Post # 1
Hello fellow bees,
I need some help. My fiance and I got engaged in November 2012. We have been planing our wedding since. My close friends have been planing my shower since January and have picked a specific date in June for the shower. They have done quite a bit of planning since then. Now my fiance’s mother just got engaged and decided she wants to get married on our shower date. She asked my fiance initally for this. We do not have the best relationship, and she has not been very helpful or involved at all since we got engaged. In fact, she has been cold and distant. I felt like she was being selfish, as the shower is scheduled for 7 weeks from now and she got engaged 2 weeks ago. I fought with my fiance about this who doesn’t seem to get why this would upset me. Believe me if this was the first time something like this happened, of course I would move it, but there has been a long string of events that have made me feel very unwelcome in his family. I talked with my best friends and their families who are throwing the shower and they are appalled. My fiance first told his mother to look for another date and that it would be difficult for us to change it. Then, my fiance’s mother called me directly while my fiance was out of town and asked me. How can I say no to her when directly confronted? So I said yes we would move it. Now I am upset at her, at him, and to boot my best friend is mad at me that I am being inconsiderate to her. My best friend actually told me that she is now not allowing her daughter to be our flower girl and her husband will not be a groomsman in our wedding any further. She also states she will not come to my bachelorette party. So right now I am sitting here angry at his mom, at him, and at best friend thinking how on Earth am I going to make this right. And should I? My fiance is upset at his mom and tells me he talk to her and call my best friend to apologize, but I know this is just going to end badly. Has anyone ever thought, “I hate my wedding” and all the drama and horribleness that comes with it. I feel helpless right now as to what to do to make things right.
Post # 3
Hate to say it but if she called me directly and asked I would have been honest with her. Now look at all of the extra drama this has called. At least you could have said you tried. Dont sweat it, it just sucks that you have history with her that makes you feel uncomfy. It may have inconvienced your best friend and I hope she can get pass it. So sorry you have to go through this. Just think of some damage control. Only you know whats best.
Post # 4
Maybe there’s something I’m missing, but why does your shower need to be moved? People (except you) can just choose which event they want to attend. Obviously you won’t attend his mom’s wedding, but she has to expect that when she picks a wedding date only 9 weeks out – some people are going to have prior commitments.
I have to say your best friend doesn’t sound like much of a friend. Being upset is one thing, but it sounds like she was not understanding of your dilemma at all, and instead went nuclear on you.
Post # 5
You kind of caused this drama by giving in to his mom, all you had to say was “I’m sorry but I will not be able to attend as that is my shower date and it’s already set” and your FI should have told her NO from the get go, end of story and to not even bother calling to ask you.
I would be pissed at you too if I had worked hard to plan a shower then you just cancelled it and expected your family, bridal party and MOH to move everything around like that after it’s been in the works for weeks. You need to call your FMIL, tell her you don’t care what date her wedding is but your shower is on the original shower date.
Then you need to call your bestie and apologize for not tell FMIL no in the first place and that you want to stick to the original shower date.
Post # 6
I would call up your friend, apologize, and she if anything has actually been cancelled yet. If not, tell her to keep everything as is and call up your FMIL and tell her that unfortunately the plans that have been made can’t be easily changed.
I don’t know why you couldn’t just say that to her in the first place, or stuck to a bit more of a cop out, that you have to check to see if it could be changed without giving a definite answer.
Post # 7
Even if you’re going to move the shower to attend the wedding, I very much doubt she picked her wedding date to spite you. And sorry, but wedding > bridal shower. This woman is going to be in your life forever, so if it were me, I would move the shower, attend her wedding, and try to be sweet even if it seems like she’s not returning the favor. If it really grinds your gears that much, then skip the wedding altogether, your FI can attend, and you can keep your bridal shower as planned.
P.S. While I can respect that your MOH put a lot of work into planning your shower (for 4 months?!), it sounds like she’s being kind of immature. The wedding of a family member is an important event, and she should be more understanding, especially since the date your FMIL chose for her wedding is out of your control.
Post # 8
I wouldn’t have cancelled the shower. If anything, at least you can count on your FMIL not being there (thats a good thing, right?). Is it a joint shower with your FI and he will have to choose shower vs. mom’s wedding?? If not, then I don’t see the issue.
I think your best friend is definitely overreacting, but she probably doesn’t like to see you treated this way and making sacrifices because your FMIL is a biatch. I’d smooth it over with her, keep your initial shower date and go have a great time
Post # 9
Initially I fought with my finace over this and that is why we said no to the mom initially. She later called me directly and confronted me about this saying she could not have the wedding she wants if her “whole” family would not be there. I told her I would get back to her and talk to my MOH first. I called my MOH who was pissed, but agreed to change the date then. My MOH was very upset, but was so upset for my sake. You see I have no family and she is basically my only family (my mom passed from cancer 3 years ago) and she feels I am being taken advantage of by my fiance’s family. We talked and she said she could move the date. I called the mom and told her she could take the date. Later, my MOH texts me that she is so upset and is out of the wedding and so is her family and she is not coming to my bachelorette. I have tried to reach out to her and tell her that lets do the shower on the same date, let the mom do what she wants and I am sorry. I told her we can cancel it alltogether if she feels to upset. I told her that I just don’t want to lose her. I have a feeling I won’t hear from her for a couple of weeks, if ever again.
Post # 10
@firefly72333: If you and your best friend are as close as you say, then you will hear from her. She is probably mad and just needing to let off some steam. Why would she allow this to ruin your relationship? I can’t imagine she would just never speak to you again, thats crazy.
I personally think that it sounds like your FMIL chose that date to be spiteful. She JUST got engaged and of all the dates to choose from thats the one she picks?? She couldnt pick the next weekend? Who does that?
Post # 11
@AB Bride: +1
I think it is completely insane that you are giving in to your FMIL. You have been planning your wedding for a lot longer than she has and have dates already booked.
Continue to reach out to your MOH and tell her to keep the date as planned.