Post # 1
Hi all, I’m new to this but have a problem.
My fiance is becoming very distant from his family and hates talking on the phone with them. I live near my parents and see them all the time, but his parents are 1,000 miles away and he seems to think that it isn’t important to maintain a healthy relationship with them. When he does call them, he gets railed for not calling more often, and for not telling them whats going on in his life.
After a major blow up on the phone with him last night, she said they might not even come to our wedding next summer.
His mom has told me how it is hurting her, so I have sort of become the counselor to both of them. I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to hold their relationship together, which (of course) is not working. Anyone else have any insight or advice? Thanks.
Post # 3
My FI isn’t as close to his parents as I am with mine either and I literally just nag him to call them until he does! His dad lives in town and we see once a week almost every week but his mom lives 3 hours away! He is worse with calling his mom so I communicate to her for him via email and phone so that she feels more connected to us!
Post # 4
I don’t know, he’d probably want to call them more often if they weren’t scolding him for not calling whenever he does. 🙁 I don’t think your FI is totally in the right with this, but maybe you should suggest to his mom that she tries to keep conversations light, not push him to tell them things, and take it easy. And maybe just accept that maybe he won’t call as often as she’d like, but that at least he’ll do so with some regularity. He won’t get a healthy relationship with his parents if they’re mad that he’s not calling more and blowing up on the phone.
I know that I call my mom a LOT less frequently when she’s driving me nuts with arguments and nitpicking, but every time we have a fun talk, I look forward to talking to her again. But most of the time I just call and ask to talk to my dad, haha. He’s just easier to talk to. A relationship with anybody, no matter how closely related, can’t work unless it’s actually enjoyable for the people involved.
Post # 5
Was the major blow up about him not calling enough, or a separate topic? Because that might really impact how you approach this. If there is another can of worms here then that is a different issue – if it’s simply him not calling enough for her liking, why don’t they work out some kind of deal? He calls every week/every other week for a chat and in return she agrees not to lay into him about telling her more?
Post # 6
Your SO’s relationship with his parents is not the same as your; same with us. Different=Different. Different doesn’t = wrong. I talk to my dad every few weeks for a few minutes when my FI could talk hours on end with his mom, mainly out of guilt.
One reason I don’t talk a lot with specific people (my dad is not one of them- we just don’t talk about every single detail of every single day) is that they are a.) exhausting or b.) all they do is bitch and moan about everyone around them. I know I got tired of talking with FMIL because all she would do is talk about everyone negatively and bitch about her current situation that she won’t get out of plus she’s very conversation dominant and I can’t get a word in. My grandmother is the same way and she will talk for hours if you let her. I just can’t handle it so I usually don’t call her that often- I let her call me for the most part and yeah I get the “I haven’t heard from you in awhile” when I just talked to her the week before.
So I get your FI’s side and I don’t find it WRONG. Plus the phone goes both ways; if the mom wants to talk to him more, she can pick up the phone but that doesn’t mean he must pick it up either. It shouldn’t be all on him. I’m big on space and pressing the ignore button on the phone if you just aren’t up for it.
If she’s saying she won’t come to the wedding because of the lack of time they spend on the phone is just petty. “Sorry you won’t be able to make it. You’ll be missed.” Call her bluff.
If he doesn’t want a relationship with her, I feel you need to allow him that choice and support it.
Post # 7
The best advice I can give, is just for you to take a backseat to it, its difficult, but you don’t want your relationship to suffer b/c you are arguing about him not having a close enough relationship with his parents.
My FI & his parents are NOT close, which stems from his childhood, he always felt left out & thinks that his parents truely don’t love him. Now, when he would vent about his parents and I put in my two cents (I don’t get along with his parents either so you can imagine my input) he would become defensive. He says he has “abused puppy syndrome” where he keeps going back for love from his parents, although they are very cold towards him. Because I felt that we were getting into tiffs regarding his relationship with his parents, I decided to simply be supportive, let him vent, and just let him know that I love him.
Our FI’s relationships with their parents “is what it is” and sometimes getting into the middle of things can cause a strain on you & on him. Although we would like to see our guys have a better realtionship (because like you I am very close with my family) our guys have had this “relationship” with their parents for years & it will be hard & stressfull on us to try to change it.
Post # 8
Yea, I agree with pps. Its not really your business in this situation. Maybe you fiance doesn’t want that close of a relationship with them for reasons extending far back. Maybe he hates calling because they harrass him about how often he does call.
I know I won’t answer my phone to talk to my mom as much when she decides she needs to call me everyday. I have my own life and she is a part of it, but too much. Its suffocating. On the other side, when my dad and I were still getting along we wouldn’t talk for weeks at a time and things were just fine. Everybody is different.
Post # 9
I would just stay out of it. I’m in a similar situation. I live about 2 hours from my parents, talk to my mom every single day on the phone, and see them usually about once/month. My guy’s dad/step mom live about 3 hours away and he calls them only on holidays/birthdays. He doesn’t return phone calls, rarely returns emails. He just doesn’t like them and doesn’t really want to be a part of their life. His mom lives about 10 hours away and although he likes her, he only talks to her maybe 4 times/year and sees her once a year at most.
It does bother me that he doesn’t value his family like I value mine. But, he really likes my family and never shirks away from hanging out with them. So I figure as long as he isn’t interfering in my relationship with my family, I’ll let him figure out his own with his.
Post # 10
My SO never talks to his family either. They’re 13 hours away and he barely even tells them when we’re coming up! It’s so weird considering I talk to my mom for like an hour a day. But then again, she’s really the only one I talk to. I talk to my dad like once a month and any other relatives when I see them. (Which is like once every other month, a lot more than he sees his relatives)
He started putting dates of birthdays and other important events on the calendar, so when I see a birthday coming up, of like a sister or cousin, I go out and buy a card and nag him until he sends it. I don’t know if they know it’s me or if they’re surprised/happy or anything, but it makes me feel better that he actually acknowledges their important days, you know?
He didn’t call on Mothers day or Fathers day or send cards or anything but he did send a card for his dad’s birthday, so things are getting better!
I would try to get him to send emails rather than phone calls. You can always sound upbeat and cheery 🙂 in an email! Even if you don’t feel all that cheery. And if his mother sends back a nasty naggy email, he doesn’t have to read it. He can just click delete and move on.