Fight before the wedding day- this might lead to calling it off

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What should I do
    Sleep at a hotel for a night or 2 until my head is cleared up : (7 votes)
    11 %
    Go home and initiate a conversation : (37 votes)
    56 %
    Go home and not talking to him until he appologizes : (0 votes)
    Why are you marrying him? : (18 votes)
    27 %
    Other- please advise : (4 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 3
    2042 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    @goldfish2308:  He needs to realize that marriage is about compromise.  If he “cant” find a tour guide that speaks both languages then you do it. 

    Post # 4
    11598 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I think he’s dealing with a stressful situation very poorly, and I think you have making it worse.  While you have a legitimate concern, staying out until 1AM, not speaking to him, AND not going home tonight are all childish responses. 

    If he’s controlling and you’re unhappy, then maybe consider postponing or cancelling the wedding.  If you don’t know that this is the right call, then you both have some serious soul-searching to do.  My outside opinion is that something is not right in the relationship right now, but only you two can figure out if that’s because of the wedding planning, or a deeper issue that’s brewing under the surface.

    Post # 5
    1470 posts
    Bumble bee

    I don’t really have any real advice…but I voted for take some time and clear your head. Write some lists…pros and cons, reasons why you love him, your hesitations, how much negativity is tied to the wedding, etc. It might help!

    Post # 6
    9412 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    @goldfish2308:  I am looking past the superficial issue here. You are not fighting about wedding planning, you are fighting because he is being inconsiderate and you don’t feel valued or appreciated. If tour guides don’t have anything of value to say anyway, then why does he care what language they are speaking in? He is purposely being antagonistic towards you and it seems he has lost sight of the reason why everyone is coming to see you guys – you’re getting married! That means you come first and he treats you with respect.

    Communication is one of the foundations for a relationship and it needs to be effective in order for the relationship to stand the tests of times. You will face a lot more important issues as a couple other than booking a tour. If you aren’t able to navigate through these small issues, how will you handle any large ones? He also wasn’t concerned about you being gone and just went to sleep – I find it hard to believe a man wouldn’t want to check on his partner to make sure that she is okay if nothing else.

    I am not saying don’t marry him. I am saying make sure he treats you with the respect you deserve and communicates with you in a way that is not offensive and is, in fact, productive.  

    Post # 7
    1888 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    @goldfish2308:  Realize that when a guy says they can’t do something over half the time they mean “I just don’t want to”.  Take a few days to clear your head, your response of running away and his passive running away will be big problems if you don’t get them sorted out.  A large part of marriage is learning how to deal with the stuff you’d rather run away from.  This might also be the place to seek couseling (not long just one or two sessions),  you could talk to a pastor or non-religious counselor, but you can’t just pretend the problem exists.

    Post # 8
    534 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    I think there’s a bit of Mars/Venus thing happening here.  You’re telling your fiance that you’d like a tour guide who speaks a language your family can understand – totally reasonable, btw – but he’s hearing, “You really screwed up when you booked this tour and that was dumb and wrong and bad of you.”

    Did he react well?  Hell no.  He acted like a jerk.  But wedding planning is a stressful time that can bring out the worst in people.

    My question for you is…does he frequently overreact to things?  Does he generally dismiss your opinion?  Does he often times tell you that you’re on your own if you don’t like his plan?  If this is common behavior, you are right to run.  If this is not something that happens often, I think you need to sit down and talk to him about how you feel.  I believe his response will be very telling.

    Post # 9
    2395 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    A tour where you can’t understand a word of what’s being said?  That sounds fun.  Is he always this inconsiderate of your family?


    Post # 10
    2687 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2015 - Ketchum, ID

    @goldfish2308:  I voted for “why are you marrying him?” I really have nothing nice or constructive to say, so I won’t say much. All I’m going to say is… I’d never date someone who treated me like that, let alone marry them. There is more to a marriage than having fun and goofing around with them. If you can’t agree on something that’s supposed to be fun like a vacation, how are you going to agree on anything that’s important?


    Post # 11
    8 posts

    @goldfish2308:  I agree with sailor_girl. His reaction wasn’t about your suggestion. It was about your suggestion -> his interpretation based on assumptions, sensitive issues, or the way he read your tone/expression -> his resulting feelings. A lot can happen in the split second it takes to respond to someone. And before you know it, both of you are reacting to what you thought the other person meant… It’s dangerous and the only way out of it is to talk and find out what really triggered him. Next time, hopefully you can both react in a way that doesn’t cause more hurt and fear. <3

    Post # 13
    9019 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @abbie017:  +1.  Perfectly said.

    Post # 14
    1468 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    Well I can’t imagine the stress of this wedding.  It sounds like you all and his family all live in China and your family is coming over.  Planning a wedding alone is bad enough but when you’re having your family fly in from another country it just increases the stress level exponentially.

    Neither of you is really free of any guilt in this situation.  He needs to calm down and be more understanding of you and your family and you need to not stay out till the wee hours of the morning or avoid going home.  You’re just perpetuating the situation.  You need to sit down and talk it out like adults.  If you can’t do that then he, you, or both of you aren’t ready for marriage.

    It ain’t always fun…you give, you take, you bite your tongue, you talk about things that aren’t enjoyable.  It’s a part of marriage.  If you can’t do it now then you need to work on it before you take the next step. 

    Don’t let you emotions rule your decision now.  You have a couple months.  Work on it now.

    Post # 16
    534 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    @goldfish2308:  It sounds like your fiance does not handle stress very well.  

    Also, you said in your original post, “[W]hen it comes to major things, he makes sure that he has his way and my opinion is often claimed as stupid.”  

    So you’ve got a guy who flies off the handle over minor inconveniences, demands to have his own way, and tells you that your opinions are stupid.  Those are some serious red flags.  

    The tone of your posts make it sound to me like you’re ready to break off the engagement.  I can’t tell you one way or another what to do, except to say that I see some red flags from both of you (his temper/attitude, your staying out to 1 AM/talking about how it doesn’t matter if you come home or not) and that taking some time to talk and sort things out is probably a good idea.

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