(Closed) Fighting about rings: I’m a big complainer… and I’m the one who picked it out!

posted 8 years ago in Rings
Post # 3
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Oooh, I LOVE that ring! It actually looks quite similar to the ring I’m wearing now, which was my grandmother’s engagement ring that I had reset. Back when she got engaged, diamonds were expensive and harder to come by, so it was the norm to get a small stone of high quality. I love it because it’s not obtrusive or likely to break or get caught on something, but it sparkles like crazy! And of course it has a lot of sentimental value to me.

As for your fiance not understanding the cost of rings, it’s all about communication. I think you need to explain to him (at a time when you’re not already worked up about it) the things you’ve said here. That you value a high quality piece of jewellery that signifies your commitment to each other. That it’s something you want to wear with pride for the rest of your life, therefore it can’t be made of cheap materials and needs to come from a reputable jeweller with an appraisal so you know its longevity is secured. Give him the facts! There are legitimate reasons to want to spend money on a wedding set.

But I still do love the ring you have now! Best of luck to you!

Post # 4
Member
3219 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I’m so sorry you your FH is being so difficult about this. E-rings are very expensive and most men are shocked when they find out how much they cost.

Could you upgrade your stone in your e-ring? Would that make you feel any better? I ended up paying for my setting on my e-ring because I wanted something that cost more then what FH wanted to spend; to me it is worth it because it’s something that I love. If he had gotten what he wanted to get me I wouldn’t love it I probably wouldn’t even like it.

As for the insurance you need to get the ring appraised and send the appraisal to your insurance to cover lost & theft. As for something breaking on it- did you get anytime of warrantee/ service plan on it? Some places its included others you have to pay for it.

Check out Jared.com (I don’t know if they ship there) they have amazing blingy rings for not too much money. I got a band with ½ ct for $500! Also when looking for wedding bands don’t just look under wedding check out the diamond right hand rings they are often less expensive!

Post # 5
Member
1956 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School

I can totally understand how your feeling, it seems like there’s some cultural differences and mis-communications going on here!

First of all, I think your ring is lovely. And I also think you’re entitled to a beautiful, blingy wedding band, if that’s what you want!

It’s really easy to get caught up in the rat race of who has a bigger diamond. I mean, I do it too and mine is fairly substantial but here in NYC, it’s not considered big by any means…But you have to remember that a bigger diamond does not always equal a happier marriage, that’s really important!

And like you said, being apart can put a strain on communication, so that’s probably not helping the situation either.

I think you need to wait until you are in the same room and can talk face-to-face and explain to him what you just told us.  Try to be calm and not accusing and keep it to “I feel” statements to explain that you feel sad about something that should make you happy! 

Good luck and I hope it works out!

 

Post # 7
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

So, to start off, I’d like to say that I love your ring! I think it’s beautiful! I do understand your frustration, and it sounds like your FI is using the Swiss tradition when he wants to pay less for your engagement ring, and the American tradition when he wants to pay less for your wedding ring. I don’t think it works that way – because in both instances, you’re the one doing the compromise while he gets to spend less.

I think maybe when he gets home, the two of you can sit down and you can let him know that you compromised with what you wanted for the engagement ring, so it’s time for him to compromise for what you want with your wedding band. Are you willing to put money towards the wedding band as well? I only ask b/c my husband and I just purchased the bands and paid for them with our joint money. Mine was a lot more expensive than his (mine had diamonds and his didn’t), so we just split the total cost of them. That might be something else you can approach him with.

It’s hard, b/c he made you feel so badly for wanting the $1,500 ring that it sort of guilted you into getting the $500 ring. And now, he’s going back on what he said and trying to get you a less expensive band, when that’s not at all what you want. Try to talk with him when he’s back (talking long distance stinks), and see how you do! Good luck, and I hope you get the wedding band of your dreams!

Post # 8
Member
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

disclosure: i usually don’t comment on threads like these because i simply can’t relate to the feeling of ‘needing’ this or that when it comes to rings. 

so to summarize: you come from a culture that gives you a guilt trip if you don’t have certain dollar value associated with your ring set, and your fiance comes from a culture where the value is emotional instead. it sounds like he’s upset because you are forcing this (expensive) tradition on him that holds no value in his culture.  he’s compromised for you by paying for another ring, but it’s not enough to satisfy your ideas of what is culturally acceptable in America. 

i’m not blaming or judging you for having this opinion on the value of rings, but from your post you don’t seem to really be embracing any of his culture’s take on the subject.  you settled for the smaller ring because in your mind that was a good compromise to make him more comfortable financially with the act of buying this second ring.  but then you explain that you really just wanted to physically have an engagement ring to show your family, regardless whether you liked it or not (again, i cannot relate to this).  personally, if it was that important to me, i would have let him save and buy the bigger one and told my family about cultural differences if they asked about it.

you say multiple times that you both make good money, and the monetary value of your rings is obviously much more important to you than to him, so why not put up some of your own money for your ring set?  or offer to buy him a really nice Swiss watch as a thank you, since you say he wouldn’t mind getting spendy on something like that.

there will be plenty of opportunities for you guys to fight about money, trust me that this should not be one of them.

Post # 9
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Oh no! Yeah, the Europeans don’t grow up with the diamond ads their whole lives like we do. I feel like American girls can’t explain why they have to have a diamond, and they can’t understand why we want them.

I don’t know how you’d feel about this idea, but maybe you could find a relative who has an old piece of jewelry with a nice center stone in it, diamond or not. Grandmothers, late relatives, mom, whoever. You could have that put into your E-ring and maybe have it upgraded when your FI can afford it.

That’s what we did with my aquamarine. (My parents HATE it) My FI’s aunt died tragically 30 years ago, and her favorite ring is now mine with two added diamonds that were his great grandmother’s. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a diamond, but we’re in love and getting married- happy enough with that.

Post # 10
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I understand your frustration, trust me. The problem isn’t that you don’t love your FI, you just don’t see eye to eye about what the rings should look like. I’ve found that most bees on this website got to pick out their own engagement rings, so therefore are happy with them, but traditionally the guy picks it out and you finally get to pick out the wedding band in order to actually get something you want.

HOnestly if the engagement ring means that much to you, you should pay for it. IT clearly isn’t as important to your FI who thinks a simple inexpensive ring is the way to go. If you have a good paying job like you said, then you can afford it.

Post # 11
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m a little confused because you say you two make decent money, and money doesn’t seem to be a problem- but $500 on a ring is too much?

Regardless… I think you should try to figure out what you really want in your ring(s). Society can say whatever it wants. There will always be someone with a bigger and “better” ring, and there will always be someone who has less, too. I think your ring is pretty, but if you are not happy then there is a problem. I think you have to have a calm discussion with your FH about your expectations for a ring. Try to verbalize what you feel about having the symbol your culture deems important, and feeling special. If your FH can spend thousands on a watch, let him know that this is what is important to you. I think you should probably keep the engagement ring you have now.

That said, I think you are perfectly justified in wanting a symbol of your love and commitment in a wedding band. It’s hard to get rid of expectations and cultural norms. If you succeed in getting them out of your head, let me know how. If it were me, marrying someone from a different culture, I would still want an engagement ring and a wedding band, so I can imagine how you might feel.

Post # 12
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

If you have a good paying job and your FI cannot afford it/does not want to spend money on it/doesn’t “get it” (he’s european, i get that), then what is wrong with putting out some money for it yourself? Just tell him, “you know what? i really want this, so I’m going to help pay for it”. I think expecting him to pony up all the money in this situation isn’t going to fly because you guys are from different cultures. I don’t know that he’ll ever really truly see your point besides, “i want something bigger”. 

At least, that’s how it is in my house. If i really truly want something, I buy it with my own hard earned money.

Post # 15
Member
2026 posts
Buzzing bee

I think your ring is absolutely beautiful. I’m almost wondering if maybe you could use THAT as your wedding BAND and find a simple 1/2 carat solitaire to pair with it? I’m always for unique bands, and I think this one would look wonderful with something simple to show it off. 🙂

Post # 16
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Have you considered getting a mossanite or cz ring?  then you can have the size without the cost? 

My husband is from Europe and had the same kind of shock when it came to rings.  He has been living here for the last 10 years but he is definitely used to just a plain band as an engagement/wedding ring. 

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