- 3 years ago
Ok, so… I feel in a bit of a pickle.
When I got engaged to my fiancé I asked his little sis if she would be a bridesmaid since she’s his only sister. This was mostly out of courtesy to his family because otherwise I wouldn’t have picked her. Around the eight month mark I put feelers out asking what the girls liked for their dresses. They liked summery dresses- strapless, one-shoulder, etc. His sis never gave an input… Just said she didn’t want it to be expensive. I know a lot of brides have their own opinions on whether the dresses should match or not, but personally I have always wanted matching bridesmaid dresses. Because of this I started looking at the dresses very early on in order for us to all pretty much agree on style, price point, whatever. Above all I wanted to find a dress that fit a lot of body types (I honestly think most brides do!!), especially for FSIL and another of my girls who are bigger boned. I made a special effort to consider their preferences. FSIL and I went together to try dresses. I thought she looked very nice in all the ones I suggested; she said she liked them, but at that point I wasn’t fully decided on the exact one yet. She didn’t say she felt uncomfortable in any of the styles or anything either. My other BM is bigger than my FSIL, and so I was the most focused on her being comfortable, especially when she spoke up about dresses she did NOT like. I ended up choosing a strapless dress with her that I really liked and even though she wasn’t crazy about the strapless part she said she loved it otherwise because it still fit well and would wear a shawl with it after the ceremony and pictures- totally cool with me! Good compromise I thought. This whole time I was not thinking about FSIL since she never had anything negative to say the ENTIRE time. The dress we ended up choosing was one FSIL didnt try on before, but pretty similar. I let them all know at the 7 month mark to order at the 4 month mark… so the beginning of this month! And this is where it gets, um… interesting.
My FMIL informed me she would be purchasing her daughter’s BM dress while she was home for break. After they went to try it on I received a call from FMIL where she, and the sales lady, said FSIL was too “top-heavy” to wear the particular dress I chose. She, and the sales lady, said she should have straps added, but wasn’t sure they’d work, and really they all wanted to have the dress be changed. She had already texted me pictures of the dress she wanted. I told her that I had already gotten everyone on board with the dress I chose and that the other girls were already putting in their orders. I said I understood that her daughter felt uncomfortable and that I was sorry she felt that way, even when I had put in extra consideration for her body type, blah blah blah. She said that her daughter really hoped I would change the dress, but understood if I didn’t… And although she didn’t want to, she would step down as a BM for her brother’s wedding if she had to. She asked if I would consider straps on just her daughter’s dress, and I said that I had really wanted the girls to match, and that for whatever reason, it’s important to me to have matching bridesmaids. She kept saying, “well let me know what you decide” over and over. I hung up the phone and I was really pissed. My fiancé asked what was up, so I told him. He was not happy with his mom. I decided I wasn’t going to call FMIL back about this since she is not the BM, her daughter is. I did not know till after, that the next day my fiancé went and had some words with her about asking me to change the dress, so she really hasn’t spoken to me about it since he talked to her. I contacted FSIL and asked her about the dress. She said it wouldn’t stay up (how that indicates top-heaviness?… Idk.) I told her that the store would be able to alter it to fit her by taking it in. I also told her I wasn’t going to change the dress this late in the game and that if she wasn’t comfortable that I wished she had come to me earlier. I said that my fiancé and I were bummed that she didn’t want to be in the wedding if she couldn’t get the dress to work and that I felt bad about all this. She said her mom said that, not her, that she really wanted to be in it, and that the alterations would be fine. I told her that I just wanted the dress for the ceremony and pictures and that afterwards she could change into jeans and a tee shirt for all I cared.
I heard back from her the next day saying she talked to her mom again who said the alterations wouldn’t work, and only the straps would work for her, yet she really liked the dress. I was very confused as to why alterations weren’t good and what could be done about it, and also why FSIL’s body type was so unusual that straps or another dress was “necessary” (Hahaha! Right?!) so I went to the dress shop and talked to the manager. She informed me that yes, the alterations would work and that there really was no problem with the dress since she remembered them coming in and seeing it for herself. In the notes the store took though, I guess it said FSIL felt uncomrtable and didn’t like the dress. So I went back and told her what I knew, and again apologized for her feeling uncomfortable. Meanwhile, FMIL told us she had ordered the entire collection of fine china we picked out on our registry for our wedding gift… Four months early?! Right in the middle of all this?? Seemed like a calculated move IMO… Shortly after this, my MOH calls me saying she was at the shop to order her dress and they insisted on giving her a dress that wasn’t the one I had told them to order. She asked if I changed my mind without telling them. I obviously did not, and straightened it out, but apparently FMIL informed the shop “I was changing my mind”. WTF. K, so now I’m very pissed with all this happening at once. I calmed down a day or so, then asked the shop to have the lady who directly spoke with FMIL to call me. She did, said that it was FMIL who kept having the issue with the dress, not FSIL. She didn’t like that it showed some cleavage on her daughter. She didn’t want her daughter to wear it, all this stuff. Tried to tell FMIL that it would actually fit how the dress should with alts. She apologized for the misunderstanding, and suggested that FSIL try the dress with appropriate undergarments as well. I also said to them that I wasn’t going to change the dress (I guess it’s become a battle of the wills at this point), the style or color, nor would I like straps to be added. I also asked them to only allow me to make future changes to the account. FSIL contacted me again to say neither alterations or straps would work and she didn’t know what to do, and asked me to talk to her mom about everything instead of her. I asked her to please try the dress with solid undergarments on, she said she would (she didn’t). I later found out that FMIL went back two times in one week requesting the dress to basically be reconstructed. The sales girl this time, for both times, said it wasn’t allowed and basically had my back about it. Again, she restated to them the importance of a good bra, and also encouraged FSIL to be upfront with me. FMIL asked if she could buy the dress she wanted anyway because she was SURE that I would let FSIL walk down the aisle with her when she gets seated…
So this is where I struggle. By nature and I’m sure nurture also, I’m super non-confrontational. I’m mortified to talk to FMIL. For one, she seems to not listen and to do what she wants regardless. Plus I’m very upset still and I do not want to approach her angrily. I know it’s “just a dress” and I feel conflicted because of that fact. However, in the beginning I really tried to work with FSIL. I wasn’t unreasonable about anything. (If I was, let me know, please!) Any time I see FMIL there’s underlying tension, however she won’t bring it up with me since my fiancé is there, and I’m too chicken to start anything. Sorry… But it’s just where I’m at right now. I also don’t trust FSIL because she hasn’t been straight up with me about any of it, she’s also blamed everything else instead of admit she never liked it…and to be honest I am upset that I took extra time with her to make sure THIS DIDNT HAPPEN and she literally said nothing. I asked her if she would wear the dress several times, she said yes, and yet it’s still an issue. This has gone on long enough and time is almost out to order if she wanted to get alterations. I don’t even want her in it now. My fiancé has two older brothers. One said that when he got married his wife didnt want FSIL in the wedding because they hardly knew each other since she was so much younger. FMIL threatened to not attend if FSIL wasn’t in it… So she was in it. The other brother’s wife, who I love so much and actually regret not having her as a BM, offered to talk to FSIL and to FMIL since she’s been in the family longer and knows them. She’s the same size as me, but she is kind of conservative like FSIL, so when she talked to FSIL she offered to buy her proper undergarments for the BM dress since she went through a similar situation and found having the right bra to help a lot. When she talked to FMIL, she said that because I was so thin I wouldn’t understand why her daughter felt so uncomfortable and that it’s not my fault for not getting it since I never had to experience being bigger. Whaaaat?! K. So yeah, this is where I’m at. I really just want FSIL out. Like…. I am so done haha. But I’m afraid that I’ll become “the bad guy” forever if I just tell FSIL forget it. My fiancé AND his other brothers said they think that’s what would happen too. They know their mom and sis are kind of “interesting” like this. My fiancé says he doesn’t want her in it either, and I feel bad for all this and that now he’s annoyed with her too. Seriously what should I do? If/ when I talk to them, what should I say? They’re going to blame me for sure, and I really dont want to cause a bigger family issue than I suppose this already has become. My other girls have now all ordered their dresses. I honestly do not believe I should feel bad for what I want in my own wedding. Help!!! What do I say and how should I approach this?! Any tips on how I can grow some balls? Lollll… Jk, but not really…