Post # 1
Hello there….. I’m new to this website and this is my 1st post…..
I’m a born and bred UK bride, getting married in my home village next year to my wonderful man. We met here 2 years ago – but he is originally form Bermuda… And although Bermuda is a UK Overseas Territory, it seems lots of culture and customs are very US based…. I’m hoping you ladies can advise my on my dilemma re the bridesmaid situation. I would like to have just my best friend and my little god-daughter as my bridesmaids… However the fiancé’s sister seems to believe that she should be a bridesmaid too. I have a few US wedding magazines and a few of them say that it is normal for the grooms sister to be a bridesmaid. The thing is she still lives in Bermuda – and although we get on OK – she isn’t someone that I would choose for myself. She is 25 but behaving like a spoilt child… She came to visit not long after we got engaged and nothing was mentioned then but since she returned we have had his mother asking what’s happening with the BM situation… As she hadn’t been asked I thought that it was pretty obvious she wasn’t going to be one…. But I wanted to clarify things so I rang her a couple of nights ago to let her know what I was thinking – that I just wanted my 2 bridesmaids. I can’t actually afford to pay for another dress for her – and there won’t be room for her to stay at my mums’ the night before. She seemed OK about it on the phone.. Said she understood etc… But I have since heard that she has been telling various people that she isn’t now a part of the bridal party and how she has been left out.. And now I am feeling really guilty. My fiancé has said that I should do what I want to do – it’s our day – but I just don’t know if it’s worth the guilt I am feeling – or the grief I will get from her mother…. (she is the mum’s little Princess…) Should I go back and say that she can be a BM and have a harmonious relationship with my future in-laws – or should I stick my my plan??? Any advice gratefully received! Thanks x
Post # 3
- Wedding: June 2018 - Holy Family Catholic Church, reception: National Infantry Museum
I included my fiance’s two sisters, but it was a logistical thing, I hadn’t planned on it originally. It’s perfectly ok if she doesn’t stand up next to you. Do what you are happy with, it’s your day!
Post # 4
IMHO I think if your fiance is not insiting she be in the wedding party then there is no reason to include her. Yes, I think in the US it is very common to have the FI’s sister as a member of your wedding party. In my case it was important to my FI that she be part of the wedding, so she is….urg… In your situation I’d say its okay to keep it as is and not include her.
Post # 5
Typically, I think it’s a good idea to have the FI’s sister. If people are going to be hurt, I don’t think it’s worth damaging relationships. Of course, if they are living in another country, maybe you won’t really see them much.
I think it’s OK to leave off the sister, if she’s a lot older, if there are several and can’t have them all, or if she’s going to be trouble. I don’t know where she stands as spoiled brat. Is it just an annoyance or is she going to be really difficult?
She had previously made mention of being a BM. You must have had the thought that she would have been disappointed, even if she sounded cool on the phone. I actually think it was nice that she didn’t try to create drama when you told her. That sounds like something sane and mature people would do. (But it’s understandable that she feels disappointed about it.) You already told her she wasn’t going to be a BM. So how would you back track now? She might still like being a BM and take you up on the offer, but she will know you ultimately don’t want her to be in the wedding.
Post # 6
It is common in America to include siblings as attendants. However, it’s awfully presumptuous to just ASSUME you’ll be included as a sibling. That being said, I didn’t include my FI’s sister (she’s older, we aren’t that close, i already had 6 friends as attendants) and he decided to include her on his side after he found out she was “bummed” about not being in the bridal party. So she DID get included, just not on my side. Can’t she stand on your FI’s side? My SIl wore a black dress with matching sash to my bridesmaid dresses.
You are never obligated to include anyone, though. If you don’t want to include her, cool, just give her a nice honorary job like some readings and stuff. And, Tanya made a good point that you already mentioned it to her. I’d leave it at that. If she’s going to go excessively bad-mouthing around, well, that shows no class on her part. And if she really is just a ridiculous brat, that’s drama you’re just making sure you don’t have to deal with!
Stick to your plan (plus your FI says it’s ok; he could always call and tell his family to chill out if you catch grief) and give her some other tasks.
Post # 7
The way you describe the situation I wonder if it was your FMIL who gave her daughter the impression she would (or should) be picked, and that’s why she is so disappointed? Maybe she really does understand the situation and this is getting blown out by FMIL?
Either way, I agree with above posters. It stinks that you’re in the position to be disappointing the girl, but it’s your day and your FI isn’t pushing for her to be a BM, so don’t change your lineup. And since it’s his family he should really be the one to mend the situation, not you, IMHO.
I would definitely try to include her in another way, though. Maybe she would like to do a reading during the ceremony?
Post # 8
It’s totally up to you! If you don’t have her in your wedding party you can have her play a role in the ceremony (reading or something like that). I think that she just wants to be a part of the party and is not really interested in standing up for your marriage and that is why she is not a BM!
Post # 9
It is common to include siblings but you arent obligated to do so. Just think carefully about it, if it will create some bad tension between everyone I might just ask anyways. Its your decision though so if you know what you want and that doesnt include her then you dont need to. Do you have any brothers that your FI would include as groomsmen? PS welcome to weddingbee!
Post # 10
I say it’s completely up to you. My brother just got married and his wife asked me to be in her wedding. However, I got engaged shortly after she did and will get married 6 months after their wedding and I’m not asking her to be in my wedding. I love the girl, but I just want my closest girlfriends up there with me. Do what you want – it’s your wedding 🙂
Post # 11
I think its totally up to you and ok for her not to be a bridesmaid. If you include all other siblings except her, then I think it could border on mean, but it doesn’t sound like you’re doing that 🙂
Post # 12
I think it’s completely up to you as well. My husband had my two brothers as groomsmen, but because he was very good friends with my older brother first, and became good friends with my younger brother as a result of us getting married. They’re like the 3 amigos! But, I’ve also had friends who are not having their significant others’ siblings in the wedding. It’s your wedding and your choice.
I’m not sure what type of ceremony you’re having or if you’re doing any readings, but perhaps you can include her in that way?
Post # 13
Thank you so muck for all the advice ladies…. I’m having palpitations every time I think about it….I’m just so scared that her mum will hold it against me…. but I think I’ve burnt the bridge with going back on my decision now….
I forgot to say that we are actually going to be having 2 “weddings” – the official one in the UK in March – and then we are flying out Bermuda in May for a 2nd blessing and party out there… and I have asked if the SIL will be my “right hand woman” out there…. (I don’t think my best friend is going to be able to afford to fly over) and she said she’d be happy to do that… I guess she is still a bit peeved though – I’ll have to think of another role for her…
eysj48 – I liked your suggestion of her wearing a dress with a matching sash – may suggest that….
I did think about the reading idea – it’s something I’d like my only brother to do too.
I’m discovering that there is quite a lot of difference between the UK and US marriage ceremonies…. we don’t have groomsmen here – just a best man and ushers… so I don’t know all this stuff about them standing up there with the groom…. here it is just the bestman who stands with the groom – and the bridesmaids sit down after they have walked down the aisle normally….
I guess we’ll have to try and have a mixture of both cultures – I really like the US way of the parents being walked down the aisle to their seats for example….
I’m sure I’ll figure it – but it’s stressing me out right now!
Post # 14
In my opinion, you should have the people that are closest to you be in your wedding party. It doesnt sound like you and FSIL are very close so you shouldn’t have to include her. On that note this is coming from someone who got guilt tripped into including my future sister in law. My fiance’s sister was MOH because we are very close, but I was not planning to include his brother’s wife. We aren’t as close, they live halfway across the country, and don’t really have the “means” to afford being in a wedding. However, his parents kept asking us to include her, and when my fiance asked his brother to be best man, she assumed that she was going to be a bridesmaid. So we felt gulity and asked her to be a bridesmaid.
I knwo these are very different circumstances though. Since you already explained to her that she was not in the wedding party, I think it might create more problems (not to mention set a dangerous precedent) if you gave in to her, and FMIL now.
Best of luck! I understand what a difficult situation it is!
Post # 15
I am having my FSIL as a bridesmaid but she got married a few months ago and didn’t ask me to be one of her bridesmaids. I was a little insulted, seeing as I had gotten engaged before her (though getting married 4 months after) and had already asked her to be my b-maid but, to be honest, by not asking me she saved me a ton of money so I didn’t take it too hard 😉 Anyway, my fiance was a groomsman so to keep me occupied during the wedding day while he was busy with groomsman duties, FSIL asked me to be her personal attendant. I thought this was a total -ahem- BS job but I put myself to work on the day of… helped bride get dressed, helped bmaids do their hair and makeup, etc.. This might be a good job for your FSIL if you want to include her but not as a bmaid. Good luck!!!