(Closed) Fighting Over Where We Will Live Once Married

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Definitely keep talking about it, and decide (honestly) before you get married. And once a decision is made that you both agree to, drop the resentment. We had big moving choices to make when we got married, and I won’t lie, that first six months was rough. Both parties need to be on board with whatever final decision is made. That means he can’t live in the burbs and complain every day, or you can’t agree to live in the city and then make digs about it or constantly talk about better places to check out. 

Maybe a compromise of a year in the city and then a year in the 30-60 mile radius in apartments to have a ‘test period’ for both places would work. Then you can both have your experiences in each place, and have a solid base to compare and contrast when deciding about houses and where to raise a family. Marriage is all about compromise, and learning to honestly listen to each person’s point of view and giving in on points that aren’t so imporant to you is the first part of compromise, actually living it out without complaint because you both decided fairly is the second (and, IMO, harder) part. 

Post # 5
Member
1400 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Marriage is about compromise. We’re moving to the largest city in another country thousands of miles away after the wedding so that I can go back to graduate school. He’s never been there, but he’s willing to try it. We’ve agreed that if he hates it, we’ll look for another place to live after I finish this degree. 

 

I think it’s important that you guys talk and find something that works for both of you. Remember, and remind him, that you don’t necessarily need to buy a house and decide on one play for forever right now. You can rent and keep your options open to see where jobs and life take you.

Post # 6
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

We lived where our jobs were, so I would say to move near that. If we lived out where there were nice homes (not in the city), our commutes would be hellish.

Post # 7
Member
356 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Thats tough.  I am a suburban girl.  If you put me in a rural neighborhood I would die of bordem, but if you put me in the city I would die of anxiety.  I’m not sure what city you live in, but if it’s anything like Chicago, there are suburbs that are really close to Chicago, that still feel like you are living in the city but definately not as intense, and honestly how often was he planning on visiting his family? Every day? I think a 30 min drive to see them isn’t bad.

Also, if you are buying a home he needs to keep in mind what the public school system is like.  Most big cities have horrible schools, that is why most people move out to the burbs to have families.

Just keep talking about it, try to listen to what he needs, present what you need most, and then compromise.

Post # 8
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

There needs to be a compromise on his end. You are saying you will move out of the country and asking he be 30 mins from a city. He should be okay with that. If he can’t compromise on something like that, then you should be wondering what else he will not compromise over in the future.

Post # 9
Member
3176 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

After over a year of being married and 7 of being together this is still something we discuss. We are from different states which are very different and 14 hours away from each other. We live in my preferred area now and I know he’s not a fan for the same reasons you say you aren’t to move to where he is. We discussed what the best choice was by looking at necessity…IE. Better job market/money/schools/family/etc. It was still a rough choice and it’s still something we discuss. I continue to remain open to moving and we often discuss it. It’s all about what works for you.

I know I’ve read countless posts from people who say if you have an issue like this the marriage won’t work but I completely disagree. It’s all about compromise and being grown ups about it. You have to do what works for you. Good Luck!

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