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Oooh, I LOVE that ring! It actually looks quite similar to the ring I'm wearing now, which was my grandmother's engagement ring that I had reset. Back when she got engaged, diamonds were expensive and harder to come by, so it was the norm to get a small stone of high quality. I love it because it's not obtrusive or likely to break or get caught on something, but it sparkles like crazy! And of course it has a lot of sentimental value to me.
As for your fiance not understanding the cost of rings, it's all about communication. I think you need to explain to him (at a time when you're not already worked up about it) the things you've said here. That you value a high quality piece of jewellery that signifies your commitment to each other. That it's something you want to wear with pride for the rest of your life, therefore it can't be made of cheap materials and needs to come from a reputable jeweller with an appraisal so you know its longevity is secured. Give him the facts! There are legitimate reasons to want to spend money on a wedding set.
But I still do love the ring you have now! Best of luck to you!
I'm so sorry you your FH is being so difficult about this. E-rings are very expensive and most men are shocked when they find out how much they cost.
Could you upgrade your stone in your e-ring? Would that make you feel any better? I ended up paying for my setting on my e-ring because I wanted something that cost more then what FH wanted to spend; to me it is worth it because it’s something that I love. If he had gotten what he wanted to get me I wouldn’t love it I probably wouldn’t even like it.
As for the insurance you need to get the ring appraised and send the appraisal to your insurance to cover lost & theft. As for something breaking on it- did you get anytime of warrantee/ service plan on it? Some places its included others you have to pay for it.
Check out Jared.com (I don’t know if they ship there) they have amazing blingy rings for not too much money. I got a band with ½ ct for $500! Also when looking for wedding bands don’t just look under wedding check out the diamond right hand rings they are often less expensive!
I can totally understand how your feeling, it seems like there's some cultural differences and mis-communications going on here!
First of all, I think your ring is lovely. And I also think you're entitled to a beautiful, blingy wedding band, if that's what you want!
It's really easy to get caught up in the rat race of who has a bigger diamond. I mean, I do it too and mine is fairly substantial but here in NYC, it's not considered big by any means...But you have to remember that a bigger diamond does not always equal a happier marriage, that's really important!
And like you said, being apart can put a strain on communication, so that's probably not helping the situation either.
I think you need to wait until you are in the same room and can talk face-to-face and explain to him what you just told us. Try to be calm and not accusing and keep it to "I feel" statements to explain that you feel sad about something that should make you happy!
Good luck and I hope it works out!
I think I just get so worked up about it not being big enough sometimes. Then I look at it on my hand and think it looks fine!
The poor guy is going to think I hate it now, when I'm really just worried about getting a fantastic band to match it! Ah drama.
So, to start off, I'd like to say that I love your ring! I think it's beautiful! I do understand your frustration, and it sounds like your FI is using the Swiss tradition when he wants to pay less for your engagement ring, and the American tradition when he wants to pay less for your wedding ring. I don't think it works that way - because in both instances, you're the one doing the compromise while he gets to spend less.
I think maybe when he gets home, the two of you can sit down and you can let him know that you compromised with what you wanted for the engagement ring, so it's time for him to compromise for what you want with your wedding band. Are you willing to put money towards the wedding band as well? I only ask b/c my husband and I just purchased the bands and paid for them with our joint money. Mine was a lot more expensive than his (mine had diamonds and his didn't), so we just split the total cost of them. That might be something else you can approach him with.
It's hard, b/c he made you feel so badly for wanting the $1,500 ring that it sort of guilted you into getting the $500 ring. And now, he's going back on what he said and trying to get you a less expensive band, when that's not at all what you want. Try to talk with him when he's back (talking long distance stinks), and see how you do! Good luck, and I hope you get the wedding band of your dreams!
disclosure: i usually don't comment on threads like these because i simply can't relate to the feeling of 'needing' this or that when it comes to rings.
so to summarize: you come from a culture that gives you a guilt trip if you don't have certain dollar value associated with your ring set, and your fiance comes from a culture where the value is emotional instead. it sounds like he's upset because you are forcing this (expensive) tradition on him that holds no value in his culture. he's compromised for you by paying for another ring, but it's not enough to satisfy your ideas of what is culturally acceptable in America.
i'm not blaming or judging you for having this opinion on the value of rings, but from your post you don't seem to really be embracing any of his culture's take on the subject. you settled for the smaller ring because in your mind that was a good compromise to make him more comfortable financially with the act of buying this second ring. but then you explain that you really just wanted to physically have an engagement ring to show your family, regardless whether you liked it or not (again, i cannot relate to this). personally, if it was that important to me, i would have let him save and buy the bigger one and told my family about cultural differences if they asked about it.
you say multiple times that you both make good money, and the monetary value of your rings is obviously much more important to you than to him, so why not put up some of your own money for your ring set? or offer to buy him a really nice Swiss watch as a thank you, since you say he wouldn't mind getting spendy on something like that.
there will be plenty of opportunities for you guys to fight about money, trust me that this should not be one of them.
Oh no! Yeah, the Europeans don't grow up with the diamond ads their whole lives like we do. I feel like American girls can't explain why they have to have a diamond, and they can't understand why we want them.
I don't know how you'd feel about this idea, but maybe you could find a relative who has an old piece of jewelry with a nice center stone in it, diamond or not. Grandmothers, late relatives, mom, whoever. You could have that put into your E-ring and maybe have it upgraded when your FI can afford it.
That's what we did with my aquamarine. (My parents HATE it) My FI's aunt died tragically 30 years ago, and her favorite ring is now mine with two added diamonds that were his great grandmother's. Don't get me wrong, it's not a diamond, but we're in love and getting married- happy enough with that.
I understand your frustration, trust me. The problem isn't that you don't love your FI, you just don't see eye to eye about what the rings should look like. I've found that most bees on this website got to pick out their own engagement rings, so therefore are happy with them, but traditionally the guy picks it out and you finally get to pick out the wedding band in order to actually get something you want.
HOnestly if the engagement ring means that much to you, you should pay for it. IT clearly isn't as important to your FI who thinks a simple inexpensive ring is the way to go. If you have a good paying job like you said, then you can afford it.
I'm a little confused because you say you two make decent money, and money doesn't seem to be a problem- but $500 on a ring is too much?
Regardless... I think you should try to figure out what you really want in your ring(s). Society can say whatever it wants. There will always be someone with a bigger and “better” ring, and there will always be someone who has less, too. I think your ring is pretty, but if you are not happy then there is a problem. I think you have to have a calm discussion with your FH about your expectations for a ring. Try to verbalize what you feel about having the symbol your culture deems important, and feeling special. If your FH can spend thousands on a watch, let him know that this is what is important to you. I think you should probably keep the engagement ring you have now.
That said, I think you are perfectly justified in wanting a symbol of your love and commitment in a wedding band. It’s hard to get rid of expectations and cultural norms. If you succeed in getting them out of your head, let me know how. If it were me, marrying someone from a different culture, I would still want an engagement ring and a wedding band, so I can imagine how you might feel.
If you have a good paying job and your FI cannot afford it/does not want to spend money on it/doesn't "get it" (he's european, i get that), then what is wrong with putting out some money for it yourself? Just tell him, "you know what? i really want this, so I'm going to help pay for it". I think expecting him to pony up all the money in this situation isn't going to fly because you guys are from different cultures. I don't know that he'll ever really truly see your point besides, "i want something bigger".
At least, that's how it is in my house. If i really truly want something, I buy it with my own hard earned money.
@j.grossman13: I've always tied emotions to rings even when I was young. I actually wore a ring previously for many years that had its own personal symbolisation to it, but I put it aside when he gave me this ring. Because neither the style or the meanings matched. To each their own, of course.
However, I wouldn't generalize American culture as not caring about the emotional value of a ring, or Europeans not valuing the monetary value. Otherwise, I would hope there would be more cheaper rings available here! The ring, the engagement ring specifically, is used to represent the promise that the FI makes when he asks you to marry him. Many women like to represent this promise, and later the commitment of the union with the rings.
I have made many efforts to conform to Swiss society in non-marital ways so far, but I don't believe that means I should forsake everything that I valued from my heritage. I wanted a ring as my mother had had one. If the roles were reversed and I was a man and my FI was a woman, where his mother had just one ring, he would probably be happy with just one ring as well then. This is also not to say that women in Switzerland usually have one ring. More and more women are buying the engagement ring as we do in America, but my FI's mother comes from an older generation and happens to not have one.
@ejs4y8: when we first came across rings that were $1500 and he was really disturbed about the price and said he couldn't afford it at the moment (because God forbid he have less than 10k in his debit account!) I offered to help pay for it. It made sense to me and I told him I could help pay because he's not used to e-rings and I didn't mind pitching in. His response? NO WAY. He wanted it to be a gift from him and wanted to pay for it totally on his own. Which is kind of strange if you consider that he didn't expect to buy one. I don't know... men!
Anyway, I'm not giving up my e-ring now! I got this one and it's mine. I just had some feelings about it to vent and will probably have issues picking out my wedding band as a result.
I really upset him by all this I think.We do tend to have our man/woman communication and culture clash differences sometimes. I mean, fighting about a ring is not worth it to me! I told him I'd rather have him than a ring if it meant he's mad at me. He said we should just blame nature and stop fighting. He's coming home soon.
I think your ring is absolutely beautiful. I'm almost wondering if maybe you could use THAT as your wedding BAND and find a simple 1/2 carat solitaire to pair with it? I'm always for unique bands, and I think this one would look wonderful with something simple to show it off. :)
Have you considered getting a mossanite or cz ring? then you can have the size without the cost?
My husband is from Europe and had the same kind of shock when it came to rings. He has been living here for the last 10 years but he is definitely used to just a plain band as an engagement/wedding ring.
I'm sorry, but your FH is right--it is just a piece of metal. He bought you a ring that he found unnecessary. Isn't that enough? Or, as other posters said, why not buy your own if you want more bling? Also, it's a pretty ring--elegant and understated. I'm with your FH on this one--the emotional value trumps how much it cost every time, at least for me. That's the important thing.
I agree with moderndaisy and others - he doesn't have to understand, but if it's important to you and there's truly no reason you "can't afford it" - then you should be able to have what you want (even if you pitch in for some of the cost yourself).
If he insists on paying 100%, or he wants you to have plain matching bands for the wedding rings, maybe you buy yourself a nice eternity band that you can stack on.
It just doesn't seem right that he holds all the cards with this - you are allowed to like what you like, especially if you can pitch in some coin of your own!
Maybe you can explain it to him like, one day, he may want a motorcycle, or a huge TV, etc. (something that you personally have no need for and kind of feel is a dumb use of money). Would it be cool for you to be like, no, nope, sorry... assuming the money's there for it? If you both make good money, you should both be able to get some of the little extras that make you happy, even if the other doesn't "get it."
That band is gorgeous!! Call me biased or whatever, but from the looks of it, that is EXACTLY my wedding band!!!!!! I'd actually love to see another up close picture to see if it is my wedding band. Haha!! Does it have little groves next to the sides?? And are the diamonds the same size?? If so, it' my wedding band. Which I should add came as a set with my engagement ring. I seriously love that ring!! It's so delicate and feminine!! Wear it in good health and show that baby off!!
I totally know where your venting is coming from. My FI got me a lovely ring, but it just isn't my style... And it isn't about being materialistic. I don't think you're being superficial at all. I think it can just hurt your feelings when you look around and hear about all of these guys who spent so much time (and money) finding the "perfect" ring, consulting their girlfriends' tastes, even having a ring custom-made for them-- and to feel like your guy doesn't care about your expectations and desires.
From what I have heard and can tell, my FI went to one place (not a high-end jewelry store) and picked out the ring he thought was prettiest on display that day. From what he's said, he didn't even make sure the size was right. It's a full size smaller than what I wear. I think he just got all excited and wanted to get the ring right away, so he could give it to me when he wanted to. He got the certificate and everything, but he hadn't even studied up on the 4 C's before he went! I do love my center stone-- so sparkly! and he just happened to luck out on the quality-- but the style of the ring isn't me. And I felt hurt that it wasn't even the same color or the style of my other jewelry. Yet he felt hurt when I mentioned that I might like to get a different mount or a semi-mount (keeping the same diamond)-- so I've just given that up. What I'm thinking about is getting a completely different ring for my wedding ring-- because I get to choose that.
I understand where you're coming from, I don't think it's shallow at all. It just sounds like you and your FI have very different ideas on rings.
My advice to you:
Keep the engagement ring the way it is, it's special to you since you both picked it out and it's symbolic to you. I would just splurge a little more for the wedding ring. I think you compromised a lot by choosing a less expensive engagment ring, so it's his turn to compromise and let you get a more luxurious wedding band. A lot of women only wear their wedding band once they're married, not necessarily both rings, so it doesn't exactly have to match your engagement ring. That's what I'd do. He should understand this, and since it's your wedding band, you can help contribute to the cost and maybe it won't be so weird for him like that. I think this would be a fair solution for both of you, and no feelings hurt.
Good luck.
Hey, sorry I'm way late on this thread but I just wanted to put in my two cents. I dated a foreigner (German) for a long time, and he never understood why some thing were important to me. He used to say that he could never imagine spending $5,000 on a ring (which to me is the bare minimum for a nice ring), but then I'd point out that he'd willingly spend that on a tv for himself. It was frustrating to not agree on the same things, especially when it comes to money. I eventually (2.5 yrs later) broke up with him because I realized we were never go to agree on some very fundamental issues (not just ring costs). I think you and your man need to talk about money and what's important to you. A lot of issues like this are going to come up in the future, and you might not want to always pick the cheaper option (house, car, vacation, etc).
Just something to think about, good luck!!!
First of all, I'm sorry you two are fighting. Different cultures often clash on the oddest of things!
Well, here's my advice. First of all, I think your ring is beautiful. Definitely something that I would have considered getting, because I love delicate rings. Second, my ring only cost M $455! And I would never have asked him to spend more on it. We are both college students, and while we could easily have paid for a bigger/fancier ring, I would have felt literally sick blowing all that money on one piece of jewelry. The money we saved by getting a smaller ring is going towards things that are more important to us (and, quite frankly, I believe should be more important to anybody!) like a future home, our educations, and maybe even a fantastic honeymoon. So I would not worry about how much your ring cost or how big it is, because the money you save on the ring can be spent on a dozen other things in the future!
Now, I think the thing that is really bothering you is not how big or fancy or expensive your ring is, but the manner in which it was bought. It doesn't sound like your FI put a ton of thought or emotion into his choice. He just did what you told him was "normal" and bought the cheapest thing that fit into that category. I also think that neither of you is really being very understanding of the other's culture. He can't wrap his head around the idea of getting a big, expensive ring as an engagement gift, when he feels like the wedding ring is more important. And I don't think you are doing the best job at stepping into an outsider's shoes and realizing that it IS kind of odd how much money Americans spend on engagement rings! So I think maybe you two should sit down and discuss this again. Explain to him again why the engagement ring is so important to you, and have him explain exactly what his feelings are about it. Then find a compromise that makes both of you happy by getting you something beautiful and high-quality, but not spending more than your FI is comfortable with!
I really suggest you look at colored gemstones, btw. They are quite a bit cheaper and you can get something that is blingy while spending less than half of what you would buying a diamond. It's what we did--and everyone is always telling us how beautiful our sapphire is!
i totally understand your frustration, but you have to remember that the size/price isn't important -- your marriage is! i second trail mix's post.
Ooh, man lots of replies to this thread that I wasn't emailed about. Update on the ring situation!
@Oribel013690: we did both realise that each other had totally different ideas about engagements. It's not something you get over in a day and I posted this when I was frustrated about it. Yes, I realise that he didn't understand American style engagement rings and that it was materialistic of me to even want that (wanting what my mother had, cheesy and stupid, but call me traditional!), but also he didn't propose with a typical European "expensive one-for-all" type wedding band to use on the right hand as the engagement ring either… (because to him, you are supposed to propose with the wedding band as you just get one). And after asking more women around work and things, I'm finding that separate engagement rings and wedding bands are more and more popular over here… Swiss women are saying they want two rings here as well! My guy had just never thought he would be expected to do that. We ended up both agreeing a more modest engagement ring was better and to splurge on the wedding band and get something we both really like. And we figure that this is not the last time by far that we will probably have completely different outtakes or reactions about things due to our different cultures. We know we will need to be patient with each other when we don't see eye to eye, but I don't think it's a dealbreaker. :)
Soo… hum in the mean time of the 5 months I didn't check this thread, we ended up going wedding band shopping. The FI even entertained me to go wedding band shopping in more stores and cities than the e-ring because he wanted me to get something I was really happy with. I honestly don't like most of the typical bulky simplified germanic rings here… and they pull out the SAME brand's tray of wedding rings at every shop and ask you what you want… and I just had to tell them in german "No, no no, I don't want those… show me more diamonds!" lol. Sounds terrible but I wanted to see their more intricate diamond and eternity style bands.
We only found one shop that had a really nice lady who was very helpful in pulling out lots of beautiful pieces. I found something that just worked… so here are the pictures! It's big and sparkly like I wanted, but my favourite part is that the wedding band still sits below the engagement ring. So now after 7 months of enjoying my low-key e-ring, I don't have to worry about my wedding band being too tall or bulky! And I'm sooo excited to wear my combo together this October! Now that the rings are at home I just want to try them on together all the time. :)
I'm really happy with both the choices, and glad that the choices are made! Haha, in the mean time I also picked a photographer...so those are all my personal big choices, photog, rings and dress. Feel like I don't have to care about the rest of the planning now. Ha.
I love your rings! They compliment each other really well and I'm glad everything workd out!
Gorgeous! Great pick. I really like the look of those two together. :)
glad everything worked out. I'm super curious to know what German style bands look like-- can you post a link to those? I just like to learn what other cultures do.
Your engagement ring is incredibly gorgeous. My jaw dropped as soon as I saw the picture! Just wanted to let you know your ring is stunning and it took my breath away :) I adore the two rings together, just beautiful!
I'm so glad you got the wedding band of your dreams! Your engagement is GORGEOUS as is your wedidng band! & I really LOVE the two rings together, just beautiful! :-)
Honestly, I think it's lovely. It's really delicate and feminine. It looks vintage to me and has a lot of personality. Granted it's not a large solitaire which a lot of people think means it signifies 'ENGAGED' more than non traditional rings.
Also, no matter what size ring you had you would be able to feel bad about if you compared it to anyone elses.
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Ahh… so the FI originally proposed with a simple silver band he bought on vacation while apart from me… and it was too big for most all of my fingers and not exactly a comfy fit on the fingers it did fit on. He’s Swiss, and he’s really not used to the idea that women even get engagement rings. Over here, women often just have a wedding band that they wear on their right hand for the engagement period… so they are generally a lot wider too. I really wanted to have a proper separate engagement band just like my mother, my sisters, etc, because that’s what’s normal for me and what I’ve always wanted.
So we went ring shopping, and it was oh-so-awkward. Like, FI had no comprehension how much a ring should cost…. Specifically a ring he never expected to even have to buy! So we spent a not-fun day going into Swiss jewelry shops and nervously asking to see rings. I had already been browsing online to get an idea of style and price, and I was thinking something under $2000 would be appropriate. I didn’t want something too big or poking out a ton. We found a nice ring with .5 carats and two side stones, priced at $1500 and the FI freaked out when we left the store… like he didn’t have enough money for that, how can a ring cost so much money, etc?
For him, he was also having a hard time understanding why the engagement ring would cost more than the wedding ring, which he views as more important, therefore should cost more. And he felt like rings are just pieces of metal and stone, whereas something like a Swiss watch he wouldn’t mind spending thousands on because it’s a true piece of engineering. *Sigh*
So we found another ring at a jewelry shop, a .12 carat diamond with two small side stones on each size. It was only around $500. The FI said I could get the first ring if he saved up for it, or we could get the smaller ring and I would have it in time for a trip back home to the US, where everyone in my family would be asking to see my engagement ring. (I’d already been asked by people at work about it and had to show them my random silver ring on my right hand and explain that we were getting something else later). He said it was my decision.
I decided I should go for the smaller ring, because it was $1000 less and my FI really hadn’t been expecting to buy this kind of ring because it’s not in his culture’s tradition anyway. Plus, I really wanted a ring and I wanted to show it to my family before we travel for the actual wedding day! I justified it that I didn’t want too big of a ring anyway as they poke out and scratch, etc.
So why am I upset now??
I had second thoughts about the ring after we’d bought it… had I really made the right decision? My mother’s ring is twice the size, as is my new sister-in-law’s ring. Another sister-in-law has a .75 ring and my oldest sister has at least 1 carat. 1 carat, and I have 1/8! But it’s not necessarily the size that makes me feel bad about it.
All of my sisters got certificate’s with their rings, or had them appraised, can go back to the jeweler and get them polished, etc. My FI just has a receipt (that he threw away) saying how much it cost. I just feel like if we got a “bigger, more proper” ring, it would come with all those normal things… and not like we just got something as cheap as possible. What happens if something breaks on my ring? I have to pay out of pocket? He says it’s covered under house insurance, but we don’t even have proof how much the ring costs, and I think our house insurance covers theft, not damage due to me wearing something.
So I let him know I’ve been a little bothered about it, and we started fighting about it. (He’s out of the country traveling a lot too… so the distance doesn’t help). I’m upset that he’s made jokes or hinted about how expensive the ring was, when it’s literally 1/3 the price people normally spend on rings, and at the very bottom of polls about how much people spend. Not like it’s all about money, but we both have good paying jobs and how much cheaper was it supposed to get?? He commented on one of my flashy costume rings that I could have just used that… and why did I need another ring when I already have a glitzy one? It was $5 and made out of plastic and pot metal… not something I think will last the rest of my lifetime!
He’s mad that I’m upset with a ring I picked out and he doesn’t understand what I’m upset about or why I’m worried about insurance or anything. He’s also mad I don’t think the ring we got is expensive, because to him it was.
I guess I’m also upset right now because I’m trying to figure out what kind of wedding ring I want… and part of myself reasoning to get a smaller engagement ring was that I could get a more complicated wedding ring… like an eternity diamond band or something with smaller diamonds. FI made an off-hand comment that we should just get silver bands like what’s normal, and NOW he’s into the idea of the wedding band costing less than the engagement ring because it’s “normal” for Americans… and cheaper for him!
Maybe seeing all the giant engagement ring/wedding ring combos while searching is depressing me some… it makes me think it will be hard to find something that looks good next to my ring and not look stupid. Or maybe that so many other bees have larger rings… I’m starting to feel my is abnormally small… I don’t want to be consigned to buy a wedding ring less than $500! Why should I have to have such cheap rings when we both have good paying jobs??
He says he hasn’t made any comments on wedding band prices since we haven’t even started looking at stuff together, but he did sort of flip out when I mentioned how the band would probably cost more than the e-ring. I don’t want to have to fight to get a ring I love!
I don’t really want a different e-ring either… I just want a wedding ring glitzy enough to feel like I’m special and that the bands are important to me. But I find myself not even being interested in a ring if it’s $300 or so, just because it’s not “expensive enough”. I feel totally shallow thinking my e-ring and wedding band together should be fairly expensive/glittery. Is that so wrong?
I feel like a big complaining mess… and I wish my man would fly home faster so we can make up. :(
Edit: Here's the ring we got: