Weddingbee boards

Calling all etiquette Bees ...

I just had an argument this morning with DH over an etiquette issue.  Adhering to proper etiquette has long been extrememly important to me.  However, it is not very important to him. He bristles at having to do what some mysterious "THEY" say we have to do, and I often find myself having to defend why things need to be done in a certain manner, or, in this case, why they should not be done at all.

My stepchildren usually receive some type of Christmas gift from my parents, one of my aunts, and my brother and his wife.  DH, knowing that his son would like to replace an expensive electronic device that he received for Christmas last year and ended up breaking within a few weeks, would like me to contact these members of my family "to give them an opportunity to contribute toward" this gift for my stepson.

I am not at all comfortable with this.  DH, however, thinks I am being absolutely ridiculous to say that I do not want to do this, since my sister-in-law has asked what type of gift card we would like for the kids this year, and my parents and aunt have always given cash gifts.  To me, one should NEVER presume that a gift is going to be given (even if a gift has been forthcoming every Christmas since DH and I were married two-and-a-half years ago), and one certainly should not contact prospective gift-givers in advance to "give them an opportunity to go in on a group gift" for one's immediate family member (or anyone else, for that matter.) DH thinks that I am completely wrong about this, and he is very frustrated with me.  He said it is not as if he is suggesting that we contact people outside of the family. He thinks that, because these are family members who have always given my stepson a gift, that we would simply be offering them an opportunity and that they are free to decline.  I say that if we ask them, they will not feel as if they have a choice.

I told DH that we should simply wait until AFTER Christmas, while we are visiting said family in another city, and that, after any additional Christmas money is received, he then can take my stepson shopping for the gift.  However, DH does not like this idea, as that then means that my stepson will not have his big gift to open on Christmas day. (He's a young teenager, not a little child.) I also suggested that we could put the gift on our credit card and simply tell my stepson that any of the Christmas money he receives from family while we are in said city will go toward the gift that he just opened. DH apparently did not like this suggestion either.

P.S. If anyone is wondering how we afforded to purchase the original, now broken, gift last Christmas, we were able to do so, because DH had been holding onto the money my stepson received for the prior year's Christmas as well as his birthday last year, for safekeeping. Those funds, along with what we contributed, enabled us to purchase the big-ticket piece of electronics last Christmas. That, apparently, is not an option this year, as, apparently, my stepson has already purchased things with his 2010 Christmas money and 2011 birthday money.

Do you agree with the position I am taking, or do you agree with my DH?

I agree that you can't call them up and tell them what to get.  If they ask, that's the best time to say "Stepson just broke his favourite toy, and we would love to be able to replace it for him, so a gift card towards that would be awesome" or something like that.  Otherwise, there's nothing you can do.

If they ask, I see no problem with answering, but I wouldn't contact any of them to suggest it.  I also think waiting would teach your stepson to be more careful with possessions (particularly that if you break something, you may not get it replaced).

Thank you so much for taking time to respond, bees! I definitely appreciate the validation of my thoughts regarding this.

@Bostongrl25:  We're not certain exactly how the gift was broken, but my stepson alleges that the breakage must have occurred as the item was being transported between his two homes, since he lives with us half of the time and with his mom half of the time.  After that incident, we are no longer permitting the item, which still technically works but has cracks all over the screen, to be taken back and forth.    

@oracle: I agree with this, as our family usually exchanges lists or we talk about what each other would like.

Thank you all so much, bees! I appreciate all of you having taken time to respond to my post.  It was very affirming to have so many bees underscore what I believe to be the proper course of action in this situation.  However, I also would like to thank those of you who expressed understanding for DH's thoughts on this matter. Even when I strongly believe I am right about something (as I do in this case), I have learned that it is often helpful to try to understand the opposing view better -- especially when the person holding the opposing view is my husband! lol.

To those who have made a point of noting that my stepson needs to take better care of his belongings, I absolutely do agree with this. However, as I noted in an above comment, he may not have been directly involved in the breakage of this item, as certain items belonging to him and his sister are transported back and forth between their two homes twice each week, and neither of the kids is usually present for this process. (They leave from one home to go to school, and then they arrive home at the other house on the custody-exchange days. The parents transport the items separately.  It's possible that one of the heavy items could have fallen on the delicate item during transport, or someone or a pet in one of the houses could have stepped on or accidentally kicked the bag in which the item was placed, etc.) So, in this particular instance, I would feel bad about holding him solely accountable for the damage. Because of this situation, DH no longer permits my stepson to have this item included among the transported items.

@simplifiedbride: Thanks so much for this suggestion.  Something such as that may be a potential solution.  I will have to discuss this with DH, as we do not live anywhere near a store of the original equipment manufacturer (DH purchased the item from a nearby big box retailer last year).  However, we may be near a store by the OEM when we travel for the holidays.

@tksjewelry: Thanks.  It's always good to hear from others who have similar living situations! I always enjoy reading your comments on the boards! :)

@CMSnails: Thank you for your questions about how DH and I ultimately will plan to resolve this. I would not expect him to be influenced by anything anyone has written here, as most of those who have posted upheld my position of wanting to follow proper etiquette. However, he may be happy to see that @photogestelle and a couple of others do understand his thinking. :)

I do not plan to contact my family about this, but DH is free to do so himself, if he so chooses.  However, because I oppose this, I do not anticipate that he will ask them.