Post # 1
I don’t even know where to start. I just got into a HUGE fight with my Mom over the phone. When we got engaged (which by the way, my parents, especially my Mom, were REALLY pushing for) my parents told us they were going to give us a wedding budget of $25k. I am SO grateful to them for that, I know tons of girls who receive nothing at all or far less, and was really excited. Now that we have started planning though, every time I need to pay for something wedding related my Mom gives me this huge guilt trip about all of the sacrifices they are having to make to pay for this, and how I do not appreciate it at all (which I DO!). Today, she said that I expect everyone to just revolve around my schedule, and that I just EXPECT them to fork over the cash. I think a lot of her stress and anger is stemming from the fact that this will be my first Christmas away from them, and with my fiances family instead. We just spent Thanksgiving there, but it is never enough. I think she actually has a tally of the amount of days spent with his family vs my family since the day we started dating.
I am SO tempted to just say “Thanks but No Thanks” and pay for our wedding ourselves. It would obviously have to be cut down, but I am tired of getting the guilt trip everytime a wedding related bill comes up. I can’t quit crying, I am so upset, it is like all of a sudden I am a bad daughter who “treats her parents like an inconvenience”. Have any of you had problems with this? Or with your parents letting go?
Post # 3
I have had a couple fights with my parents over the budget they are giving us. I am totally like you, I am very grateful because I understand that not everyone has the financial support. However, we got into a fight over wedding food. We are totally ok with layed back family style event and my parents are more the lets throw a nice party kind of people. Both are fine, I just don’t see how the budget they gave us is going to work with the things they want. I have done a lot of research and see that a $5k food budget for over 150 people really isn’t a lot of money. I understand that it SOUNDS like a lot of money. But really, when you put it all together, its not.
My mom and I have had to step back a couple of times. I also find it much easier to talk to my dad when big decisions/purchases have needed to be made. It will pass, they just need to hear it over and over that you are thankful. Also remember they are giving you this money because they know it will make you happy. Try to be positive and happy about the situation as much as possible.
Hugs, it WILL all work out.
Post # 4
This is a really unfortunate situation to be in, but not surprising, because money often comes with strings attached (especially a large amount like that!) I think your parents might be shocked by how much everything wedding-related costs and feel like you’re throwing away their hard-earned money. (I know my mom freaks out at the costs of everything, even though she’s not paying for it. She doesn’t make me feel guilty, or anything, but is just genuinely shocked how much it all costs!)
I think if you accept your parents’ money, you need to involve your mom in the details of the planning rather than just asking for a check when bills need to be paid. It sounds like she feels uninvolved in your life and wedding planning, so include her! Show her different options you’re considering, get her feedback, and incorporate it into your decisions. This isn’t as ideal as choosing everything yourself, but it’s a compromise that needs to be made if you’re not paying yourself.
PS Regarding Christmas, if she’s upset about not seeing you, could you spend a day with her around the holidays (maybe a few days after christmas or something?) to show her that you do want to spend time with her.
Post # 5
Your mom sounds like my mom. She does the same thing to me, and gives me many many guild trips. She blames my fiance for taking me away from her. lol I can go on and on about what she does but in the end, that’s how she feels and I’ve learned no matter what I say to her or do for her, she’ll never be satisfied. If she’s anything like my mom, my advice is to just ignore her comments. My mom has made me cry so much because of this wedding that I am almost convinced that she doesn’t want me to be happy.
I really sympathize and I hope you find a way to deal with it. I know I certainly haven’t found a perfect way.
Post # 6
@Girlwitharing- I really wish I could 🙁 Right now, the fiance and I live in Tucson, my parents in Texas, and his in Southern California.
This is just so hard because we very rarely fight. My Mom is one of my best friends, and we had a knock down drag out today. I just hate how this event that is supposed to be so happy is making everyone so miserable. Vegas is sounding better by the second. 🙁
Post # 7
What if you make efforts to come in under budget and show her you are being responsible nad not trying to put extra stress on her. Maybe pay a couple of the early bills yourselves or just plan on spending 15-20k instead?
Where you spend holidays, etc. is a completely different issue but I can see how she feels she is giving you a lot of money and wants to see you both as well. Maybe ozu could do New Years dinner or something with your family?
Post # 8
We had some problems with this early on. My parents didn’t give me a budget and they had an idea of the wedding both they and I wanted. We have been handling it one step at a time. Basically, for each item, my dad decides if it is reasonable. If it is, we do it and if it isn’t, we look for alternatives. So far he has given me everything I have wanted. Early on my mom was a major pain though. She seemed more concerned about what her friends would think than what I wanted. In the end, I got my way and everyone is happy.
I think the most important thing is to keep a level head, don’t get visibly upset in front of them, and don’t yell or get angry. Since they are paying, be grateful and when you mom gives you the guilt trip, just say thank you and I appreciate all that you are doing for this wedding.
Post # 9
My FI and I were experiecing the same issue with his mother. After weeks of me calling and checking out the resorts in the area she started worrying about the cost of a resort wedding. I know that I went straight for pricey venues, but I assumed that we would be having a resort wedding because that is where most of the Indian weddings are held in Tucson due to a lack of ballrooms.
Anyway, it seems like the issue will be somewhat resolved soon as we’ll be booking the only reasonably priced resort that has allowed us to bring an Indian caterer at his parent’s request.
I’m still a little worried about how money issues will effect planning later down the line, especially since his parents have asked me whether my parents could go “50/50” with the ceremony/recpetion cost, even though my parents are paying for the sangeet (pre-wedding party), as well as the accomedations for all 30 of their guests.
His parent’s guest list is about 200-250…does it seem fair that my parents pay half of the ceremony/recpetion costs when only a small portion are their guests, while they’re paying for the sangeet for their guest too?
Post # 10
Oh pinkchampagne, I think its unfortunate that your parents stated that they’d contribute and are now worrying about the money – I think your right in saying her anger is stemming from being away from home for X-mas. My parents were similar when I spent my first holidays away from home!
I’m sure things will work out. Just keep the lines of communication open and if you find that they can no longer contribute as much as they said they would find ways to stretch your budget, like DIY projects, less flowers, no open bar, etc.
Post # 11
I had a similar situation with my father. He originally agreed to XX amount, then freaked out at the cost of everything and cut the original amount in a third! I find it much much easier to have wedding conversations with my dad via e-mail, we both freak out significantly less! I also agree with an earlier poster who suggested bringing your mom in on the decisions. Maybe she just feels like you ought to be doing this together and its too much just you? Good luck working it out!
Post # 12
Since your parents agreed on a budget of $25K – can you ask that the money be moved into a separate bank account. That way, you can decide where the money goes and if you go over budget you are responsible for it.
Post # 13
I also think that if you try to come in under budget, it might show your mom that you are being responsible and spending wisely.
@Mrs.Louboutin— “She seemed more concerned about what her friends would think than what I wanted. In the end, I got my way and everyone is happy.”
Ditto. This is the reason we are having a sit down dinner vs. a passed hors d’ouvres & dessert reception.
@caszos— “$5k food budget for over 150 people really isn’t a lot of money.”
I know! I have the same figure. The only reason I was able to make it happen is because we are using the restaurant at the hotel my mom works at and they gave her a huge employee discount and cut the food cost down 20%, waived the cake cutting fee, and threw in extra hors d’ouvres. Otherwise, I’m not sure I would have been able to do it!
Post # 14
I say, hire a DOC and let him or her be a third-party referee. From what I hear, they’re worth every penny when it comes to fights between mothers and daughters.
Post # 15
This happened to us too, but with my father. He offered money but it had strings attached to it that I didn’t feel were appropriate. We decided to ignore the headache and are having a much smaller affair but paying for it completely by ourselves. It was more important to us to have the final say in a day that we will enjoy.
On a side note, if you do decide to go the pay-your-own-way route, there are backlashes there too. My father now feels very distanced from everything and is upset and hurt that we are not using his “suggestions.”
Post # 16
have you sat down together with her and broken down the $25k? Maybe she needs to see that it means X amount on a dress and x amount on food, so that she can also see you’re sticking to that budget. if she’s like my mom, she needs to be involved, not just take the money and run kind of thing. it’s also a lot of money up front. Have you been calling to talk with them about life stuff or just wedding stuff?
We had a couple spats at first, but building the budget together really, really helped. My mom has expressed that she has appreciated that I bring things to her for opinions. Not all the 20 things I’ve researched, but the 2 or 3 final choices. I have gone over budget once, and we paid the difference.
You just need to open up communication. it sounds like you both are missing something. You need to like each other on your wedding day.