- 8 years ago
- Wedding: October 2011
Ahh… so the FI originally proposed with a simple silver band he bought on vacation while apart from me… and it was too big for most all of my fingers and not exactly a comfy fit on the fingers it did fit on. He’s Swiss, and he’s really not used to the idea that women even get engagement rings. Over here, women often just have a wedding band that they wear on their right hand for the engagement period… so they are generally a lot wider too. I really wanted to have a proper separate engagement band just like my mother, my sisters, etc, because that’s what’s normal for me and what I’ve always wanted.
So we went ring shopping, and it was oh-so-awkward. Like, FI had no comprehension how much a ring should cost…. Specifically a ring he never expected to even have to buy! So we spent a not-fun day going into Swiss jewelry shops and nervously asking to see rings. I had already been browsing online to get an idea of style and price, and I was thinking something under $2000 would be appropriate. I didn’t want something too big or poking out a ton. We found a nice ring with .5 carats and two side stones, priced at $1500 and the FI freaked out when we left the store… like he didn’t have enough money for that, how can a ring cost so much money, etc?
For him, he was also having a hard time understanding why the engagement ring would cost more than the wedding ring, which he views as more important, therefore should cost more. And he felt like rings are just pieces of metal and stone, whereas something like a Swiss watch he wouldn’t mind spending thousands on because it’s a true piece of engineering. *Sigh*
So we found another ring at a jewelry shop, a .12 carat diamond with two small side stones on each size. It was only around $500. The FI said I could get the first ring if he saved up for it, or we could get the smaller ring and I would have it in time for a trip back home to the US, where everyone in my family would be asking to see my engagement ring. (I’d already been asked by people at work about it and had to show them my random silver ring on my right hand and explain that we were getting something else later). He said it was my decision.
I decided I should go for the smaller ring, because it was $1000 less and my FI really hadn’t been expecting to buy this kind of ring because it’s not in his culture’s tradition anyway. Plus, I really wanted a ring and I wanted to show it to my family before we travel for the actual wedding day! I justified it that I didn’t want too big of a ring anyway as they poke out and scratch, etc.
So why am I upset now??
I had second thoughts about the ring after we’d bought it… had I really made the right decision? My mother’s ring is twice the size, as is my new sister-in-law’s ring. Another sister-in-law has a .75 ring and my oldest sister has at least 1 carat. 1 carat, and I have 1/8! But it’s not necessarily the size that makes me feel bad about it.
All of my sisters got certificate’s with their rings, or had them appraised, can go back to the jeweler and get them polished, etc. My FI just has a receipt (that he threw away) saying how much it cost. I just feel like if we got a “bigger, more proper” ring, it would come with all those normal things… and not like we just got something as cheap as possible. What happens if something breaks on my ring? I have to pay out of pocket? He says it’s covered under house insurance, but we don’t even have proof how much the ring costs, and I think our house insurance covers theft, not damage due to me wearing something.
So I let him know I’ve been a little bothered about it, and we started fighting about it. (He’s out of the country traveling a lot too… so the distance doesn’t help). I’m upset that he’s made jokes or hinted about how expensive the ring was, when it’s literally 1/3 the price people normally spend on rings, and at the very bottom of polls about how much people spend. Not like it’s all about money, but we both have good paying jobs and how much cheaper was it supposed to get?? He commented on one of my flashy costume rings that I could have just used that… and why did I need another ring when I already have a glitzy one? It was $5 and made out of plastic and pot metal… not something I think will last the rest of my lifetime!
He’s mad that I’m upset with a ring I picked out and he doesn’t understand what I’m upset about or why I’m worried about insurance or anything. He’s also mad I don’t think the ring we got is expensive, because to him it was.
I guess I’m also upset right now because I’m trying to figure out what kind of wedding ring I want… and part of myself reasoning to get a smaller engagement ring was that I could get a more complicated wedding ring… like an eternity diamond band or something with smaller diamonds. FI made an off-hand comment that we should just get silver bands like what’s normal, and NOW he’s into the idea of the wedding band costing less than the engagement ring because it’s “normal” for Americans… and cheaper for him!
Maybe seeing all the giant engagement ring/wedding ring combos while searching is depressing me some… it makes me think it will be hard to find something that looks good next to my ring and not look stupid. Or maybe that so many other bees have larger rings… I’m starting to feel my is abnormally small… I don’t want to be consigned to buy a wedding ring less than $500! Why should I have to have such cheap rings when we both have good paying jobs??
He says he hasn’t made any comments on wedding band prices since we haven’t even started looking at stuff together, but he did sort of flip out when I mentioned how the band would probably cost more than the e-ring. I don’t want to have to fight to get a ring I love!
I don’t really want a different e-ring either… I just want a wedding ring glitzy enough to feel like I’m special and that the bands are important to me. But I find myself not even being interested in a ring if it’s $300 or so, just because it’s not “expensive enough”. I feel totally shallow thinking my e-ring and wedding band together should be fairly expensive/glittery. Is that so wrong?
I feel like a big complaining mess… and I wish my man would fly home faster so we can make up. 🙁
Edit: Here’s the ring we got: