this isn’t just true of ‘loud people’). They maybe don’t ‘trust’ you because you’re not like them. Which is a very sad way to live your life really. To close yourself off to people who are not like you. Fortunately for you and your FI you have found each other to be quiet together. Just being yourselves.

So I echo Baal and say “Don’t try so hard” Be yourself and if they don’t like you, they don’t like you. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you and it doesn’t mean you should try to change to please anyone else. You can’t please everyone anyway. You could try to be more like his family and they might just decide to not like you for a different reason.

Right now they call you “stuck up” and think you look down your nose at them? But you don’t, right? So that’s their inferiority complex. Nothing wrong with you. You can’t help it if someone choses to go through life insisting that other people are judging them negatively when the truth is the other person doesn’t see people as being “better” than others just because they don’t throw crazy shapes on the dancefloor, or whatever their own personal critera is.

Post # 14
1891 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Be who you are, dear… If they have an issue, that is their problem. You are blessed to have a family that is loving and supportive of you, you do not need another. I agree with the PP that said she quit going to all of the events and other than being polite kept her distance. It is funny that he does not fit in, either, haha! Try not to worry about them, as these things are lost causes. 

Post # 15
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

If you’re being sweet/charming and your FI is standing up for you, that’s kind of all you can do. Sometimes people just don’t get along. If your MIL isn’t saying anything to your face or disparaging you to FI, what else can you do? Skimming through the boards, I’m sure you could find plenty of brides who would give their left arm for in-laws who “tolerate” them.

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