Fighting in relationships.

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5932 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@freshflowers:  We fight…I wouldn’t say its a lot…but its probably more often than most couples, and its not because we’re not compatable or because we don’t respect each other…its because we’re both firey, we’re both confrontational and because we’re both present and invested in this life we’re building together…that’s not easy and sometimes we trade a little paint over things. 

 

Post # 4
Member
42546 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@freshflowers:  I really think it depends on your definition of “fight”. 

We don’t fight. Never fighting to me does not mean that we never disagree on anything. We disagree. We talk it out and either come to a compromise  or at least a mutual understanding of each person’s position. It isn’t necessary in life to always agree.

The fact that he does not yell at me or vice versa, does not signify a lack of passion or commitment to a position. To me it means that we are mature enough to at times agree to disagree.

Post # 5
Member
3442 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@freshflowers:  I agree.

I never really realized that I needed or wanted this until I met my husband and one of the biggest turn ons for me is that he doesn’t shy away from having an opinion.

My BIL and my sister don’t fight very often because her husband is super passive and lets my uber opinionated sister take the reigns, and this always bothered me a little. The fact that my husband can stand up for what he believes in and wear the pants makes him sexier to me.

I don’t like to argue often, but sometimes it can ignite the passion and make coming back together a little sweeter.

Post # 6
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think that couples who never openly disagree, or fight, aren’t being honest with themselves or each other about how they feel. I just don’t think anyone is THAT perfect for each other, or THAT good at communicating.

Post # 7
Member
1892 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@freshflowers:  We are two stubborn, strong willed, aggressive people, and sometimes we disagree, so yeah, heated discussions happen. I think it is completely normal. In our case, with our strong personalities, a relationship where we never argued would mean one of us was constantly holding back, which sounds unhealthy. I wouldn’t want that kind of relationship – I like that we can be open with one another, have it out, and work things out. We also don’t yell or anything – I actually tend to go very cold and quiet when angry. 🙂

It’s hard for me to imagine two adults raised in different households by different families who never, ever disagree on anything! At least in our case, while we have a lot in common, we also come from very different backgrounds and therefore have different perspectives on things.  

Post # 8
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@freshflowers:  IMO we don’t fight but we do disagree and talk things out quite often. Fighting to me means that some yelling should be involved. We don’t yell at each other but we get frusterated and debate very often 

Post # 10
Member
1349 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Nona99:  “trade a little paint”  I like that!!!

Post # 11
Member
1349 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@freshflowers:  We fight.  I’m a strong personality.  I’m glad my husband isn’t a doormat and will stand up to me.  It’s good for both of us.  And when we do fight, we only get stronger once the dust settles!!!

 

Post # 12
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee

A little context. My father and I used to argue all the time before I moved out at age 19 to live with my ex. My ex is a very sweet guy, but he was a manchild. Over the 9 years we’ve been together, I’ve taken a lot of responsabilities over my shoulders and I shouldn’t have, but I wanted to prevent fighting and arguing so I just started doing the chores we we arguing about. And my frustration added, until it exploded into a fight. Whenever I would bring up the subject more tactfully, he would pout, and his silence angered me and again, the only way to resolve our issues was to fight. Nothing abusive, but I have a strong personality, I am natureally stressed as a person, I hate conflicts, and I hate when issues are not resolved. When I left my ex, I was PRAYING to be in a relationship where I would not have to fight over chores anymore, or fight over time spent together as a couple (my ex was a gamer), or fight over sex (I didn’t have a strong libido). I’m so tired of fighting. I didn’t want to allow the negativity in my life anymore, because it would only bring the worst in me.

I was happy to find exactly what I expected and hoped for when I met my SO. My fiancé and I never fight. We have a great communication, we can talk about any topic, and we are respectful of each other’s feelings. When we face disagreements or issues of any kind (because of course it happens !), we simply discuss it. Nobody pouts, nobody answers short to the other, nobody tries to guilt the other. We discuss how we feel, we find a solution together, done. It’s incredibly easy, and it’s made my life so much better. As soon as I started dating my SO, my entourage (family and close friends) noticed how positive, relaxed and happy I had becomed. This relationship just brought peace to my life, and that’s all I ever wanted. 

I will never understand how it is not ”healthy” not to fight in a relationship. It all depends on HOW you fight. And again, what’s not healthy about it is when you avoid problems, and we don’t. We discuss them right away, which prevents frustration from adding. Once the issue is resolved, we move on and do not keep resentment. I really can’t understand how anybody would tell us this is not a healthy way to deal with problems. I’d like to find a therapist that says otherwise. 😉

Another thing I don’t understand is when people say it must be ”boring” not to fight. This sounds odd to me, because I never felt the need to frustrate, anger, or make somebody else sad when I’m bored. How is it supposed to be entertaining ? Unless you meant you need to be challenged in your relationship ? That’s another story, and it all depends on your personality. I know for instance that it’s not something that I like. My ex and I had different interests and different opinions. Sometimes it was indeed challenging. It worked for a while, but that’s also the main reason why our relationship ultimately failed. I now share a lot of common interests with my fiancé, and I prefer this situation 1000x more than when I had to be ”challenged” by my ex’ obsession over video games or different life goals. I’m too stressed as a person to face endless challenges in my personal life. Finally, maybe the ”it must be boring” argument really meant ”I want someone with opinions, and who is not afraid to voice them” ? In this case, I totally agree with you. FI and I are both very opinionated, but we don’t need to fight to share opinions either. Again, it’s all about personality. What makes me happy can be different from what sombody else wants. I know in my life, I wanted and needed exactly the kind of relationship I have right now with my FI. Maybe it wouldn’t work for somebody else, but it does for us, and it makes us both happy. 

Post # 13
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Mr TTR & I have been together for almost a decade.

We don’t fight… and we rarely disagree.  We see eye-to-eye on most issues.

And I attribute that to the fact that we did a TON of talking thru issues BEFORE we got too far into our relationship… so our values align.

(Religion – Sex – Money – Chores – Family / Kids – Friends – Boundaries – Careers – Social Habits – Vacations – Time Together & Apart etc)

Key IMO in whether a relationship has real staying power over the long term.

When something comes up that bothers the other person, it therefore tends to be pretty small stuff.. and we can talk it out.

Much like @julies1949: described in Reply # 3:

We don’t fight. Never fighting to me does not mean that we never disagree on anything. We disagree. We talk it out and either come to a compromise  or at least a mutual understanding of each person’s position. It isn’t necessary in life to always agree.

The fact that he does not yell at me or vice versa, does not signify a lack of passion or commitment to a position. To me it means that we are mature enough to at times agree to disagree.

I think our ability to talk things thru and “not sweat the small stuff” (and a great deal of it in life is small stuff) comes down to the fact that we are BOTH Encores.

We’ve both had relationships that were rocky or turbulent (we’ve both had relationships with people who have had HUGE Issues… Alcoholism / Mental Health) so we appreciate the fact that our relationship is far more even keeled overall.  And we work hard at keeping things REAL and easy. 

We’ve learned thru age & maturity, that it is ridiculous to harp on stuff that comes down to trying to push one’s PREFERANCES upon another for example.  Being able to identify the difference between a preferance and an actual SERIOUS Issue is HUGE.

To many couples seem to argue about sh!t in our minds that just doesn’t matter in the bigger scheme of things.

Who cares whether Spouse # 1 takes one particular route to a Destination… while Spouse # 2 would go a different way ?  In the end you both get there… our rule for example on this type of issue is… He who drives gets to decide.  And the other / Passenger should just be happy to take in the drive (or better yet … conversation) enroute.


Post # 14
Member
1666 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@freshflowers:  We do have arguments and misunderstandings and disagreements. FI was raised in a very passionate family; they aren’t afraid to give their opinions about stuff. Sometimes that leads to arguments and fighting, but they almost always make up with one another after things have calmed down. It took a while for me to get used to that because I tend to be more passive about things.

We have raised our voices to one another a few times, but we’ve been together for over 6 years. We do our best to remain respectful of one another and we definitely do what we can to keep from arguing in public. We’ve wound up hearing too many fights between his brother and the brother’s GF. . . and when I say fight, I mean full on screaming at one another (really awkward and awful to have to listen to).

Post # 15
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@NauticalDisaster:  I agree with SO much of what you said.

My FI and I really don’t fight. We obviously don’t agree on everything but we talk through our differences; more often than not it’s that one of us just didn’t see where the other person was coming from, and once we talk things through there’s nothing to disagree about.

We’re both very passionate people, and we both came from relationships where there was lots of fighting and lots of drama because the people we were with wouldn’t talk things through so the only way anything ever got resolved was with a fight. We made a really conscious effort to not fall into that again because of how emotionally exhausting and destructive that had been.

That being said, I certainly don’t think it’s healthy if a couple doesn’t fight only because one person gives in all the time. However, I think you can challenge each other and discuss your differences and have “spice” in your relationship without having to have an argument.

Post # 16
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

We dont really fight but do have deep conversations between us. There is never yelling or blaming which I like but I wont say we are perfect we just handle it more on neutral basis and break everything down. I have been in relationships with the passion of arguments but I prefer it this way.

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