Fiance'ss Ex shows up to Grandfathers funeral

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

After 12 years? I think that is really bizarre. Especially if she didn’t keep in contact with his family and they weren’t talking to her. Super awkward!

Post # 4
Member
7206 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MIbee2013:  Inappropriate of her. In my opinion, funerals are for the sake of the living. So when deciding whether or not to attend, a person should take account of the bereaved person’s feelings. Since your FI didn’t want her there, she should have stayed away. My dad (divorced from my mother) didn’t attend my mother’s mother’s funeral for that very reason – sure his exMIL was an important part of his life, but it was more important to stay away for the sake of his ex (my mother).

Post # 5
Member
1343 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@MIbee2013:  I think it’s weird… I mean, after the funeral she shouldn’t have any more reasons to just “stop by” so hopefully she will just go away on her on. Sounds super awkward. My FH has an ex that he barely dated before me, like maybe a month? Anyways, she was kind of the same way. It ended badly with her trying to control him not seeing his childhood friends…yet she would message him asking for him to help her move and stuff… just weird. I would have HIM nip it in the bud if it continues. 

Post # 6
Member
2111 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@MIbee2013:  If she wanted to pay her respects, I don’t see what’s wrong with that. Had she not met him before? That’s the only reason I can see for her presence being strange. If something happened between FI and I and I found out one of his grandparents passed, regardless of the amount of time between, you can bet I’d be there. Breaking up with FI wouldn’t change my feelings towards his family.

Post # 7
Member
42510 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Maybe she was raised to pay her respects to the deceased and the family. I went to my ex’s sister’s and Dad’s funerals. They were part of my life for many years.

Post # 8
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I have mixed feelings on this.

Funerals are “funny” things in many times people don’t have a clue on what they should or shouldn’t do

YES they are for the living relatives (as a way for them to find condolence)… You did say she has friends elsewhere in the extended family

BUT they also are an event held to remember the dead… be that for religious reasons (pray for them) or other…

And in that essence, they therefore tend to also attract people who come to pay their last respects because the person meant a lot to them

Doesn’t matter what others think about the person paying the respects.

The thing is the deceased meant something to the person who lives on…

Which is also why we have celebration of life services or gatherings as well… because the person who died was awesome

So it is yes awkward for you and your Fiance.

BUT after 12 years, I’d think that both you and him are past this woman already (or should be… the whole cheating reference here in light of a funeral seems weird to me)

So IMO there is no reason to judge what she did at the House, Wake or Funeral

BUT you do get my permission to judge her motives if she’s still hovering around a week from now around your BF / Fiance and not just with the friends she has in the family.

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 9
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Mmmm seems fishy. I would think she is up to something. Only way I would think it was ok us if she was still close to the family or even grandpa. If not she is up to something or there is somethig you don’t know about. 

Post # 10
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2013

And when I say close I mean she goes to birthday parties, baby showers or 4th of July BBQ not just FB friends. 

Post # 11
Member
312 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Meh. I feel people are allowed to pay their respects for anyone that was once apart of their life. If she knew him, then she’s allowed to be there by all means. My dad went to my mom’s dad’s funeral, even thought they had been divorced for a number of years and were both with different people. None of us had a problem with that, because he knew my papa, and it was his way of being respectful towards a man he knew.

I don’t think any one has any right to ask someone not to come to someone else’s funeral. Death is a weird thing, even if people are distant from the person who dies.

 

Post # 12
Member
4819 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@julies1949:  this, if my ex’s mom passed away I would attend… she was a big part of my life- regardless of how, and when the relationship ended.

Post # 16
Member
7206 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@vmec:  As I said above, not what I would recommend (unless you’re on good terms with your ex) and not what my father did.

Even if we grant that it was ok for her to quietly attend the funeral, it was inappropriate to attend the viewing. And grossly inappropiate to show up at his house the day he passed away.

Still, some people grieve in funny ways. If she disappears after this, no harm done.

BTW people shouldn’t have been posting his death on facebook the same day either. (As an aside I’ve seen crazy inappropriate stuff there – like updates of a fatal car crash minutes after it happened, before relatives could possibly have known).

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