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I come from a super close, huge family so I can't imagine not having them there. My gut instinct would be to pull rank and make him invite the family. But this is his day too. He want to share it with people he feels loves him and supports him and celebrates this decision. If he's not close enough to his family to have that, then they shouldn't be there. It sounds like he's worried there's going to be lots of drama among them during the wedding and he probably just wants to steer clear of that. Your fears are valid, you definitely don't want to let him sever ties forever if there's no need, but that's his choice. Keep in mind, attending the wedding could sever ties just as easily. Support him, whatever his decision is. This is supposed to be one of the happiest days of his life and a huge milestone, when he looks back on this day he doesn't want to think about family drama but only think about the amazing start to a new life.
@gaucho25: And I think you're right to keep his family issues private when you're family asks questions. That's honestly the most respectful way to handle it, IMHO. As far as registries go, you can make private ones. So you cannot be looked up by your names but only the registry # that you provide to people. If you have your heart set on a registry, I would check with the stores you want to register at, I'm sure this is not the first time they've had a couple worried about wedding locations and dates available for anyone. I'm sure there's an easy way around this.
@maribonner: I wasn't totally serious. I don't actually think our votes outweigh the guys, but I do know that if I really really felt strongly about something, FI usually make sure I'm happy.
@maribonner: Agreed.
It's his family. He gets to decide. My Fi isn't having his family there either. It's his choice. I'm supporting him. Don't add more stress to it.
As for questions about it, just say something simple like "Fi doesn't have the same relationship we do." end of story. say nothing else because it's not their business.
When it comes to his family I think you both get a vote and he breaks all ties.
I agree that it should be his decision to invite his family or not. If he thinks it will make him uncomfortable to have them there, then it may be better that they not be there. It's your big day, so you want to be surrounded by people who love and support you.
If I were you, I would ask his mother to tell people that it was a really small, intimate wedding with very close family and friends. Even if that's a lie, it will cut back on any bad feelings. Ultimately it's his choice because it's his family but I do understand where you're coming from; have you mentioned to him that you're worried that it will cause drama to NOT invite them? It could also set you up for drama in your marriage at some point. I wouldn't press it if I were you, but just make sure he's absolutely sure and that he's ready to defend you if anyone blames you for them not being there.
Oh also if you are having a ceremony that would traditionally have a groom's side and a bride's side, you can ask the ushers to try and seat people evenly on both sides so that it doesn't draw attention.
Thanks Bees! I am trying to be supportive as I know it is sensitive for my fiance. I want to stand by his decision even if I personally think he should invite them (because I see it as something you can't ever take back). I appreciate all of your perspectives.
Does anyone have ideas on stores where they let you just put in your registry number? Most of the stores I have talked to seem pretty inflexible about this. My mother got sad last night when I told her that we were not going to have a registry as she thinks people in the family and friends will want to buy us gifts (though I didn't go into all the details). Thanks!
@gaucho25: You could always tell the store that for security reasons, you do not want to disclose the date of your wedding. You could also put a fake date on your registry and just let people know why it's not correct.
I'm actually really surprised that the stores aren't being more accommodating because this can't be the first time something like this has come up.
The stress sounds crappy. Is your husband sure that not having them there is not going to be equally stressful (given the registeries, worrying if they are going to show up, etc)?
Could you do an Amazon registry? I am not sure what it entails but you could always set one up and have your guests go off that. Or, you could make a Target wishlist instead of a wedding registry if you plan to register at Target. It works almost identical to the regular wedding registry, except that you cant print it out at the store.
As for your FI, I think it's his choice to either not invite or to break ties. A wedding causes so much stress and drama to begin with. I've heard of many families that were in good health before the wedding lose relationships during and after. You may be saving him drama and helping keep moderate peace by not having them there.
Thanks! Amazon would be my number choice because of the options and pricing, but they have a pretty inflexible registry policy and dealing with customer service for two hours was not fun. I should check about the wishlist idea though. Thanks!
@gaucho25: You can just put in a fake name but still have the registry number and just give that out. They don't check your ID.
ETA: fake date is way easier lol
Would the fake date or fake names confuse people though or garner up lots of people asking questions?
@gaucho25: You could use a fake cutesy name that maybe goes with the theme of your wedding. Or use like a famous couple's name...it's a little different, but I don't think it'll raise suspicion to your guests as to his family drama
Thanks again ackerman...we're going to a local store today that has a registry and found another one that can put in the date as 1979 so it will just seem like we were going retro or something
What a tough process for you. Unfortunately, I agree with most other bees and it's his decision as to which contacts he invites to repesent him and his family. However, you may want to make sure you mention the effects this could have. You said his family still sends cards, writes letters, etc....if you don't invite them to the wedding, they will probably take it as you both having no interest of having them in your lives. So the contact may stop all together. If you both are ok with that, then it is what it is. However, is this a conflict that is more his mother's and the rest of the family, where FI is stuck in the middle? If that's the case, it's really sad b/c then by not inviting them it will probably appear like you've chosen FMIL's side, even if not inviting them only has to do with avoiding drama at the wedding/reception.
I understand where you are coming from because I couldn't imagine not inviting my relatives, but my FI doesn't want anyone coming except his two brothers and mom. Strange? For my family and myself it is very strange. For him though, it is the only way he will enjoy our day.
I say, let him do what he wants to do. You don't want to stir up trouble or cause issues on your wedding day because of some relatives he doesn't want there.
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Hi Bees
This one is really about my fiance and how I can best be a supportive fiance for him. My fiance has a small family, but has a strained relationship with them. He is only inviting his mother (and this is drama enough). His parents are divorced and he has an uneasy relationship with the rest of his small family. It is difficult for me to understand as I am very close with my large family on both sides. He does not speak to his family, but they do send cards, gifts, letters, etc. However, he feels that having his family there will cause stress (including for his mom who causes drama) and that the rest of his family has not really been a positive aspect in his life. I am just really worried that not inviting them to the wedding will sever ties and might later down the road, alter the possibility of a relationship with our children (ok yet to be born but one day hoping). I don't personally have a problem with his family, but they have causes him some resentment. Again, I can't totally put myself in his shoes, but I personally think he should invite them. But, again it is not my family and it is not my decision. It is influencing our wedding, including our location, our decision to not have registries (since they make you put in the date and/or location), and the general tone of the wedding given the anxiety that they might show up. This influence makes me pretty disappointed and I don't want my fiance to feel bad as it it is not his fault. My family keeps asking about his family, but I don't want to disclose details. I want our wedding and our marriage to be a great day. Any bees' thoughts or advice on this? And how I can be supportive?