Fighting with FI. Why does he think it's okay to ask me this?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
8701 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Even if you did, so what? You’re with him now and your sexual past is your sexual past. it isn’t going to be repeated, what’s done is done and even if you did have sex with whomever, what’s it going to change? Admitting it or talking about it isn’t going to make it not have happened.

 

Sounds like he has some insecurity issues.

 

Post # 4
Member
1721 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

🙁 I’m sorry.  I have a lot of guy friends so I used to struggle when my exes would just assume if we’re friends I slept with him. So I know how frusturating it is. ::hugs::

Post # 5
Hostess
11469 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

@BakerBee16:  I agree with @Hyperventilate, big time insecurity issues that have little to nothing to do with you.

I have many long time male friends and every once in a while a few of us get together for dinner and often DH doesn’t go, gasp! Never once after meeting any of these male friends (some even are overtly flirtatious) has he asked about history between us. Because it is just that, history. Romantic or platonic history is all the same and unless your actions have lead him to believe that something more will occur there is no reason to dwell on the past.

Post # 6
Member
3360 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I think if he really wants to know, you should be open with him.  *BUT* I don’t think it should matter.  You two need to have a conversation about why it would matter and what the results will be after having that conversation.  Will it help him to know every guy you’ve ever been sexually involved with?  Or will it just make him obsessive and jealous?  It’s likely the latter.  What should matter is your present trust in each other and your relationship, and your trust in your future.  Have you both been tested for STIs? (if not, this is a legitimate concern – ya know, basically “what are you bringing from your past into our present sexual relationship?”) Do you trust that you are now monogamous with each other, and will be from now on?  If the answer to those questions is yes, it shouldn’t matter what’s in your sexual pasts.

Post # 7
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

You guys need to sit down and have an actual conversation about your (both of you) sexual history. 

Talk about whether you both WANT to know everything, why and why not, what that knowledge would mean and how that might affect the relationship.

Then if he does want to know your entire history (and share his too if you want him too) then you can share it. If he then knows everything he’ll never have to ask that question again will he? 

OR

If he comes to the realisation that he has no good reason for wanting to know and that the knowledge might actually negatively affect you – then he will have to stop asking that question.

Post # 8
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@BakerBee16:  have you ever calmly asked him to please stop? If not I think it’s a bit unfair to fly off the handle at him about it. Maybe he is insecure or maybe he is just curious. Either way, calmly tell him how it makes you feel and request that he stop doing it then move on from there.

Post # 9
Member
1634 posts
Bumble bee

@BakerBee16:  I get the same questions ocassionaly from FI, but he is teasing me/curious about my amount of “experience”. Sometimes I’ll tell him but most times I respond with “what’s it to you?”. I dont ask about his past women because it really doesnt affect our lives. I’d be super pissed if I was you because he’s acting like a child about it. Thats not OK. Its YOUR past and you can tell if you want, but why does he care? and why does he ask about every random dude you know… thats offensive!

Post # 10
Member
6960 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@BakerBee16:  I totally agree with you. I mean, clearly he has some real hardcore insecurities, but asking that question EVERY TIME a guy is brought up basically insinuates he thinks you might have slept with every man that crossed your path. 

Was he a virgin or not have much of a past sexual history before you? That’s the only reason I can think of for being so obsessed with your past. Even so… my SO had very VERY little experience with women before me and he doesn’t give one flying fuck about who I’ve been with. But he’s a fairly secure, easy going person anyway. 

I would try to have a conversation with him when you’re not angry. Ask why he askes that and if he thinks you would really sleep with just anyone. If you’re comfortable giving him a number or names, then do it, but you are by no means obligated to and I honestly don’t know if that would help. God forbid you slept with a Dave once and ohmygawd your friends mentioned a Dave was at the party last week!!!! You need to make it clear to him that it makes you feel like he has a really poor opinion of you and that he’s not secure in your relationship. This is really not healthy. 

Post # 11
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee

I’m shocked couples my generation don’t always go through entire sexual histories before becoming intimate.  I’d never have sex with anyone without knowing who all they slept with and both of us undergoing a compete STD screening.  In this day and age 80% of adults in the US carry HPV.  It’s not about jealously, it’s about a basic concern for health.

Post # 12
Member
9 posts
Newbee

SO has never asked me anything like that. I told him when we met that all of my best/closest friends are male (have known them all since middle school), and that he would need to be able to accept that if we were going to work.

An ex and I had a LDR and he was extremely jealous of any male I would even talk to. Calling me names and accusing me of cheating every second. He was very insecure. That was why it was so important to me to find someone that could accept my friendships.

If current SO were to ask me in a casual conversation about past relationships, I would openly talk about it..but always being asked would get irritating, considering what I’ve had to deal with from exes.

Post # 13
Member
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@BakerBee16:  Has he been upfront with you about his sexual history? Have you ever asked him? If there is an imbalance in your sexual histories and he repeatedly nags you about yours, then this is an insecurity he needs to get over. If he’s left you in the dark about his past and questioning you about your past, then he is being a complete ass. 

FWIW, I do not know the entirety of my husband’s past relationships, but I do not care. Even if we lived in the same state as the women he’s dated, I STILL wouldn’t care. He MARRIED me. I win. The end. 

Post # 15
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Lol, WISE OLD BEE here

I presume this comes up because you’ve already told him stuff about your “sexual history”

What you did as a single person and with whom (as long as both of you were legally consenting) is in the past

And consequently NONE OF HIS BUSINESS

What is owed (and only what is owed) between a couple who decide to have an intimate relationship is any MEDICAL type info in regards to their Sexual History*

— — —

* Mr TTR’s & my talk went like this.

ME – “I am a condom girl… as they say NO GLOVE = NO LOVE”

HE – “I have no problem with that”

(he later told me he was happy to hear I was concerned about my sexual health… and inturn that meant his.  He doesn’t judge people who have “casual” sexual relationships, he just tends to be more of a relationship person, as am I.)

I also am the one who set the pace.  (Lol truth be told men are just happy to have sex more than not).  So it was only after we both got totally checked out medically with a clean bill of health, and some time later that our sex life got a bit “spicier”.  (Lol, and he was a very happy boy when that happened !!)

— — —
So IMO, if it isn’t REQUIRED MEDICAL SHARING…

Then Everything else is YOUR BUSINESS

There are Bees who will tell you that it pays to be 100% open with the man you love about all your past relationships (kissing, canoodling, sex… Your Number, their Names, What you did, Number of Times, etc)

I am not that Bee

At my age (over 50), I’ve seen that type of info to go on and hurt a relationship.

With either partner having too much time to think about it, dwell on it… let it eat at them.

It is part of JELOUSLY & ENVY.  And they are not pretty characteristics in a partner.

I don’t even advocate that a couple should share “their number” as it truly IS NOT RELATIVE TO THE RELATIONSHIP THAT THEY HAVE NOW

NOW is now

The Past is THE PAST

Period

You need to tell your guy that he needs to get over this… and get past it.  Not reveal more stuff about you and what you may or may not have done with others in the past.

He needs to realize that ALL THAT doesn’t truly matter TO THE TWO OF YOU

Otherwise it will destroy the two of you.  Plain & simple… IT WILL HAPPEN (which is exactly WHY you’ll find Jealously & Envy listed in the 10 Deadly Sins… they will KILL OFF any hope of happiness)

My Best Advice…

Have this talk, then give him some time to adjust.

If he ever brings it up again… remind him of the talk… and how his asking you makes this degrading to your Relationship and the importance that it has now in your life

Last chance

He does it a second time…

Time to go.  Time to move on and find a man who will LOVE YOU for the WHOLE WOMAN that you are NOW IN LIFE

And ya, that is going to include all your experiences… to make you the AMAZING INCREDIBLE PERSON YOU ARE TODAY

Hope this helps,

(( HUGS ))

* I Edited my post a bit, if you read it earlier, you might want to read it again.

 

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