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I completely understand how you are feeling. I think you should go to your sister's dinner and let your husband go to his aunt's party. Your sister is going through a rough patch and you should be there for her.
:( I'm so sorry your hubs isn't seeing eye to eye on this! I think your compromise sounds great, and as a woman, I agree that this will mean a LOT to your sister! She supported you up and down the creek it sounds like, and deserves some lovin' in return.
Hopefully your man will bend :/
I needed to hear that. I was starting to actually believe I was being unreasonable.
Are they literally at the exact same time? I mean, a 50 year-old person would likely have something earlier, and your sister, being 31, may want something later. Double-duty holidays started last year for us. It was tiring, but it was all we could do - two Thanksgivings, two Christmases and two Easters. Yikes!
I get how you feel. I agree with texasmeredith. While his family is important to you also, your sister deserves your support right now. She'll appreciate it so much. I would go out with my sister. I hope your fiance understands.
They will be at the same time. His family is going out to dinner. My sister and my parents will be going out to dinner. No crazy, late night parties on either end. But Jelly, we do doulble duty holidays. Our families are geographically close. And his family tends to do things later in the day.
Girl, go with your sister, then. He can hang with his aunt solo that night. She's been great for you this whole time. It's going to really perk her up to have you there for her. I definitely agree with you on this one.
Daniel B. Wile, After the Fight: http://www.amazon.com/After-Fight-Disagreements-Stronger-Relationship/dp/1572300264
very, very useful in getting beyond the fighting to figuring out what to do.
I'm sorry that this is causing you so much pain.
We actually were ok last night. We didn't fall asleep angry. We didn't really resolve anything, but we got into bed and started kicking each other under the covers until we were laughing. I am still upset this morning, but I sure do love him regardless.
I think you should celebrate your sister's birthday with her and he should go to his Aunt's party. It's not a big deal to seperate every once in a while! I also totally understand that you really want to be there for your sister right now.
Oh, and since he is Jewish and I am Christian we only have one holiday to share. We alternate Thanksgivings every year. It's really important to be to do this because my brothers don't split up holidays evenly between my parents and their in-laws and it's really not right.
Go with your sister, she needs you. She was there for you, now its your turn to be there for her. I agree with you and the other bees. He will have to understand or let it go. I think everything will be ok. A night away from each other, always does some good. Just take a breather and be there for your sister. :)
Maybe after the initial disagreement and once he's had some time to think and reflect he might be more likely to come around. From the sounds of it your sister totally deserves this - and I'm guessing he'll come around to understand that.
We don't have this issue because it's all *his* family since mine live far away, BUT you can't start ranking importance of relationships or it causes problems in regards to priority: aunt vs sister, 50 vs 31, etc.
I think splitting up is fair. I'd do the same thing and it's no big deal IMO. Sometimes I make dates with my girlfriends, then dinner pops up with his mom and/or gparents, and I'm just like "oh i already made plans"...it happens!
It totally sounds like your sister deserves this! Maybe part of his reluctance is that you're just married and he wants the big family functions to be about the two of you attending as a unit?
I think going to your seperate dinners is the best bet though.
I agree that you're being totally cool about it and splitting up for the night is completely reasonable. He needs to understand that both families are equally important. You would never have suggested to him that you skip his aunt's party and take her out separately, so that should not be his option to you. Hopefully he can understand this in time.
Your sister is lucky to have such a great friend in you!
That's exactly what it is, Miss Sapphire. His exact words were, "But you're my wife! I want to go to stuff together!"
Which I totally understand.
As you continue to talk with your hubby about this - perhaps you can ask him why it's so important for you to be at this particular event. Perhaps there is some underlying issue there (like judgment of the marriage, if he's alone).
I think your idea to go to each even solo is a fantastic one. It's obvious you want to be there for your sister and it's great you are choosing to do this. Tell your hubby that you understand why he'd want you to go and celebrate his aunt, but your sister is also important and it's not about picking sides. It's unfortunate that the dates coincide, but it's something you cannot do together.
I can't help but keep thinking there is something else going on with hubby which is why he's making it a big deal. It also may be an unspoken expectation he had in his mind that you would be a pair at all events. Assure him that you want him by your side, but in this one case, you'll have to split up.
You are not being unreasonable or without compromise. Without compromise would be demanding he go with you to your sister's party ;)
Good luck!!
Go out with ur sister ! and yeah tell him to go to his Aunts , i'm sure if he explains to his family that your sister is coming down to celebrate her b-day then they would understand , espec if he adds that u also wanted to thank your sister for all the hard work she did in helping with the wedding .. :)
Definitely go out with your sister! The mister will have to get over it! Is there any way you guys can do both? If not - then you should probably just split up for the evening - it's not a huge deal if you go separate ways one night - and both of these things are important to you. Maybe let his aunt and family know the situation ... I'm sure they'll understand (I can't imagine a reasonable person not getting it).
YOur compromise is totally acceptable. Sure it would be ideal to go to stuff together. This isn't going to happen this time. You need to be with your sister. He wants to go to his aunt's party. OK. Is it possible the aunt's big party will last longer, and you can catch the tail end of it? Or is it possible to just go for the first hour, and try to get your sister's dinner delayed by an hour?
Your compromise is totally acceptable-- but I agree with Tanya. I think maybe it would work for him if you were able to take your sister with you to the other party for coffee after or something like that; if it's a big party, it'll probably last longer than your family dinner, and she's family too now, it probably wouldn't be a big deal for her to come too.
i too would do the sister thing over the family thing - sometimes you just have to make these decisions or/and go seperately
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How do you handle overlapping family functions? We had a fight last night.
My sister's 31st birthday is next month. Some background - She doesn't live far away, but often when she comes home, she will spend the night with my parents since it is easier. These past few months have been all about me with the wedding and my new house. She has come home almost every weekend to help me with stuff or do something wedding related. For her birthday she is coming home for herself and suggested we go out to dinner with my parents on Saturday (her birthday is Sunday and she is going to a football game with our father). My sister has been really unhappy lately. She is miserable at work and I think she is a little lonely. Nonetheless, she was all smiles for the wedding and the biggest support I had. I am happy that I can at least show up for her birthday.
Turns out husband's family is having a birthday party for his Aunt's 50th that same night. I told him that just this once we might have to split up because I really want to be there for my sister right now and I know he needs to go to his aunt's party. Any other year would be different, but because of the circumstances, I feel like rescheduling my sister on my terms would not be the sisterly thing to do. Frankly, it crushes me and I was in tears last night just thinking about it.
He suggested that we just take my sister out another night for a really spectacular dinner or something because he wants to go to his aunt's thing together, since we wouldn't be going out with my sister on her birthday anyway. I explained that this wasn't about spending money on her or doing something grand. It is about her saying that she is coming home, and me just being there as she has been for me (and frankly for him too). He doesn't get it and thinks I am being unfair and unwilling to compromise (my compromise was that we each go to our own family's thing). He also thinks that because it is his aunt's 50th, it is a bigger deal than my sister's birthday (which sort of annoys me because it isn't about the importance of the birthday but rather just showing up for my sis). He also said that his aunt is "like a sister" to him, which really pisses me off. I mean, come on! I know you love your aunt, but that is not the same relationship! Besides, his lucky aunt will have a wonderful party with tons of guests whereas my sister will end up going out to dinner alone with just my parents. I really want to be there for her!
He isn't bending on this at all and I am crushed. I don't think he is hearing anything I am saying.
How do you deal with conflicting family functions. Do you ever go your separate ways?