Ok, so my fiance and I went to dinner tonight, where we each had a big beer. We mentioned opening a bottle of wine at home but we got distracted and I forgot all about it, until he opens it and asks if I want any. I got upset because we drank during dinner, and he's drank every night since Wed night, and I know he's also gonna be drinking Sat & Sun. I tell him I think he's drinking too frequently, as he usually drinks 4-5 times x week, and he mentions he doesn't see a problem with it, as he's cut down a lot compared to how he drank before.
I started telling him how I felt, annoyed but not screaming or anything, and he's like well then rethink our engagement then, plus I think about your weight all the time, and that's something that can affect us later. This is where the shit hit the fan, I agree my weight is a problem (5ft, 190lbs), but I don't think it compares to his drinking, my weight is a self-esteem issue and he knows it bugs me, his drinking isn't. I agree that my weight could cause problems in the future, but I really got offended over his comments. He stormed out of the room and is in the fam. room, I don't even wanna talk to him. Do you agree he drinks too much (4-5 times a week, 2-3 beers every time minimum)? Am I overreacting? Is his response fair? I feel like I need another opinion, as I'm too angry right now to be rational. Thanks!
He definitely shouldn't have brought your weight into it. That was very insensitive. That being said, he may be defensive about his drinking. You may need to approach the topic delicately with him so he can understand that you're concerned about him. It would be best to do this at a neutral time, rather than laying into him while he's already drinking. However, I'm not sure that 2-3 beers 4-5x/week is a huge amount. Does he get drunk/tipsy? or does he do it more to relax or loosen up?
@VAwife: I must admit, I'm not sure its that much either... But my father was an alcoholic and he knows this, so I think he should be more sensitive to my concerns. Ugh and now he comes in like nothing happens... He just called me fat!!! lol
Wow, how unfair and hurtful to bring up your weight like that. You weren't attacking him on a physically level you were just looking out for him with regards to drinking. If he isn't getting drunk 5 times a week, I think he is fine, some people like to have a couple drinks to un-wind relax. If he was getting hammered drunk every night different story. So sorry he was so hurtful. I wouldn't talk to him either right now!
maybe he's worried about your weight in regards to your health. I mean 190 lbs at 5' is fairly unhealthy?? obviously he still loves you, and he even tried to make it less hurtful by saying it "could" effect you guys in "the future". which means he's more worried about potential weight gain, rather than out-right saying you're fat. fairly diplomatic.
however much it was a low-blow, he does have a point. he's probably just as defensive about his drinking problem as you are about your weight. why does he drink? why do you over-eat (or maybe you have thyroid problems, sorry if I misjudged)? etc. both are unhealthy, perhaps equally so. I think you guys can work on it together. it's too bad he brought it up as a counter-point because it's a terrible argument for his drinking (unless he drinks because he's worried you're gonna be fatter... lol), but it IS a valid point.
I think this is a case of "people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones." When faces with accusatory or negative comments, people WILL get defensive and say hurtful things in retaliation. It's not right, but it's human nature to do so.
I won't comment about whether I think you were overreacting because the "right amount" of drinking is subjective. I will say, however, that you may want to reconsider how you confront him about these issues. It's clear that he felt you overstepped a boundary, and you feel that you did not.
My suggestion: apologize for being a little controlling, and tell him that as his partner in life, you would like to start your journey AS A COUPLE to lead healthier lifestyles. When it comes to choices that affect health, hopefully both of you can agree to stay positive so that the journey is a happy one.
@Imean: I'm going to have to agree with patchy on this one both of your problems are detrimental to your health an your future there is no getting around that. Perhaps instead of arguing about it, perhaps you's can work on your problems together? Like encourage each other , you to lose weight/get healthy and him to find other ways to relax (if that's why he drinks) and not drink so much. If you do it that way it may even strengthen your relationship ^-^
P.S a glass of wine a day like chocolate has been linked to good health. Not to sure how that study was done, but it might be good to look into. Good luck! ^-^
Fighting sucks! Try giving him his space for now (maybe he can sleep on the couch... tee hee) and bringing up your concerns when you have not both been drinking at the end of a long week.
In his defense, I think your overeating/weight is just as "bad" as his heavy drinking/potential alcoholism. His drinking might be connected to some self esteem issue, I don't know. I think you'll both do a lot better in the morning.
What's the difference between having 2 beers/wines 5 x a week, or drinking a couple of glasses of juice/coke etc after work? If he's not drinking to get drunk, or to get a buzz; but it is more because he prefers the taste of a beer than I see no problem with it.
@Imean: Medically it is recommended men drink no more than 14 drinks per week. So his minimum is close to the max recommendation. How much does he drink in an average week if you add it all up? And if he thought bringing up your weight in response was a good idea, he is either way defensive about it, or had had too much to drink at the time of your convo.
Drinking is relative. I don't think he has a problem but if you're not comfortable with it, then he should know that. I would talk to him about it in a non-threatening way when he has not been drinking. Make sure to not approach it in a way that he feels like he's wrong since it's your personal preference.
Have you considered going to Al Anon? His drinking affects you, so it's a logical place to go for support
He drinks 4-5 times per week, 2-3 beers minimum. That's a alot of alcohol.
His cruel comment about your weight was meant to deflect the truth about his drinking and regain control over you by knocking you off balance.
I don't imagine things can permanently get better while there's alcohol in his life. He needs to be medically evaluated. My own personal belief is that counseling won't be very effective until the underlying addiction is being managed.
@Imean: So, it was definitely inappropriate for him to bring your weight into the equation. However, you had previously discussed opening the bottle of wine. I understand tath brought you feelings/ worries/ concerns up- but if you want to approach him about his potential problem, it really was not the right or fair time. So, likely he felt attacked and began attacking. NOT that that makes it okay. I would talk to him about his drinking in a non-threatening way sometime. I would also rethink being with someone who thought that way about my weight, but at the same time, it is possible he does not really mean that and was just lashing out.
I'd like to know why his drinking bothers you? Is it health reasons, does his behaviour change?
Depending on your answer, it may or may not have been ok to bring up your weight. If you don't like him drinking because of health risks, he may have just been pointing out that your weight is a health risk too, in which case he absolutely had the right to say it. You may be offended, and that sucks, but if you're concerned about his health, can't he be concerned about yours? In that case I think he was absolutely justified. You cannot tell someone their lifestyle is unhealthy when yours is not much better and expect them to be ok with that.
If you're concerned because of a behaviour change in him when he drinks, then the two issues aren't comparable and your weight has nothing to do with it (unless you get grumpy when you eat lol). In that case, have you told him why you don't like him drinking, or recommended support groups? I have no problem with a few drinks after work (provided you're not getting shitfaced every day, or having drastic behaviour changes), but if his behaviour when he drinks is impacting you negatively he needs to find a way to stop.
His comment about your weight was just not needed in my opinion. My DH drinks a couple of beers a few times a week too. Sometimes it bothers me but I know he has a stressful job and he use to be a HEAVY drinker before we got together so it could be worse. Also my dad was- is a drinker so it's something I'm use to. Now if your Fi is getting DRUNK that many times a week, I see a problem.
I agree with others that his comment about your weight was out of order, but I think you were being a little unreasonable about his drinking. If he were getting blazing drunk regularly, or drinking every single day, it would be a serious problem but 2-3 beers 4-5 times a week (whilst edging on the male limit) is not that bad and is unlikely to cause serious problems with his health (unless it's causing issues with his behaviour).
I'd apologise for nagging him about drinking, but explain that his comments about your weight were upsetting.
I don't think the weight comment was out of order at all. The wording could have been better, but if it's bothering him that his future wife has put on too much weight, then he has every right to say something. He's entitled to put a focus on the OP's health, because he's going to have to care for her if she gets sick, and he's entitled to talk about her weight with her rather than burying the topic. It doesn't even sound like he did this in retaliation for the OP's comments on his drinking, but rather a "while we're on the subject of things that could hurt our relationship...."
OP I know it hurts, and it's a very personal subject, but you have to get comfortable talking about all of your most personal, private issues with your future husband. And he is the one who is supposed to be the most honest with you, so there's reason to discourage that. But you'll find that these talks get a lot more comfortable once you accept that he's not motivated by hurting you, but rather by trying to help your relationship get stronger.
Okay, so the weight comment was a low blow. I had a similar problem with my DH drinking in the evenings (though not as much as your FI drinks) and he never brought up my weight during the discussion/argument (I'm a little overweight and much heavier than when we met).
However, if you are planning/trying to lose weight, maybe you can broach it as a chance for both of you to work on becoming healthier as a couple. It's completely your decision if you want to lose weight or not, but if you are trying, it could be a good point that if you are working on your health, he should too.
You may not think that talking about his drinking is the same as him talking about your weight, but I can totally see why he's JUST as insulted. What he said was WRONG and it was immature and lashing out, but you are not considering his feelings, at all. You, too, are pointing out a flaw in him. And, I'm sure you didn't say it, but with your past experiences with alcoholics, I'm sure he read the underlying message: You drink too much, you're an alcoholic, it's unhealthy. His response: You're fat, it's unhealthy. It's not right, but I see why he did it.
The discussion of how much he drinks should come up when no one is drinking. If it bothers you to be around that much alcohol, you need to discuss how much is ok.
Personally, if he's not getting drunk, I don't see the problem. I don't drink for personal reasons (except for some wine on Friday evenings with my FI), but everyone I know drinks almost every night.
I think you guys are both wrong here. You need to both apologize. Then you need to tell him what amount of alcohol or how many days a week you ARE comfortable with - or you need to reassess your comfort level (perhaps you're actually OK with that amount, just afraid that it will lead to more and wanted to prevent that from happening? That's kind of what it sounds like to me).
Talk to him about your feelings without placing blame on his actions.
ETA: I actually also agree w/ fishbone. I just think that your SO said it at the wrong time. But he most certainly should be able to say that you've put on some weight and would like you to lose it if he intends on spending the rest of his life with you. Especially if he's in good shape and especially if he's going to be taking care of you when you get sick from weight-related diseases (which are far more prevalent than alcohol-related diseases).
I think it's important to address your weight issue. You say it could be a problem in the future, but I imagine it's already a problem. It is shortening your life TODAY, probably affecting your relationship, and maybe your confidence? It was insensitive for him to bring it up at that point in time, but he does have a point.
As for his drinking, binge drinking for a man is consuming more than 2 units of alcohol at a time. That would be 1.5 oz of hard alcohol, a 12 oz beer, or 5 oz of wine (times two, since he can have two units). If he is drinking 2 units a night, there is no problem. Studies have shown repeatedly that drinking moderate amounts of alcohol actually lengthens your life. http://www.aim-digest.com/gateway/pages/general/articles/Finkel%20Alc%20and%20Health.htm
There are certainly drawbacks to drinking alcohol, but alcohol does stimulate the liver, increase feelings of happiness (in the short term), and causes people to relax and be more social. He is not drinking enough that it would outweight the benefits.
Has your FI's drinking changed much since you got together or is the drinking a new thing? He honestly doesn't drink anymore than my DH and I do so I obviously don't see a problem with the quantity. If he's changed, acting out or not getting to work in time, then I'd agree with you there is a problem. If he's been drinking like this your entire relationship Id be concerned with why you are suddenly trying to change him.
As someone else mentioned I can see where he felt attacked since you'd already agreed to have the wine. I also agree it wasn't the best time for him to bring up your weight. It's never a good idea for serious discussions when people have been drinking.
I think you should take a good look at yourself and make sure you aren't projecting your insecurities on him. You mentioned putting on the weight after you got together, already not feeling good about yourself, etc. What you shared means you are close to morbidly obese. In your shoes I'd try very hard to get myself healthy first.
actually you are wrong. Binge drinking for men is 5 drinks in a 2-3 hour period. Heavy drinking is an average of MORE THAN 2 drinks per day. There are health risks to heavy drinking, but it doesn't equal dependence or alcoholism. http://www.cdc.gov/alcohol/faqs.htm#bingeDrinking
ETA: Thanks @peanuthead
@VAwife: I read that same article. It says "more" than 2 is considered heavy. Up to 2 is moderate.
At first I was thinking maybe you were over-reacting, because I don't think drinking a couple of beers 4-5 times a week is a big deal. Most beer does not have high alcohol content. I drink 4-5 times a week but I only have one small drink at a time. For example I will have wine in a small champagne glass, so it's a tiny serving. Or I will have one shot of Grey Goose with a big glass of cranberry juice and lemon. The alcohol in my drinks is probably equivalent to two bottles of beer.
However you said that he is drinking a minimum of 2-3 beers? What is the maximum? For example does he do a six pack in one night?
I agree that more than three beers per night sounds like a bit much night after night, unless he is a 6'5" football player who weighs 300 lbs.
@Imean: OP, I am going to be 100% brutally honest with you here. I was married to an alcoholic for 14 years. The mere fact that you're asking us if his drinking is excessive is a huge red flag because it lets me know that you already know it is.
It is absolutely unfair for him to equate your weight with his drinking. Alcoholics and many other addicts do this a lot - it's called "leveling". They want to knock you down a peg and bring you down to their level so you won't be so quick to criticize them.
I actually think you are both right, and that it wasn't inappropriate for him to bring up your weight when you were bringing up his drinking. You both have addiction-like issues and actually your obesity is probably more likely to cause health problems than his drinking. He has a drinking problem, whether it's alcohol abuse or addiction is not clear, but drinking 3+ drinks 5 nights a week is not healthy. If he's unwilling to cut back and it's interfering with his life, then it's really not ok. Even if he's not getting drunk, the alcohol is affecting his brain and liver and may cause problems later on (or sooner like a DIU or car accident). You also have a substance abuse problem with food, you are obese and will have health problems if you don't change. Both stem from emotional issues and both are very hard to get over. I suggest you both go to therapy, probably separately, to deal with your issues. I'm sure it would help your health and your relationship. Good luck.
Weight, especially for a woman, is a much more sensitive topic than drinking. So I understand why you were insulted he brought it up, it does seem like a low blow.
on the other hand, I personally think the obesity issue in this country has become so prevalent because it is somehow seen as taboo to bring up someone's weight in the same way you would say, smoking or drug use. But it is just as detrimental to health as those things, if not more. Somehow weight issues have sort of been separated from behaviors that you have control over, as if they are out of our hands. I personally disagree with that way of thinking.
i have been thinking about weight issues a lot as I struggle to lose ten pounds that have crept on. I am still in a normal weight range but, taking a hard look at my food and lifestyle choices has been eye opening.
i think he should be more cautious and sensitive in bringing it up... But I do think it has a place equal to drinking or other health and relationship issues.
@Imean: My father was also an alcoholic, and I too remember bringing up the issue with my FI (now H). I think I had a diffucult time deciphering what meant too much to me as I was sensitive to all drinking. My H does have 1-3 beers maybe 2-5 times a week. He never looks or acts or sounds drunk. It does not affect our relationship in anyway. Even if he's had one drink he'll have me drive (if we're at a party, etc).
When I brought this up with him that I was trying to decide if I was concerned about his drinking or not, he was pretty offended and taken back. We all know my dad was not a stellar guy, so he was offended that I related him to my father even in that way.
Luckily though, because we are two mature adults, we were able to talk about this openly to get to the root of the issue. I realized that his drinking is NOT interferring with anything in our life - it was just me being hypersentitive.
So does your FI's drinking affect you guys in any way? Does he ge angry, depressive, withdrawn - anything that would affect your relationship? If yes, then you have a problem here.
Statistically speaking, as an adult daugther of an alcoholic, you are 50% more likely to marry another alcoholic UNLESS you've done some core work to resolve/dig up those issues so you don't repeat the cycle.
My mom's father was an alcoholic and she went to marry my dad, my sister also went to almost marry an alcoholic as well. I picked a crappy guy my first time around (not alcoholic but drug user) and luckily I stopped the pattern and got out and got therapy to learn why I ended up with that one. I had done all this work prior to meeting my husband, but certainly some residual effects remained.
I don't think the comparison of weight to alcohol consumption is fair. You're comparing a behavior (drinking alcohol) to the result of a behavior (being overweight). In many cases, being overweight is not caused by over-eating. If the OP engages in binge-eating behavior, sure, then maybe it's a fair comparison--but she didn't give any information about that.
I agree with the posters who think that he said it to distract her from the drinking remark. Obviously her comment put him on the defensive for some reason or another.
OP, I would ask what it is about his drinking that actually bothers you. Is it the way he acts when he drinks? Does he have alcoholism in his family? Do you find it inappropriate behavior? Are you worried that it is the sign of a larger problem?
I may be taking a different view on this here...
To touch about the his comment about your weight maybe being an issue for you as a couple down the road - this is really key information to you about your man.
To some people, they don't want to see their partner put on weight, and to some it can be a deal breaker. I think he's putting it out there for you that if it continues it could be a deal breaker for him.
This is information you need to know! I know everyone is getting up in arms about what he said, but honestly, you do need to fully understand who is it you are in a relationship with and what exactly each of your deal breakers are. Is the drinking a deal breaker for you?
Look at each other as you are now. Try not to go into the relationship thinking, "well if the other just lost weight," or "if the other just stopped drinking so much" - THEN WE'D BE PERFECT! Look at who each of you is showing to the other right now and use that information.
So try to put away your hurt feelings for now, to have a really honest to goodness open conversation about your guys' compatibility.
I've seen a lot of parameters of what is "too much" drinking thrown around on this thread but the real answer is personal. If you consider it too much drinking, and you live with him, then that is the deciding factor. I've seen professional manifests that say you are an alcoholic if you drink consistantly with certain emotions including happiness or times of celebrations (which makes any of us planning on a toast at our weddings and alcoholic). Some "studies" and parameters are more harsh than others and some are more lenient than others. You can argue all day about what a clinical definition of an alcoholic or "too much to drink" is but the bottom line is that every clinical study or professional doctrine I've seen has had a difference in opinion.
IMO I agree with PP who said "those who live in glass houses should not throw stones" Both issues are unhealthy and both need to be addressed.
I think you both should find ways to become more healthy couple together. It could be a great thing for your relationship. Working out might be a good way to start because working out would relax him and regulate him and he might not feel the need to drink as much, and working out would help your health issue as well. Maybe invest in two bikes and set aside three evenings a week to go on a bike ride together and explore your city.
Hm, personally, I think you're overreacting. But that's only based on the information you gave here. If his drinking is affecting you in some way (does he drink & drive, does he treat you badly when he's drinking?), or if you've mentioned that it bothers you before, then I could see why you may have said something. But, the way you describe what happened, I understand why he might have been caught off guard. As far as the weight issue, I guess it depends how exactly that transpired, but he was probably just mad that you had ordered a beer along with him, and that he thought you agreed to drink wine when you got home, yet, instead you call him out on his drinking. I would have been annoyed, too.
Also, just wondering, what do you, personally, consider an acceptable amount to drink? And how much do you drink?
He may be drinking too much. I can understand why you are concerned. It is likely you are sensitive to it, because of your father. He could be a bit more understanding in that aspect. I would explain to him why you're worried. There wouldn't be anything wrong with cutting back. It's not like he *needs* alcohol to survive.
I think it was insensitive of him to bring up your weight. He did it to try and make you feel bad, because he feels bad when you bring up his drinking. I will disagree with what others have said here that your weight is unhealthy. Most of the time, weight and body size are not an accurate measurements of health. That's a fact, despite what has been said here and what you have heard your entire life. There are recent studies that prove this. If you're eating right and exercising, but still at your current weight then that is where you probably should be. Do some research and the next time he brings up your weight, tell him to shut it. ;)
You don't like his drinking and he doesn't like your weight. Maybe you two can work this out then. He could agree to drink less if you agree to lose more weight? It could be like everytime you lose 5 lbs, he will cut out one day of drinking. So if you could lose 20 lbs, he will be able to drink only 3 days a week. Once he starts to drink less, it could curve his drinking habbit and you will have much more healthier weight.
OP, you could be the thinnest woman in the world without a single visible flaw. If he's an alcoholic and being defensive about his behavior, he will find something else to pick on you about when you bring up his drinking.
I agree with pps, it does not sound like his drinking is out of control, although you may not like it. Honestly, i am more concerned about your health. You are close to becoming morbidly obese. There are major health consequenes for being very over weight.
It sounds like you both need to embrace a healthier lifestyle. I think you should start by focusing on yourself. You mentioned that you have self esteem issues, i bet you would feel way more confidant about yourself if you started a successful fitness routine. I would also look into trying a month long vegan diet to jump start your weight loss. It might not be for you, but I've known a lot of ppl who have successfully lost weight this way, including my parents. Your positive changes could inspire him.
Taken too far, both drinking too much and being overweight are unhealthy. And yes, they can both be seen as unattractive aspects in a partner. That said, the conversation was mishandled. It's best to bring up an issue when not in the middle of it (aka, when a bottle of wine is not being discussed or opened). By the same token, it's really not a "tit for tat" situation that's it's appropriate to draw in a conversation about weight onto the drinking conversation. Both are issues and should be addressed - separately.
Love the suggestions of doing physical activity together in the evenings! Maybe you can start cooking healthy meals together, too. Win-win-win: he has something to do other than sit down and drink beers, you can tackle your weight issue, and both of you can build a stronger relationship by spending more quality time together.
OP, I know it can be hard to hear from PP that FI's drinking is not excessive by some medical standards or that you do in fact fall in the obese category according to your BMI. However, you can take control of this situation regardless of anyone's opinions on who is right/wrong. Best of luck to you.
I'm sorry this deteriorated to the point that it did, maybe picking at his drinking habits is a good way to get him to pick at your weight....it was wrong for you to start, and wrong for him to join in, now that your both finished taking each other's inventory, think about how that worked out for ya.
Only you can determine if his drinking is a problem for you, and if it is, leave. If it's not, looks like that's an off limits topic for you, I would designate weight in the same category....not every person who drinks is an alcoholic, being thrown into that category JUST because you do is a terrible thing. We all go up and down with weight, pointing out a heavier stage is cruel and counterproductive.
i grew up in a home with a strong European influence. That meant wine with dinner, and cordials with dessert. To me, it's as much a part of the meal as the main course is and I never thought twice about it ever, Mr. 99 comes from a family where alcohol abuse is rampant and there was an adjustment period for us both surrounding how each other views and enjoys alcohol. We met in the middle, we enjoy drinks with Grandpa on Thursdays, the weekends are what they are depending on what we have planned and if we go out to eat, a glass of wine or two for me is expected.
we both work out, but separately, that's MY time.
I am so sorry and hope you guys can get to a good place.
Thanks everyone for responding! I received way more feedback than expected! I think some things need to be clarified:
-I said he drinks 2-3 minimum, its more like 2-3 weekdays, 4-5 weekends. However, he rarely gets drunk and his attitude does not change. He also comes from Mexico, where drinking is very acceptable.
- I know it is not an excuse, but I do have health issues (along with self-control ones) that affect my weight. I have PCOS and have dealth with my weight my whole life. Since we met I've gained about 10lbs, but he met me "fat". I've also had my family attack me for my weight since I was 7yrs old when they started taking me to nutritionists, getitng me on diets, etc so I guess my background with alcohol and food affect how I reacted last night. I admit there are not excuses though, however it's really frustrating that people don't understand that losing weight for me is emotionally and physically very difficult.
In conclusion, we calmed down and talked it over, I told him how I felt and we agreed we're gonna start walking together in the afternoons, so I'll be getting some excersice, and he'll be entertained and will have something else /unwind to do besides having a beer. This was his idea, and I really appreciate his proactive attitude. Thanks to everyone who suggested this and who commented!
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