Fiances problems :(

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

That sucks, I’m really sorry. My husband had to deal with this from me, it didn’t get better as hard as I tried until I got into therapy.

what I would suggest is to calmly sit him down and lay it out kinda along the lines of… “I know you have been having a hard time lately and I wish there was something I could do to help but I don’t know what to do. it’s causing problems in our relationship and I worry they will only get worse. I want you to be happy and I need you to really consider therapy, for yourself and for our relationship. I don’t want to leave you but I don’t know how much longer our relationship will last if it continues.”

just tread easy and lay it on the line

Post # 4
Member
935 posts
Busy bee

@Vintagelovexoxo:  sorry to be blunt, but he definitely seems to have various problems that deal with self esteem. and not to mention, he should not be running in a bathroom and tryint to escape the problems. why not suggest going to couples therapy, maybe he would feel more comfortable talking to someone again knowing that you will be there? I have dealt with a SO erectile dysfunction in the past and the worst thing you can do is make it about yourself because guys already feel a ton of pressure in that department (sex). 

 

But I also understand your point of being frustrated too, however, try not to make it appear to him that you are making it about yourself. good luck!

Post # 5
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@Vintagelovexoxo:  you can’t fix him. The best thing you can do for him is get him into therapy and leave. He needs to work on his issues- not be in a relationship Just my opinion. If he gets healthy maybe you could try being together down the road but he needs to help himself before he’s going to be any good with another person. 

 

ETA: sorry realized that sounds a little harsh and I don’t mean it to be but I don’t know any other way to say it 🙁

Post # 6
Member
989 posts
Busy bee

@Vintagelovexoxo:  I am sorry you’re going through this, it must be really tough. I think you need to put it to him that he NEEDS to find a new doctor and therapist if your relationship is to continue. He is letting his issues dictate his life, when, with the proper, professional help, he can gain back some control. Everything he is struggling with can be treated, but left untreated, it will continue to get worse – for both of you. This is much too big for you to deal with alone – it’s too big a responsibility of looking after him to shoulder on your own. He needs help. If he can’t be proactive and take the steps to help himself get better, then I don’t hold out a lot of hope for a healthy relationship between you both.

I had a breakdown earlier this year, and I knew I needed help when I became increasingly paranoid about strangers, I didn’t feel safe. I felt panicky, lost all motivation – my anxiety was dictating everything I did. But I found a good therapist to help me through and process what I was feeling. I don’t think if still be here if not for her help. That is how much I regard people who dedicate their working careers to help people like me. People can get to a stage where they can manage their mental health issues – they just have to take that step.

Post # 7
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Honestly I would leave. You can’t help him if he doesn’t want help- and running into the bathroom having a panic attack just because you bring it up… WoW!! He’s had these problems for more than 6 yrs, if he’s not willing to see a doctor 🙁 what kind of future do you think you’ll have together? Seriously! He’s not dealing with this- how do you think he’ll deal with any other problems that arise during marriage? How’s he going to deal when his ED gets in the way of your needs of having a baby- go freak out in the bathroom?

Post # 8
Member
2992 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I am concerned that he has apparently had these problems for quite some time and never told you about them for two years. And you are quite right – you simply cannot go tiptoeing through life trying to spare his feelings. And fleeing to the bathroom when confronted about his issues is a very immature response indicating he is nowhere near ready to handle the ups and downs of marriage. You can not help him with his issues, he needs the help of professionals. Personally I would give him an ultimatum – either seek out help (individual and couples) or you will leave. I really feel badly for him but if he loves you and wants the relationship as much as you, he should be willng to try again. I would point out that different doctors and therapists may have different options from what he tried before and new treatments are developed all the time.

Post # 9
Member
1234 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Vintagelovexoxo:  You are right, you cannot continue living like this.

I can relate, my DH suffers from depression or slight bi-polar disorder (still working on the correct diagnosis. To top it all off, he is not a patient man, he has a temper (verbal only).

He always blamed his illness for his shortness, but there came a point (before we got married) that enough was enough. It came down to ”help yourself – help us – or I’m done”. If he was willing to try and continue to improve, I was willing to not walk away.

He started medication (more than one… it can be tough to find the right one, still working on it), and we are now waiting for a referral for counseling – and these were his choices.

I won’t lie, it hasn’t been easy and progress has been slow. I truly think he needs counselling. Marriage life hasn’t been easy so far, but I am still not willing to give up as long as he realizes what he is doing and that he needs to rectify it. I am not saying I will be okay doing this forever, but time will tell where this will take him, and us.

Only recently did he really start to realize the gravity of his actions (all past and present actions) when his mother said:

”Your brother called me last week and said he cannot believe the way you talk to O.My.Heart sometimes… He wonders how bad it gets when no one is around”, that is when it really hit home for him. Since then, he has come forward with the most sincere apology I have ever heard from him, and I really notice his efforts in hearing me out when I tell him how something makes me feel – He realizes that it’s not just his illness, he needs to learn to be more patient and respectful. 

Sorry I’m blabbing… I just wanted to let you know that some men need an ultimatum sometimes, or to hear it from someone else.

If he refuses to help himself, I would walk (I say that because 6 years is a long time – DH and I have been together for 4.

As long as he is willing to get help and keeps improving, I am willing to stay with him in his battle. I’ve even gone to his Dr.’s appointment with him.

My dad had the EXACT same problem with my mom, except he didn’t want to get help… So eventually, she left him – and I don’t blame her (I guess it’s true that you marry your father lol, except my man doesn’t want to act like a bad husband).

Good luck hun and don’t settle for less than what you deserve.

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