(Closed) Fights about the stag – not the bachelor party

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I can’t speak to his tradition specifically, but we have a regional tradition that is similar… it’s called a “Social” and I’ve only ever heard of them within a 200km radius of where I live.  

Basically it’s a dance, with a bar and food.  You buy tickets for drinks, but the food (appies, cold cuts, sometimes moms make food from the couples culture like perogies, or springrolls etc…) is free.  There is also a silent auction, and a couple of door prizes, sometimes even a 50/50 draw, or a draw for a large bottle of alcohol.

Anyway, it’s basically a big fundraiser, and could be (and I’m sure IS) considered tacky by the rest of the worldy, but if you live in Manitoba, Canada, and you DON’T have a social, your friends and family will be upset!  It’s an apportunity to celebrate and party with the couple and HUNDREDS of people come.

So, take your worry about the impression he’s giving, and just pack them away.  His culture is obviously very in favour of this, so you have nothing to worry about.  Explain it as a cultural tradition to your friends and family (and there are plenty of wedding traditions that involve giving money all over the world, dollar dances, red envelopes etc…)

Post # 4
1046 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

haha I’m on the Italian end of this one!! My family was all morbidly apalled when I told them we were not having a money dance at FI’s request because he felt like it was a money grab.  I’d say tell your family ‘look I’m marrying into a new culture and I’d like it if we tried to embrace it’  that way hopefully they can see it as a different kind of tradition and not just regular people snaking money from others.  

If you can handle it I say roll with it, because it will probably happen whether you like it or not, Italians are stubborn and sneaky =)

Post # 6
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Can you ask for your father and other sensitive guests to not be invited? Or you talk to these guests yourself and explain the tradition so they can decide for themselves if its offensive or interesting?


I’d stop fighting over IF the event should happen and focus more on how to let your friends and family know about this tradition.

Post # 8
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Sunshine09:  Totally makes sense about wanting papa to be included, but “tradition” is tradition unless it’s harming someone (which to me it isn’t really…) so give into the party… and for anyone whom your are concerned about just say alright sooo the stag is a little different than what “we” do so this is what will go down… and explain it. Your father might be OK with the whole thing and eager to see how it goes.

Post # 9
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If It’s really the impression of him that your family will have thats bothering you, you can’t control how they preceive him. In the end it’s his choice if he is willing to risk that, you can only advise him.  I realize you’re trying to put out a fire before it starts. I don’t blame you.

I would tell him that your family is probably not going to take this as lightly as he does. Also that this puts you in a terrible position of explaining it to them, and because you don’t really agree with it either you’re not really sure what to say to them. Tell him it’s imprtant to you that they like him.

Most families are somewhat critical, even of really good men who come into our lives. Sometimes we have to work on their behalf to smooth things over or redirect meaning to our families, because men USUALLY don’t think before they speak/act. You’ve probably found yourself at times doing this for him in the past too. 

I would tell him ” if it’s not received well by your family it reflects badly on you.” As I said before, you may also feel the need to explaine it to them. How do you explaine something you don’t agree with?


*This is just my own personal opinion of what I would do/say if this came up with my Fiance. I may have totally misundersood, but this is the impression about your concerns I got from reading your post. I hope it helps 🙂

Post # 11
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Sunshine09:  I’m Italian and I’ve never heard of this….maybe it’s a regional thing? Or a tradition in his family? Regardless, ultimately he should be the one worrying about what kind of impression he’s making on your father, not you.

Honestly, at least you dad isn’t going to have to watch him get a lap dance from a stripper–if all it really entails is some cocktail waitresses, gambling, and asking for $ from relatives it doesn’t sound that depraved, maybe it’s not as crass as  you’re imagining.



Post # 12
5657 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

Could he have a less raunchy party? Save that for the bachelor party instead?

Post # 13
11343 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

It should not matter that this may be a tradition to your Fiance and his family. It should matter more that you and your family are not at all comfortable with anything about this activity. Cultural expectations of others aside, your Fiance does not have to have this type of party. He’s choosing to have it. I would be upset as well at an event such as that.

Post # 15
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I had never heard of one until I moved to London, and EVERYONE does them there….Here it’s called a Buck and Doe, or a Stag and Doe, and it’s basically exactlly what @MissNoodles:  described. In fact, in some small towns that’s what you do on Saturday nights….you go to those parties, even if you don’t know the couple! I always thought it was tacky, because I never understood why it was everyone else’s responsability to pay for your wedding, but NOT having one is considered really weird, and I’ve had a ton of people wondering why we haven’t done it.

Honestly, they’re no worse than a night at the bar…it’s pretty tame. I don’t know your family, but I really can’t imagine this tainting their perception of your Fiance…..it’s not some wild sex party. It’s a bunch of dudes gambling and drinking.

It sounds like this is important to your Fiance, and if him being himself with his friends and family hurts your family’s perception of him, then that’s probably going to happen eventuall, ya know? You can’t really control that, and you’re going to have an uphill battle trying to.

Maybe just explain it to your parents, and tell your dad that Fiance wants him to be there…I bet that would mean a lot to him, and who knows, maybe your dad will be the rowdiest one of all 😛


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