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From the moment his mother found out that he was going to propose, she was livid. She sobbed and sobbed and told him that "he could do whatever the hell he wanted to do." She even said that he should have bought her a diamond before he bought me one. She has always been a mean, jealous and manilpulative person but despite that I have always tried so hard to get her to like me, I buy her gifts, do favors for her, even took food to her family when her father was dying and created teh programs for his funeral. We have had an off and on, long distance relationship for 10 years now, and she still doesn't treat me well. She sees me as the enemy, the person who is taking her son from her and she is so jealous that sometimes I wonder if she knows that she is his mother and not his grilfriend.
All these years he refused to acknoledge her behavior until recently because she has become 10 times worse now that we are engaged. I tried to extend an olive branch and invite he rto be part of the weddign planning and she took it an beat me with it. She immediately took over and started tossing out my ideas and proclaiming what we must have because she wanted it. She would go behind my back and tell my fiance that my ideas were tacky and we shouldn't go with them and then he and I would fight about it.
She gets upset with him, tells him things, then when I confront her, she adamantly denies it all to the point of throwing her only child under the bus. I have tried to talk to her as an adult as has my own mother, but she thinks and behaves like a child. She lies and denies anything and everything and refuses to take blame for anything. We don't even fight about the wedding, all we fight about is her.
I am so frustrated and even though every chance I give her she makes me regret it deeply, he doesn't care he says I have to keep allowing her back in. She gives fake apologies and tells him she is changing and every time he believes her so he forces me to take all her crap again. Well, we had another blow out fight about her again and I cussed at him and said some mean things. He told me he didn't want to marry me and he won't talk to me now. I am devastated but the horrible part is that we have a HUGE couple's shower being thrown for us this coming saturday and because he refuses to talk to me, I dont know what do to. The shower is one issue but I don't know what to do overall.
I don't know if I can take playing her mean games for the rest of my life. And he is always manipulated by her, I can never win, I am always the bad guy. Help, what do I do??? My heart is breaking.
Val
Sounds like an awful situation! Personally I'd be thinking twice about marrying into this family, especially since it sounds like your FI isn't really on your side. I'd cancel the couples shower (saying you are sick or something like that, since you probably need some time to think things through without everyone knowing why) and try to spend some real time with your FI. It sounds like he is choosing his mother over you, which is awful but possibly for the best if this is what you have to look forward to! If he wants to marry you and have a good marriage, you need to come first. Good luck!
I'm so sorry this is happening! Try approaching him in a non-confrontational way(maybe write him an email). Tell him how much you love him, and why you want to marry him, but also tell him you can't take much more of her behavior and that He has to make a decision about your relationship because you are not willing to put up with her crap anymore. If he does not love you enough to stand up to her and pick you.. then he doesn't deserve you. :-( Hang in there- don't let her run your life. *HUGS*
Oh honey that sounds terrible! It is so sad too that he would rather be his mother's child first and a husband second. If it were me I wouldn't marry into that because I feel I'm not just marrying the man, but also his family.
It looks like you have been with this guy for awhile now. Maybe all three of you could go into family counseling and try to work out some of the issues?
I lost a fiance to this sort of situation many years ago. He ultimately was forced by his mother to choose and he chose her. In hindsight, it was the best thing, but in the short term it was devastating.
Feel free to PM if you want to talk more.
I don't mean to be hurtful, but why would you want to marry a man who would allow you to be treated like this and not stand up for you? This whole thing reveals a lot about his character. Run for the hills, girl.
I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I know first hand what a mannipulative MIL can be liek to deal with. Probably not to the full extent of what you're going through. But I know it can be tough. I don't know about the whole having to deal with her just because she's your MIL.
Even though it's going to literally kill you, I suggest waiting (like a day or two at the very most). You both need to calm down and collect yourselves. Then when you & him are willing to talk. Talk all of these issues, that you have with the mother and try to also see it from his perspective, that's his mother. Now I don't know what was said and things sound like they got way out of hand, but you need to address the problems with his mother and him. At the same time he needs to respect you. You are going to be his wife, he needs to be supportive of you, even though he is put in the middle, you have to think ultimately who is he going to marrying you/ his mother? You also need to ask yourself, and I know how hard this one is and it brings tears to me even thinking about it again. But you need to sit down and think, is this the life that you want? Because right now it's the wedding, but later on it will be including kids (if you guys have one/more), or the way that you live your lives.
Again, I'm soo sorry that you are going through this. Just try to remember that everything happens for a reason. Who knows maybe this will bring you two closer together than ever before. HUGE HUGE HUGS!!! I hope everything goes well. Keep us posted when you can. You have a lot on your mind and in your hands right now.
I second EmeraldR. If he can't stand up to her on your behalf now, he's not going to start. You said it's been 10 years since you've been together - if she's had 10 years to get used to you and this is still how she treats you, I suggest you cut ties. I know that sounds horribly insensitive, but it seems like if you stay with him, you'll be fighting an uphill battle for the rest of your life - and frankly, life has enough uphill battles in store for us. I wouldn't be adding her to my plate.
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry that this is happening. I'll be honest: I could not marry this man. At least not any time soon. From what you've described, it doesn't seem that he is respecting you. I think that marrying someone means that you're ready to make that person your #1. It sounds like his mother has always been #1 and may continue to be so until he sees how she is affecting his relationships.
Valentina, really think about what the other bees have already pointed out. The woman who would have been my MIL played all those same exact games. For two years this went on (I give you major kudos for going as long as you have!!) until she finally asked him to choose, her or me. It was awful as I was standing right there. He chose me, she left the house and we haven't heard from her since. Its been two years and she is not coming to our wedding nor will she be part of our lives. In my mind when she forced him to choose I had thought to myself this is it. If he doesn't stand up for me I will quietly (and extremely painfully) leave. I never told him that those were my thoughts but I knew, and know, that the man I want to be partnered with, will be exactly that MY partner. I also knew that if I caved to her even just once it would never end. she would continue to try to make my life as miserable as she felt. Life is too short and while I love my FI with everything I am, I love myself more (sorry I couldn't resist a SATC quote). There is no way that I would let anyone disrespect me or have my children witness such treatment. Later he told me that this was a trend with his mother. whenever his relationships got serious, she would get crazy, mean, jealous, and possessive. He knew that at some point when it really counted that she would make him choose. I truly wish it all could have been different but she left no room for any growth between us despite our best efforts. I feel fortunate enough to know he loves and values me as much as he does and truthfully while I love him absolutely madly, I wouldn't settle for less. You have been so kind and patient until this point. I hope your FI will recognize this and see that if he lets his mother get away with this behavior he may be looking at a very difficult future. I am so sorry that you are going through this as I know first hand how painful it is. good luck to you and remember your worth!!
I'm so sorry :(. I believe the man must be a husband 1st. If he's not willing to stand up for you, than you deserve way better. My advice is he probably said those things on the spur of the moment, so give it some time & then call & let him know you're sorry for how you acted (well, that is if you are sorry) & that you need to talk in person. You need to let him know that you need to be put 1st in his life. You are going to become one & you need to work as a team. Tell him you feel he puts his mom 1st & that you need to be 1st in his life. And, that you are putting him 1st, that he is more important to you than other family & friends & work & etc. Let him know it doesn't mean he can't ever talk to his mom, but what you need from him. Also, I wouldn't be super nice to her anymore... just ignore her antics if at all possible & avoid seeing her unless she apologizes or actually does change. Don't put her in charge of anything (wedding related or not) & don't confront her about stuff about your FI. It just gives her more opportunities to be mean to you.
This is all in my opinion thou, & hopefully some of it helps you!
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this. Actually my sister was in the same position as you were now. At that time, my advice to her was "why does it matter how his mom treats you. Does he treat you good? It's not like you are marrying his mom" So they got married because I think her husband-to-be treats her like a princess. But today, sadly, they have separated.
I now think it really depends on your fiance. If he can be the moderator between you and your mom, the medium between you and his mom then go for it. Ultimately, even if your MIL can upset you a lot as long as he cheers you up everytime it happens and can act as a pacifier between your relationship with his MIL then I think you will still have a happy marriage.
Sorry.....whatever you decide, it will work out for the best 
My Husband said to his mother that the way she was treating me was forcing him to choose since i was so uncomfortable. He then told her she would not like the outcome of that situation. Things have been better ever since.
think about it, are you afraid that he wouldn't choose you? 10 years is a long time! Long enough for him to fall into some bad habits! Make sure you dont attack her- just explain how what she says and does hurts you and how you dont feel like you can be in this enviornment anymore. just remember she is the one making him choose, since you have obviously tried to extend the olive branch.
I am truly sorry you have to go thru this. It seems that you have put up with alot. I was married to a man who always put "his" family first. It came to a point where I tolerated it because of my love for him. In the long run "his" famiy won.
What I suggest you do is speaking with him calmly and express your love for him. But also tell him what you expect from a husband. If he loves you, and I am sure he does he will do everything in his power to change the situation. He needs to be man enough to let his mother know he wants you in his life and she needs to respect the relationship and you.
If he is not willing to do that now, he never will be. As devastating it may be you may have to postpone or call it off until he decides what he wants. It's better now then going thru the pain later.
Be strong! Hugs!
I agree with the previous posts, I would be weary of marrying this man. Although our families are important, he needs to stand up for his wife if his mother is acting unfairly. I think you will just keep getting frustrated, even after the wedding is over, because it sounds like he can't let go. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I would maybe try to talk to him about this once you both calm down and see if maybe you can get through to him. If not, unfortunately I would walk away :(
I'm so sorry you're in this position. She souds like a very controlling woman who has an extremely unhealthy relationship with her son. I wouldn't marry a man who can't stand up for you and it sounds like he can't. In a marriage you need to put our spouse first and both he and his mother need to understand that. I'd talk to him and let him know that this cannot continue. If you two want to have a healthy marriage you probably need to seek couples counseling to deal with this. If he's unwilling to marry you because you aren't getting along with his mother, run fast. This is not something you want to deal with for the rest of your life. I know it sounds harsh, but if he can't put you before his mother there is something seriously wrong with their relationship and you don't want to marry a man like that.
To me all the points the bee's have made so far are really really great but from what I skimmed over no one has brought up kids (assuming you guys wants kids). I think you need to come to some sort of super solid position and understanding and really make sure it sticks because what happens if you two can sort of piece this together now and make it work but then along come her grandkids, it's only going to get worse. I would imagine it would be an even bigger nightmare and god forbid she gets jealous of them the way she gets with you. It sounds like a nightmare and it's a bit strange that he keeps giving her these chances. At some point he's got to stand beside you and support you otherwise it's simply not a cohesive unit working together between husband and wife it's them against you and really what kind of relationship is that.
Honestly, I am being very honest. I know that right now it hurts because you gave this man ten years of your life, but he obviously needs to either stand up for you and stand by your side or you need to move on and find someone who is not afraid of telling his mother to stand down. Would you honestly want to be married to this man for years as his mother is constantly belittling you? I think that you ought to diplomatically tell him that even though you love him and are thinking of him and the things you have done for his family, he needs to stand by your side side and finally stop this behavior with his mom. The more he lets her act this way the more you are going to be put down by her. If not, then I know as much as it hurts, you may have to let him loose because you should not have to go through this drama. If you leave, it may look like she won but in hindsight you would have because you proved that you are no one to be pushed around and your fiance will realize what a treasure he left behind who put up with his and HER bull.
I'm so sorry. I've seen friends go through this, and my own mother was in a similar position with her MIL. She was NEVER treated well, and it was very painful.
It won't get easier once you get married, in fact...it will probably become her mission to ruin your marriage. If your man is not willing to stand up now, he won't later, either. That means that forever, she will manipulate you, tell you how to run your home, how to raise your children if you have them...EVERYTHING.
I've seen this far too many times and it never has ended well. Your only hope is if he stands up to her, and it doesn't sound like he is willing or able. Is this the kind of dad you want for your kids, and do you want to be the kind of mother that your kids see abused? Even if you don't have children, do you want others to see you abused this way?
Even though you can't see it right now, he is actually doing you a huge favor. Eventually, you will be able to sigh a HUGE sigh of relief.
As far as the shower, ask whomever is throwing it for you to postpone it. Tell them you are sick, if you must.
My guess, if it is a friend throwing you the party, she will be RELIEVED, as all of the people who care about you will be.
No man is worth abuse, from the man or from his mother!
Sorry you are going through this I can feel your pain. My FI's mother use to be this way towards me, I met her a few years ago and she tried to get in between us all the time and told my fiance that I was stealing him away from her and he was picking me over her. We fought about it and took a break from each other, I moved back with my mom and let his mom stay with him but he realized how much he missed me and his mother was wrong. So he had me come back and his mom moved out. That clearly showed that he genuinely loved me because he stuck up for me to his own mother and he's her only son. When I started planning our wedding she would make comments to me like 'well, he can do whatever he wants with his life' after me telling her how excited I am to finally get married. So rude. I told my FI how much her comments hurt me and he made her apologize to me! That is what your man is suppose to do for you! If he doesnt now for you then you cant marry him and go on like this, he will always be a mama's boy if he doesnt wake up and know how to be there for his wife
I'm sorry for what you're going through, but I think it might be for the best. Why would you even want to marry a man who won't stand up for you?
I'm sorry that it is like this. I really don't know if you want to be in that relationship, especially if your FI won't stand up for you. I'm not saying that he has to call his mother evil or anything but it sounds like he doesn't listen to your concerns about the relationship and just takes his mom's word for everything.
Ouch, this does not sound like a healthy mother/son relationship at all. She was expecting a diamond ring from her son?! Is she a single mom and he's her only son?
I'm sorry you've had to put up with her for so many years! Do you think your FI would be up for some couples counseling (assuming he didn't truly mean what he said)? An impartial 3rd party/professional telling him that is mother is abusive (to both of you, in my opinion) might help make it more clear to him.
you should marry someone that puts you first. if he doesn't, then it's time to move on.. and not look back!
agreed. the person you marry comes before your parents. Otherwise, NOT HEALTHY. You don't want to feel like you're always going to take backseat to his mommy.
Aww, hun, I'm so sorry :( This is awful.
Whenever I hear about girls marrying into families that don't even try to be nice and respectful to them, I wonder what I would do in their situation. With yours, I would run ... and fast, because it's one thing to put up with abuse from a family member if your FI agrees it's wrong and sticks up for you and keeps your time together with the family member scarce. It's another thing completely if my FI never stood up for me at all and didn't understand how terribly wrong this was.
Even if you truly love him, I honestly think you'll be much happier in the long run without this mother (and I hate saying it, your FI) in your life. Unless your FI can make some drastic changes in the next few days, I would consider the possibility of breaking it off. And you know what? It wouldn't be your fault. You've tried so hard, and you deserve better.
Bless your heart. Hugs to you.
You need to sit down and talk to FI. He needs to stand up to him. It is not okay for her to treat you that way and it is not okay for FI to allow this to go on.
He needs to choose you over his Mom BEFORE you get married. Its only going to get worse when you have kids.
You two need to run, not walk, to the nearest therapist. Honestly, this is his mother, so changing the dynamic between them is going to be tough. The fact that he hasn't done anything about this situation over the last 10 years proves that he's not going to be able to do it on his own, or with just proding from you. I won't go so far as to say you need to end things now, but you need a professional on your side to help him see how destructive and manipulative she's being. If he's not willing to go, or doesn't see the light and start making a real effort to change things ... well, that's when you need to accept that this is the way it will always be, and decide whether you can live with that or not.
My thoughts go out to you, I hope the situation gets better soon.
I personally think it would be a good idea to reevaluate your relationship with him, in context of his mother, who clearly has a massive amount of power over him. Good luck.
My thoughts are with you. I hope you come back here and seek our support, as well as the support of a therapist for yourself at least, even if your fiance is not willing to go to one with you. ((((HUGS)))
You poor, poor divil.
Head for the hills, chick. Get outta there. At the VERY least, cancel shower, postpone wedding and ask him if he will go to couples counselling.
If he dithers at all, makes any excuses, or just doesn't want to go, then he clearly does not get how big this is, how important your mental health and happiness should be to him. If he is willing to go, then there's a chance for you as a couple, but to be honest I think you deserve better.
My friend, S, married a mama's boy: he'd never bothered leaving home, they lived with his mother after getting married. His mother interfered continually, and the current situation is horrendous, including violence, and his mom even stands up for him! They have brainwashed my friend to actually believe now that she (S) drives him to it!
I'm not for a second saying your man would turn out like this, or that men who love their mammies are not ok - my man adores his mam, but that's ok cos she loves me too - but your MIL should be a loving support to your marriage. And you really don't want to have childen together in this situation. How many of your ideas and values for parenting do you think would actually survive?
No, babe. Don't put yourself through this. She is responsible for her actions: he for his: and you for yours. You need to look out for yourself. Hugs.
This is awful! I am so sorry you have to deal with this.
Something similar happened to my sister and I remember how ugly the whole situation became. Her fiance's mom completely changed gears once they got engaged. My sister was a wreck and she didn't even care. Despite how hard it might be, I really have to agree with the previous commenters: if he can't stand up for you and support you, then you need to reconsider the whole relationship. And the fact that he won't talk to you when his mom is making you the enemy is a huge red flag for me.
I really hope you can work everything out.
Ladies,
Thank you all so very much for your kind words, advice and support. In this tornado of confusion and sadness anything helps.
We tried to go to counseling and he said he was goign to protect me from her but he he just couldn't go through with it. The fighting remained and a lot of other issues arose and it all resulted in me giving the ring back on saturday.
I am devastated and feel dead inside. To make matters worse he won't even speak to me now. I just am at a complete loss.
Valentina, I am so, so sorry. Hopefully you will be able to look back on this soon and see it as a bullet you are happy to have dodged. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry to hear that, super hug! You are very strong to have done that and I wish you the best
Big hug, Valentina! Just remember that as devastated as you feel right now...you won't feel that way forever. It will take some time but stay strong! Do you have friends and family close by?
I'm so glad you were willing to stand up for yourself and do what is best for you. Life choices can sometimes be painful, but in the long run, you will get through this. You deserve a relationship and marriage that is built on trust, love and support of each other. All families must start with "the unit of two," and then three, four, or five if there are children. Once you are strong as a unit of two, then you can branch out from there. Everyone else outside your "unit of two" must come second! If that is not the case, problems will always arise, and I know this from personal experience. Please accept my best wishes and hugs as you work through this.
I am so sorry to hear this. I hope that in the end this was the best (although extremely difficult) decision to make.
Honestly this was a blessing in disguise for you. As hard as it may be this will be a lot easier than marrying in to this hot mess. You need someone who will put you #1, someone who won't blink an eye at standing up for you, etc. You deserve this. No questions asked.
He has NO right to tell you to be a doormat with his mom and allow her to continue to treat you guys this way...NO RIGHT!
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