Fighting…How to make DH understand?!

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

My husband does the same thing, sort of.

Wait for emotions to cool down, and then discuss the matter with him. Don’t do it in a way that might come off as confrontational or accusatory. He’ll just feel bullied or ganged up on by you.

More context would be helpful though.

Post # 4
Member
1125 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

@2013septemberbride:  Yes, DH tends to be like that. It’s because he feels attacked by the criticism and it’s how he knows to defend himself. So I always try to bring up criticism in a way that will not make him feel threatened. If I fail, I know it right away because he will bring up something else that he doesn’t like about what I do.

I just tell him that we can discuss that other thing he’s bringing up later. That I don’t mean to attack him or to make him feel like he’s doing everything wrong. I point out what I do like. Then I explain why the thing has been bothering me and ask him to please do it differently in the future.

 

Post # 7
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@2013septemberbride:  Sounds like he’s freaking out about money, and looking for someone else to pin the blame on. The most convenient target is you. What he’s doing is childish.

Tell him to stop bank-rolling his sister. He shouldn’t be doing that anyway.

 

Post # 8
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I think he knows that the money his loaned his sister, she will eventually pay him back, right?

60 dollars of sushi goes to your belly and doesn’t pay you back haha

but, bringing in another totally unrelated topic is just wrong, and really doesn’t help anything.  I’d let him calm down and talk to him about your concerns.

I hate when ppl tell me what do to with my money, so FI and I have separate accounts. I spend my money however I want to. No arguments there.

Post # 10
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@2013septemberbride:  What does HM stand for? lol sorry, home mortgage?

Sry, I totally understand your frustration now.  It’s like he doesn’t even care about your input… expecially when you told him that he shouldn’t let his sister borrow money anymore.

My FI used to be the same way, his parents always asked him to borrow money, last year he gave them 1000 dollars, his parents never paid him back and probably never had the intention to do so either.

So now I made it clear to him that he needs to run everything financially through me, yes it’s his money, but he doesn’t make great financial decisons at time.. hmph! Additionally, he has a shit ton of student loans to pay off, as of now, he still owes me 10k for helping him pay off some of his high interest ones…

so yeah, damn right, I should be included in your financial decisions and how you choose to spend your money!!! 

 

Post # 12
Member
2685 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

Obviously, it’s preferable to deal with each issue on its own, rather than piling them on top of each other in some weird game of “you cause more trouble than me.”

I am confused about how he owes you money for your honeymoon. I mean, I get it, he didn’t have the money, he was going to take out a loan, you loaned him the money instead. But you’re married now. I think it’s time to decide that all money is “our money” and forgive him the loan. Maybe you can discuss this at the same time you discuss no longer loaning money to his sister. That’s a lot of awkward, inter-family loaning and waiting to be paid back going on right there. Just my opinion.

Post # 14
Member
2047 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@2013septemberbride:  your DH shouldnt be lending ANY money to ANYONE without your knowledge…. I dont care how you run things (all his all hers) I think anything “lendingwise”over like 25 bucks needs to be ok’d with eachother even if its his/or your money especially if you guys are sacrificing in the meantime!

I am going through this exact thing with my DH but its a lot more $$ at stake and I’ve finally had to put my foot down. His family (the issue is) they are more open with talking about everything moneywise…. its always all been on the table from day 1. I get it…when your 16-17 and your living at home and your working part-time, your parents have the right to delve into your personal stuff because your still a kid and your under their roof. But when you grow up and have a career, and get married and own your own house etc etc??? OUR PERSONAL FINANCES ARE IS NO LONGER APPRORIATE DINNER CONVERSATION. His father will sit there and with no hesitation say :so how much money you making now? what you guys have extra a month? why you not give it to us to help pay our bills?

um exuse me? a) if we have extra money per month its going into OUR savings, or investments, or rrsps etc, not your effin pocket?

My point is……. it took DH a while to learn that OUR business id no longer their business!!!! And we need to start keeping things on a certain level or else things are going to get bad. He has lent them very large sums of money without my permission and the last time I FREAKED out and said enough is enough.

How do I deal with it when he simply cant understand?

I ask him to stop and put himself in my shoes…..if it was MY sibling or parent needing money and I did what he did would he be fine with it? If it was MY father who wanted to open a business and even though you knew it wasnt a good idea I felt OBLIGATED to co-sign for it when the time comes just because “my parents raised me”…newslflash…. every parent does the same thing for their child the same way we will do for ours………..ask him would you be ok with it?? if it was MY family taking money not yours? Or would you be like where’s my effin money, we’re living like poor students just so your family members can live off our hard work?….NO!

Once he puts himself in my shoes and thinks about it… he generally calms down and says “well I didnt think about it like that”…. a lot of people have guilt when it comes to family, but when its in regards to your lives…. he needs to see it from the other side of the coin…and if it were he in your position would he be so ok with it. You have your own responsibility to eachother and everyone else comes second/third/fourth etc….END OF STORY!

Post # 15
Member
5199 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@2013septemberbride:  Sounds like both of you need to learn to fight a little more fairly.

He certanly shouldn’t drag in unrelated issues just to “win” the fight.  But you’ll probably get better results if you approach him calmly to talk about how you’d like to handle these situations in the future rather than approach him when you are “vein popping mad” to “confront him about things he’s done wrong.”

Definetly an issue that you can work on together and improve.

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