Post # 1
I have a difficult situation that I could use some advice on. So, about a month ago I got into a petty little argument with one of my bridesmaids (she is one of my best friends). She is one of those people who says what she thinks and can occasionally offend. So, long story short, she basically was rude via text and I told her she was and needed to apologize. Fast forward to a month later, she has yet to apologize, has not spoken to me, and actually defriended my fiance and I on Facebook! (how immature right!?).
Well, this makes things really difficult because in a week or two my fiance and I are going to be sending out save the dates and a few weeks after that my bridesmaids and I are going to go shopping for bridesmaids dresses. So, I just don’t know what to do. My friends say I should just call her and work it out. But, at the same time, I think she NEEDS to apologize. I know I am probably being stubborn, but she is being so immature about this whole thing that I refuse to be the one to concede. Especially since, this is supposed to be the most special time of my whole life and you’d think a friend would realize that and just apologize over something that was so stupid in the first place. In addition, even if I did work it out with her I don’t even know if I could be her friend again post wedding. I’m just really hurt about the whole thing.
What do you all think?? Is she out of the wedding or should I be the one to make amends??
Post # 3
You can call her and ask what her plans are without conceding.
All you really need to know is whether or not she intends to be in the wedding. (Or to tell her she’s been relieved of bridesmaid duties if you’d rather she not participate absent an apology.)
Post # 4
I’m sorry you are frustrated. I agree with your friend that you should pick up the telephone and call this person. If she’s important enough for you to ask her to be part of your special day, then I’d think the friendship is worth a telephone call.
Either way, it doesnt sound like a friendship with her will endure over the years so maybe it’s best she’s not in the wedding party.
Post # 5
I feel for you because I am in the same situation, only the petty fight between my BM and I happened OVER 9 months ago! After the fight we didn’t talk, then 5 months later decided to make ammends, (even though I felt she was the one needing to appologize) but I let it go, wanted to move on, so we both said okay lets move on. We hung out one time after 5 months and haven’t since. We used to talk every single day, but since the incident I NEVER talk to her, because she wont reply to my messages on FB, or return my calls. It doesnt help that shes super far up her conceited boyfriends a** either. ugh.
So, once you have an answer on how to fix the situation, feel free to share! Because I have no idea either! I have tried, but my BM just doesnt seem to want to bother with our friendship anymore. About a month ago I messaged her on FB to see if she was still going to be my BM, and she said yes, but who freaking knows at this point. It’s definitely frustrating and I hope all works out for you!
Post # 6
At the same time, I feel for your BM. It’s hard to completely know the tone of a text message. And even if she was rude, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it was about you. Something may be going on elsewhere in her life, and it may have come out in a rude message to you. You yourself said that she is the type of person who occasionally offends by what she says so I probably would have left the offending text alone if that was typical behavior. Also, I know that if I was told I needed to apologize for a text (of all things), I would be extremely ticked. I would find that action to be incredibly rude. If the offended person said I hurt them in some way, I would totally apologize, but if they break out the guns without saying something first, that would really irritate me.
Of course, her following actions to defriend and such are rather telling. It sounds as if she’s over it, so to speak. I think you need to decide if this rude comment is worth separating for. If not, be the bigger person and forget it.
Post # 7
If someone told me “You NEED to apologize” I probably wouldn’t, because I am an adult and don’t like being told what to do LOL
Can you tell I’m hopelessly stubborn too? But I’m also not above admitting when when I’m wrong, so I think approach matters a lot here. You need to decide if you want to call her. If you do, call her up and don’t be on a mission to get an apology out of her, just call to talk about what happened. Be nice, not accusing or confrontational. The behavior we put out there influences other people’s attitudes.
Post # 8
Thanks for the input. It is interesting to hear that someone to could have her side in this matter! lol. I didn’t quite say “you NEED to apologize.” I did say you are being really rude and it’s not OK. I know that she is this type of person and I think most times I let it go. I think this is why she was really caught off guard by me saying that she couldn’t talk to me like that, and that I wasn’t letting it go.
Basically, my fiance and I were supposed to be going to her house on Saturday night on Friday night I texted her to say that my fiance was feeling sick and we wouldn’t be able to make it. She came back saying that I needed to… “Web MD some new excuses, you never come to my house, etc. etc.” I just felt like it was SO rude! Instead of asking how he was, or telling me she hoped he felt better, it’s all about her all the time. I feel like you have to know this type of person to understand.. and maybe I was more upset by it because things like this happen ALL the time. I normally just let it go.
However, I will say this month of not talking to her (while sad) has been the most friend drama free/stress free in a really long time!
Also, I just feel like I could just call her if i want to stay her friend. But, she was the one who was in the wrong and what about her caring about our friendship? It can’t all be one-sided in terms of being a good friend and being mature!
It was such a stupid little text fight and she turns it into a month of a silent treatment and un-friending..really? Sorry, this is very long..I guess I just felt like a needed to vent today.
Post # 9
Hi everybody. I just wanted to give an update of my situation…
So, I decided to give in and contact the friend I had a fight with…I wrote her an email saying I thought what had happened was silly and I thought we should work things out, and that I needed to know what her plans were for my wedding.
I get an absolutely nasty email back from her! I really was stunned. I feel like she was the one who was in the wrong and still I was the one to reach out to her! She basically said she wouldn’t be attending my wedding and didn’t care at all. I really am so shocked and upset because we were friends for so long and had never even been in a fight before…now I feel like out of no where she is done with our friendship.
So, when this all happened I was really mad at her reaction and so I wrote her back this equally mean email just saying it was her loss that she was out of my life, etc. etc.
But, now as time goes on I really do miss her friendship and having her in my life. So again today, I wrote her yet another email..just saying how much I missed her friendship and didn’t know how she could give up on me after one fight in almost 10 years of friendship!
Well…I never heard back. I guess I just don’t get it…you think you know someone and have a good friend and then this happens. I am going to try not to let it bother me as the wedding goes on, and I’m sure on my wedding day I will be so happy I won’t even notice….but right now I just feel terrible!
Post # 10
@aimeefolds: I’m sorry you are going through this. Years ago I had a longtime friendship end this way. Very abrubtly, with just one fight. As I was reading your posts I saw so many similarities between you and I with our respective friends. Sometimes when you have a friend who is used to being the dominating one they don’t know how to handle it when you start to push back a little. But when the friend reacts badly like that you need to evaluate how healthy that relationship is. In my situation after she blew up at me, and cut me out, I decided to let the friendship go. I thought about it for a long time, and what did it was when someone asked me if I would be her friend now, as an adult. When I realized the answer was no I made the decision to not call her. It’s hard to end a friendship. It’s a break-up. A lot of the time those relationships are deaper and more emotionally connected than most of your relationships with ex boyfriends. But, just as with ex boyfriends, they can be unhealthy and draining. I still think about my old friend. We had been friends for over 20 years. I miss her, but I don’t miss the anxiety she used to bring into my life. I hope you don’t let this cast a cloud over your wedding. Her behaviour, and how she chose to handle the situation speaks volumes. I don’t think your wedding will be any less for her absence.
Post # 11
I think most women have been there once or twice in their lives. I think the older you get, the more you will be able to avoid these folks… I hope. I’ve been singed a time or two. I wish you hadn’t sent her an equally nasty email because she’s going to hold on to that but try and get over it. If she changes her mind, okay. If not, that’s still okay.
Post # 12
@aimeefolds: I’m sorry you’re dealing with this! I lost a friend of 15+ years over what I thought was a fight/misunderstanding. I realized that we had become two completely different people and couldn’t really be friends anymore.
I agree with Ms. Peach, it is just like a break up, it hurts! I still do think about how that relationship ended and if there was something that I could do have done differently. In the end it just takes time to move on. It’s not worth salvaging a relationship where the other person doesn’t appreciate you and causes you hurt and anxiety.
Post # 13
@aimeefolds- I am so sorry you are going through this! If it makes you feel any better, I had the same exact thing happen to me with my now Ex-MOH. We had really, stupid argument over something insane. I called and apologized even though I really didn’t feel the need to, and she ripped me to shreds on the phone. I waited her out, gave her some breathing, sent her this long e-mail (because she ignored calls and texts) about how important her friendship was to me and how I didn’t want something this small to ruin things, and she backed out of my wedding and our friendship in a harsh, mean spirited e-mail.
It hurts like h***, but you will get through it! Just focus on your fiance and all the supportive family and friends that you do have. You cared so much about your friendship and she didn’t seem to care at all. If one of your friend’s came to you for advice on a situation like this, I’m sure you’d tell her it’s not worth it to even try with this friend. It’s just hard to realize that when you’re in the situation.
I hope you have a great wedding despite all this! Oh, and I just realized your info says you’re in Boston. I’ve never been there in my life and I’m moving there in May. Small Wedding Bee world lol