fighting with fiancé 2 nights before wedding..ADVICE PLEASE

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
314 posts
Helper bee

this is me speaking from experience: if he’s procrastinating right now on this HUGE, MOST IMPORTANT EVENT OF YOUR LIVES- then he will always procrastinate in the future. You were too nice to him and he knows he can get away with it now and he’ll try to call you a nagger if you ever complain in the future. This was a jerk move on his part but complaining will only cause problems right now. So you have to suck it up and push thru this wedding best you can, I’m sorry.

After the wedding you need to have a serious no-bullshit talk about his procrastination. There’s NO compromise on this, you’re a team now and he needs to step it up. You will not have children if you’re the only one being responsible and getting things done. And you need to be FIRM on this! He’s going to agree to work on it and kinda work on it, then eventually fall back into procrastinator mode- and you have a right to be a bitch about it, it’s annoying as hell! Keep calendars everywhere, dry erase board reminders, post-its, text and email him, and nag him all you have to. Then be super nice and happy when things get done. Training is hard work, good luck!

Post # 4
Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

tkala:  If he always procrastinates and has poor time management, it sounds like the wedding is overwhelming him a bit (the organisation part I mean). Not to be stereotypical but quite often us girls can get our shit together in these situations a lot better than guys can!

If you’ve only been planning since July that’s quite a short time frame so i’m not surprised at all that you guys are finding it stressful! If you guys don’t normally fight a lot, it’s probably all just due to craziness of the wedding build up, especially given how close you are to your big day.

I’m sure all of that angst and tension will melt away come your wedding day! Yes it’s definitely frustrating when guys drag their feet and take forever to get stuff done, but as long as he does get it done, try not to let it bug you – be very clear with him about what needs to be done and then leave him to it (for your sake, let him carry some of the stress!).

Deep breaths, it will all be ok and very soon you will be MARRIED! (yay!) and you can look back on all of this and hopefully have a bit of a laugh!

Post # 5
Member
1432 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

You should probably stop expecting him to change and start accepting him for who he is. We all have faults. And I think you are probably blaming him for things in the wedding that are going wrong that are really both your faults or no ones fault- don’t go down a freak out spiral!

Post # 6
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

tkala:  I feel your pain. My dh and I fought badly the day before our wedding. In our case, there were people interfering telling him he should be taking them to the beach (nevermind that our vows weren’t finalised) and telling him where he should be and what he should be doing instead of helping me with the final prep. So yip we fought a lot, got to the point where I pulled him aside and told him people don’t make decisions for me, him or us. In the end, our day was wonderful. Once he got his phone back that the bestman had taken and hidden so he couldn’t message me. I spent my morning crying until he got his phone and I got a single message from him. That one message turned it all around and all I could do was smile.

I know it is hard but try focus on the positive of the day that is coming not the stupid stuff you are angry about in the moment.

Post # 7
Member
2222 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1987

Do you need to postpone the wedding?  Wishing to cold shoulder your fiance 2 days before your wedding isn’t a positive sign.

If you are so busy why are you online writing long messages?

Have you thought of using paragraphs?

Post # 8
Member
888 posts
Busy bee

It sounds frustrating but I imagine he procrastinates because he does eventually get things done on time? Its a terrible habit to get into and I did at university -always waiting til the last minute to write and submit assignments. The problem was I never changed because I always got them done on time, even if it was a rush, and always got a good mark. It wasn’t until I was about to submit my final assignment (3 hours before deadline) and realised I’d made a huge mistake and had to go over everything that I really started to panic about it getting done. I did submit it on time (thank god) but it changed my whole perspective and since then I do things as soon as they are set! Unfortunately the worst time to make a mistake would be before the wedding!

My advice, if he doesnt learn the hard way, is to set him deadlines that are way before the date they actually need doing e.g if you need to him to write christmas cards before the 18th dec, tell him you need them written for the 10th dec because you are posting then and no later. Also explain to him that although you know he gets things done, it causes you major stress and anxiety and often you feel the need to do it yourself so that things are done early. If anything should get through to him, it should be the stress he feels he is putting on you. 

For now forget about it and enjoy your wedding! The two of you can sort this out at a later time.

Post # 9
Member
2132 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Weddings are super stressful- this is really normal.  Just take a second to breathe.  Things WILL go wrong at your wedding- there isn’t such a thing as a completely flawless wedding, but what really matters is the commitment you are about to make and all the people you love their to support you.  Be willing to let things go, and not to let anything ruin the day for you!

In terms of time management- my husband and I are the same way, and it definitely causes some arguements occasionally, because we each think totally different.  It is just something you will have to continue to work on and find better ways of communicating the way each of you feels.  I find that for us, having an organized and strict schedule of when things have to be done keeps us on the same page a little better.  

Post # 10
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

tkala:  You’re both stressed and emotional and this is pretty normal. My advice is to 1) Go have a glass of wine and breathe. 2) Go to your fiance, apologize for getting worked up (no, it’s not your fault, but it’s not his either. He should’ve planned better but no one likes to be told they failed). 3) Make a list together of what is left to be done. Then make a timeline of what will get done and when.

For example, maybe he’ll run out tomorrow morning to get the alcohol while you print some programs (or don’t, you don’t NEED them) and make seating arrangements.

This close to the wedding can be stressful for anyone. And it can be easy to blame the other person and get frustrated. Just keep in mind you’re marrying the man you love, you know he procrastinates, he doesn’t do it to hurt you or because he doesn’t care about the wedding.

You have a busy day ahead of you so when you BOTH are finished I suggest cuddling up, with some coffee or tea or wine, and write your vows. Write them while you’re thinking about all the craziness that is going on but it’s all worth it to spend your lives together!

Post # 11
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

The thing is I don’t blame either one of you for being stressed. You have only been planning since July. No matter how big or small, weddings take some time to plan depending on how intricate you want to do, and it sounds like you have a lot of projects to get done. I think, in that respect, you both have some poor time management skills.

First, give him some credit for getting it done. Yeah, late, but better than never. Second, set aside a time to sit down and create what is the most important. Signs? Might not be that important. Programs? Depends. Those were important to me, so that’s what I’d do first. If he chooses not to sit down with you, just tell him, “I am disappointed that you aren’t helping me” and do the project yourself. You’re letting him know how you feel, but also getting your project done.

Weddings are stressful, and you didn’t leave yourselves any time to plan and had a lot on your plate. And if he isn’t a time management guy, this is probably throwing him over the edge.

And at the end of the day it’s a wedding, a party. You’ll be married whether the programs are done and the signs get put out.

Post # 12
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016 - Charleston, SC

Supersleuth:  I really don’t see the point of being rude to the OP. She’s clearly stressed and I doubt your snarky comments are helping at all. Also, this post was written 10 hours ago. Idk where the OP lives, but at my house it was almost midnight so it’s very possible that it was too late to be doing anything for her wedding. Maybe I’m just in a bad mood today, but i find your comments annoying and inappropriate.

OP, take a deep breath and have a glass of wine! Your wedding is tomorrow…yay! I’m not even going to try to advise you or pretend I know what it’s like at crunch time for such a big event, and I can imagine your FI is so so infuriating with his procrastination. Do you have other family members or friends who can help alleviate some stress? The vows are the important part…maybe you and he can sit down and get those written if they’re not done yet and remember the reasons that you love each other and why you’re getting married in the first place.

Your wedding will be beautiful no matter what, although I truly hope he gets his act together and helps you pull it off 😉 congratulations!

tkala:  

Post # 13
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Something like this happened with us about two weeks or so before the wedding… I had to sit down and speak to then FI about this issue. I showed him some information about ALL of the things I was responsible for and what I still had left to do. I was in tears myself. I told him I was stressed and I was only asking him to handle these few things for the wedding. I expressed that I usually trust him to just step up, but for some reason he was not doing it this time. I also expressed that this made me wonder if in the future he would just slack off and expect me to handle everything. No wonder I felt like I had to do almost everything on my own for the wedding, etc. He went from being mad to feeling guilty and apologized. He got right to taking care of EVERYTHING that he was supposed to take care of for the wedding and completed it all with time to spare. 

I am a bit surprised that you let him get to two days before without taking care of these things. If you do everything now and allow him to get away with it, this will be a never-ending cycle. I think that men can forget how important it is to handle certain things in a timely manner. Also, the wedding day tends to be of greater importance to us. Even when they have an opinion about the wedding, it is not as major as it is to us. My DH said a few times that we could go do the paperwork so we could be married already. I hope everything has worked out for you. Try to enjoy your day no matter what. In the big schemes of things, this is not as bad as you think (you may even laugh at all of this one day). As long as you get married your day is successful! 

Post # 14
Member
2428 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

My husband and I bickered a lot in the couple weeks leading up to the wedding. It got to the point where we were saying, let’s just try not to kill each other before the wedding, kay? It’s a super heightened emotional and stressful time for you both. But I wouldn’t look so much into his procrastination with these wedding tasks as an indication of your future together.. guys tend to look more at the big picture, which is getting to marry your favorite person in the whole world! 

My husband wasn’t as involved and hands-on as I would’ve liked throughout the planning process, but on our day none of that even mattered. No feelings of resentment that I was sure I’d feel ever even crossed my mind. When I looked at him, all I felt was complete joy that we were now married. You’ll get through this. You only have one more day. Do what you can, and whatever doesn’t get done, doesn’t. Good luck and best wishes!

Post # 15
Member
2222 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1987

Just talk to him.

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