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I have had a couple fights with my parents over the budget they are giving us. I am totally like you, I am very grateful because I understand that not everyone has the financial support. However, we got into a fight over wedding food. We are totally ok with layed back family style event and my parents are more the lets throw a nice party kind of people. Both are fine, I just don't see how the budget they gave us is going to work with the things they want. I have done a lot of research and see that a $5k food budget for over 150 people really isn't a lot of money. I understand that it SOUNDS like a lot of money. But really, when you put it all together, its not.
My mom and I have had to step back a couple of times. I also find it much easier to talk to my dad when big decisions/purchases have needed to be made. It will pass, they just need to hear it over and over that you are thankful. Also remember they are giving you this money because they know it will make you happy. Try to be positive and happy about the situation as much as possible.
Hugs, it WILL all work out.
This is a really unfortunate situation to be in, but not surprising, because money often comes with strings attached (especially a large amount like that!) I think your parents might be shocked by how much everything wedding-related costs and feel like you're throwing away their hard-earned money. (I know my mom freaks out at the costs of everything, even though she's not paying for it. She doesn't make me feel guilty, or anything, but is just genuinely shocked how much it all costs!)
I think if you accept your parents' money, you need to involve your mom in the details of the planning rather than just asking for a check when bills need to be paid. It sounds like she feels uninvolved in your life and wedding planning, so include her! Show her different options you're considering, get her feedback, and incorporate it into your decisions. This isn't as ideal as choosing everything yourself, but it's a compromise that needs to be made if you're not paying yourself.
PS Regarding Christmas, if she's upset about not seeing you, could you spend a day with her around the holidays (maybe a few days after christmas or something?) to show her that you do want to spend time with her.
Your mom sounds like my mom. She does the same thing to me, and gives me many many guild trips. She blames my fiance for taking me away from her. lol I can go on and on about what she does but in the end, that's how she feels and I've learned no matter what I say to her or do for her, she'll never be satisfied. If she's anything like my mom, my advice is to just ignore her comments. My mom has made me cry so much because of this wedding that I am almost convinced that she doesn't want me to be happy.
I really sympathize and I hope you find a way to deal with it. I know I certainly haven't found a perfect way.
{HUGS}
@Girlwitharing- I really wish I could :( Right now, the fiance and I live in Tucson, my parents in Texas, and his in Southern California.
This is just so hard because we very rarely fight. My Mom is one of my best friends, and we had a knock down drag out today. I just hate how this event that is supposed to be so happy is making everyone so miserable. Vegas is sounding better by the second. :(
What if you make efforts to come in under budget and show her you are being responsible nad not trying to put extra stress on her. Maybe pay a couple of the early bills yourselves or just plan on spending 15-20k instead?
Where you spend holidays, etc. is a completely different issue but I can see how she feels she is giving you a lot of money and wants to see you both as well. Maybe ozu could do New Years dinner or something with your family?
We had some problems with this early on. My parents didn't give me a budget and they had an idea of the wedding both they and I wanted. We have been handling it one step at a time. Basically, for each item, my dad decides if it is reasonable. If it is, we do it and if it isn't, we look for alternatives. So far he has given me everything I have wanted. Early on my mom was a major pain though. She seemed more concerned about what her friends would think than what I wanted. In the end, I got my way and everyone is happy.
I think the most important thing is to keep a level head, don't get visibly upset in front of them, and don't yell or get angry. Since they are paying, be grateful and when you mom gives you the guilt trip, just say thank you and I appreciate all that you are doing for this wedding.
My FI and I were experiecing the same issue with his mother. After weeks of me calling and checking out the resorts in the area she started worrying about the cost of a resort wedding. I know that I went straight for pricey venues, but I assumed that we would be having a resort wedding because that is where most of the Indian weddings are held in Tucson due to a lack of ballrooms.
Anyway, it seems like the issue will be somewhat resolved soon as we'll be booking the only reasonably priced resort that has allowed us to bring an Indian caterer at his parent's request.
I'm still a little worried about how money issues will effect planning later down the line, especially since his parents have asked me whether my parents could go "50/50" with the ceremony/recpetion cost, even though my parents are paying for the sangeet (pre-wedding party), as well as the accomedations for all 30 of their guests.
His parent's guest list is about 200-250...does it seem fair that my parents pay half of the ceremony/recpetion costs when only a small portion are their guests, while they're paying for the sangeet for their guest too?
Oh pinkchampagne, I think its unfortunate that your parents stated that they'd contribute and are now worrying about the money - I think your right in saying her anger is stemming from being away from home for X-mas. My parents were similar when I spent my first holidays away from home!
I'm sure things will work out. Just keep the lines of communication open and if you find that they can no longer contribute as much as they said they would find ways to stretch your budget, like DIY projects, less flowers, no open bar, etc.
I had a similar situation with my father. He originally agreed to XX amount, then freaked out at the cost of everything and cut the original amount in a third! I find it much much easier to have wedding conversations with my dad via e-mail, we both freak out significantly less! I also agree with an earlier poster who suggested bringing your mom in on the decisions. Maybe she just feels like you ought to be doing this together and its too much just you? Good luck working it out!
Since your parents agreed on a budget of $25K - can you ask that the money be moved into a separate bank account. That way, you can decide where the money goes and if you go over budget you are responsible for it.
I also think that if you try to come in under budget, it might show your mom that you are being responsible and spending wisely.
@Mrs.Louboutin-- "She seemed more concerned about what her friends would think than what I wanted. In the end, I got my way and everyone is happy."
Ditto. This is the reason we are having a sit down dinner vs. a passed hors d'ouvres & dessert reception.
@caszos-- "$5k food budget for over 150 people really isn't a lot of money."
I know! I have the same figure. The only reason I was able to make it happen is because we are using the restaurant at the hotel my mom works at and they gave her a huge employee discount and cut the food cost down 20%, waived the cake cutting fee, and threw in extra hors d'ouvres. Otherwise, I'm not sure I would have been able to do it!
I say, hire a DOC and let him or her be a third-party referee. From what I hear, they're worth every penny when it comes to fights between mothers and daughters.
This happened to us too, but with my father. He offered money but it had strings attached to it that I didn't feel were appropriate. We decided to ignore the headache and are having a much smaller affair but paying for it completely by ourselves. It was more important to us to have the final say in a day that we will enjoy.
On a side note, if you do decide to go the pay-your-own-way route, there are backlashes there too. My father now feels very distanced from everything and is upset and hurt that we are not using his "suggestions."
have you sat down together with her and broken down the $25k? Maybe she needs to see that it means X amount on a dress and x amount on food, so that she can also see you're sticking to that budget. if she's like my mom, she needs to be involved, not just take the money and run kind of thing. it's also a lot of money up front. Have you been calling to talk with them about life stuff or just wedding stuff?
We had a couple spats at first, but building the budget together really, really helped. My mom has expressed that she has appreciated that I bring things to her for opinions. Not all the 20 things I've researched, but the 2 or 3 final choices. I have gone over budget once, and we paid the difference.
You just need to open up communication. it sounds like you both are missing something. You need to like each other on your wedding day.
Money comes with strings attached. My parents are the same way....they want excessive thankfullness for stuff THEY decided to do. Needles to say, we said "no thanks" to their money for the wedding and I'm so grateful every day that although we had to shell out all $20K of it ourselves, it saved us so much heartache in the end.
Can you pair down the budget they are giving you? Frankly, maybe you just need to sit them down and say, "look, the guilt trip is not cool. If you want to contribute, fine, but I don't know what you want from us. We are thankful" and then bring up stuff like this his family/your family tally! that's crazy! Maybe they are being unreaslistic or maybe they just need you guys to express your thankfulness in another way--make them dinner one night? Something like that.
Maybe make the budget 15K or 20K? Maybe they feel taken advantage of with the whole 25K? Who knows--i know my parents have crazy ideas sometimes
I completely feel you on this one - it would have been so much easier if my parents had agreed to put their "contribution" into a seperate account, so we could use it as we saw fit, but that's just not the kind of people they are. Money was a huge issue for our wedding, and initially, I thought I had to have their help, that I wouldn't be able to do it without them or massive credit card debt. Turns out, with hubby's help, and a pretty strict budget, we paid for the majority of it ourselves. I went from being the daughter who relied on my parents for absolutely everything, and didn't thnk I'd ever be able to afford a life or a wedding on my own to knowing that not only could we budget and save ourselves, but that it would be a hugely freeing thing. It will bring up other issues as some PP's have mentioned- when you're not using their money, they then tend to feel left out - but there is a remarkable sense of freedom from being able to do your own thing. Not to say that you don't appreciate or love them deeply, but my experience with my [otherwise] sane mother was that weddings make people CRAZAY-ZAY. Seriously, it just brings out weird stuff.
It's been 3 months since our wedding, and my mother still passively aggresively brings up the fact that they're still "paying for the wedding" whenever anything financial comes up. They gave us about $4000 all together, which we wouldn't have been able to do without, and we are so grateful for everything, but seriously? At a certain point, we've said thank you, we're grateful, you offered, and it's done! [as a side note, to avoid any possible flames, I love my parents dearly, our wedding was wonderful, AND on a budget!]
Maybe you could just use a smaller amount? Something they would be more comfortable with? Just a few ideas - mostly I just wanted you to know that if you do decide to do it yourself, you can ABSOLUTELY make it wonderful and magical, and everyone will come together about it - do what is least stressful for you! Good luck...
i think one major problem with parent footing a large part of the bill is that sometimes not discussing HOW this money will be spent. Does the couple need to go over purchases with the parents? How involved should everyone be? Is the money given up front or after the event?
Did you discuss these elements with your parents?
I agree with mermaid and gabgal. You need to sit down with your parents and break down things. My mum is giving us a very large chunk of money, and we did this from the start. We estimated how much everything was going to be, and then my mum circled all the things she would pay for. It's good because that is set and then the other extra things, if we want them, are up to us to foot the bill. If you haven't done this yet, it might help with the headaches...
@MandaLyn - I am so happy I have WB to know that I am not the only crazy one out there! We really have looked and talked to MULTIPLE cateres, even some that aren't really caterers but make food. In the end it all comes out to about $5k. My parents also thought $400 for a dress was a lot of money. The problem was, MY MOM didn't like any of the DB $99 dresses and she wanted quality. Now, granted I wasn't complaining, but at least on that she sees my point.
I think the other thing that I have found that helps to do a lot of comparisons. If they think something is expensive, look at A LOT of other vendors and see what their prices are. Try to compare apples to apples as much as possible. If one caterer includes cake cutting, ask the other caterer what it would cost to add it to their package just so its easier to compare.
Without going too much into my own situation, I have definitely experienced this, and I know how heartbreaking and stressful it can be. I'm so sorry you have to deal with it, too, but hopefully you can take comfort in the fact that this is a very common wedding issue, and that it doesn't reflect on you as a daughter at all. I try to remind myself that my mom has really wanted to give me this wedding for a long time, and on the day of, she will feel so proud! That is more than likely true of your folks, as well. Good luck!
My mom did the EXACT same thing we just had a huge crying discussion on Christmas Eve! Less than ideal! She agreed on a set amount a year and a half ago and the wedding is in 6 months and still no cash has been seen. FI and I have already put down a huge amount, relative to our salary, and paing for the rest of the wedding on our own was out of the question and his family cannot help one cent due to their own financial problems. The economy put a dent in my family's finances as well but I wasn't kept in the loop and was told repeatedly "it would work out in the end". It's the end, almost and it isn't working out. My parents asked us to postpone it four months and in return they'd put a gaurenteed amount in my own savings and I could pay for the wedding as I saw fit so I can have the control. Bottom line is, my parents admitted to procrastinating and they kept putting the wedding at the bottom of their list and bc of that I have to reschedule all my vendors and tell friends and family the situation.
Good thing is more money and more time instantly took all the bad feelings and stress away and now I'm back to planning but with a lot more security. I actually threatend to cancel the wedding and elope and make them cover our lost expenses. I guess they actually really did want to provide me a beautiful wedding, like they did with my two older sisters, and they really got their act together and laid out a plan for me. I'm super dissapointed about the delay, we've already been engaged for 18 months, but there are no other options financially but to cancel and elope. FI wants a big traditional wedding so this is the first big, and hard, sacrafice I'm making for our marriage. I'm proud that I am being selfless in this and making both parites happy. What is making this OK with me is that we have to take some of our honeymoon early bc we couldn't re-book!
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I don't even know where to start. I just got into a HUGE fight with my Mom over the phone. When we got engaged (which by the way, my parents, especially my Mom, were REALLY pushing for) my parents told us they were going to give us a wedding budget of $25k. I am SO grateful to them for that, I know tons of girls who receive nothing at all or far less, and was really excited. Now that we have started planning though, every time I need to pay for something wedding related my Mom gives me this huge guilt trip about all of the sacrifices they are having to make to pay for this, and how I do not appreciate it at all (which I DO!). Today, she said that I expect everyone to just revolve around my schedule, and that I just EXPECT them to fork over the cash. I think a lot of her stress and anger is stemming from the fact that this will be my first Christmas away from them, and with my fiances family instead. We just spent Thanksgiving there, but it is never enough. I think she actually has a tally of the amount of days spent with his family vs my family since the day we started dating.
I am SO tempted to just say "Thanks but No Thanks" and pay for our wedding ourselves. It would obviously have to be cut down, but I am tired of getting the guilt trip everytime a wedding related bill comes up. I can't quit crying, I am so upset, it is like all of a sudden I am a bad daughter who "treats her parents like an inconvenience". Have any of you had problems with this? Or with your parents letting go?