Post # 1
So my Fiance is Italian and they typically do a men’s stag party different from the bachelor party – a fundraiser as my Fiance keeps calling it, where it’s only men and they sell tickets and have an open bar, and gamble and have cocktail hostesses in tight dresses that are meant to ‘extract’ money from the guests.
This is totally new to me, and I’m having a really hard time with it. My Dad is a tame guy who doesn’t really drink or gamble, and Fiance and I keep fighting over what kind of impression this will give. It also bugs me that this is a money making event, which my Fiance says we need to reimburse the money we are putting out (which ok yeah that would really help), but it feels greedy and seedy to me.
We had another fight about it last night and I got so mad I almost threw a box of Triscuits at him. I’m being very over protective of what kind of impression he’s giving as my soon to be husband. It all feels very uncomfortable to me.
He reassures me that it will be fine, and that we have to do this.
Can someone explain it better to me? Or tell me that your FI’s was no biggie?
Should I just chill?
Post # 3
I can’t speak to his tradition specifically, but we have a regional tradition that is similar… it’s called a “Social” and I’ve only ever heard of them within a 200km radius of where I live.
Basically it’s a dance, with a bar and food. You buy tickets for drinks, but the food (appies, cold cuts, sometimes moms make food from the couples culture like perogies, or springrolls etc…) is free. There is also a silent auction, and a couple of door prizes, sometimes even a 50/50 draw, or a draw for a large bottle of alcohol.
Anyway, it’s basically a big fundraiser, and could be (and I’m sure IS) considered tacky by the rest of the worldy, but if you live in Manitoba, Canada, and you DON’T have a social, your friends and family will be upset! It’s an apportunity to celebrate and party with the couple and HUNDREDS of people come.
So, take your worry about the impression he’s giving, and just pack them away. His culture is obviously very in favour of this, so you have nothing to worry about. Explain it as a cultural tradition to your friends and family (and there are plenty of wedding traditions that involve giving money all over the world, dollar dances, red envelopes etc…)
Post # 4
haha I’m on the Italian end of this one!! My family was all morbidly apalled when I told them we were not having a money dance at FI’s request because he felt like it was a money grab. I’d say tell your family ‘look I’m marrying into a new culture and I’d like it if we tried to embrace it’ that way hopefully they can see it as a different kind of tradition and not just regular people snaking money from others.
If you can handle it I say roll with it, because it will probably happen whether you like it or not, Italians are stubborn and sneaky =)
Post # 5
Thanks. I’m not sure why but I never really considered it as a cultural thing and that I need to accept it – I keep telling my FI that HE needs to accept that we don’t do that!
Ok I’ll try to chill, I guess I need a “marrying into an Italian family” tutorial LOL. (I’m German and English – we’re as dry as it gets!) This stag thing is totally foreign to us. There are def. a lot of benefits like his big warm generous family.
You guys helped!
Post # 6
Can you ask for your father and other sensitive guests to not be invited? Or you talk to these guests yourself and explain the tradition so they can decide for themselves if its offensive or interesting?
I’d stop fighting over IF the event should happen and focus more on how to let your friends and family know about this tradition.
Post # 7
@vmec: I thought about that, but I really want him to be included, I’m his first daughter getting married.
Very good point on focusing on explaining it to my family so they understand.
Post # 8
@Sunshine09: Totally makes sense about wanting papa to be included, but “tradition” is tradition unless it’s harming someone (which to me it isn’t really…) so give into the party… and for anyone whom your are concerned about just say alright sooo the stag is a little different than what “we” do so this is what will go down… and explain it. Your father might be OK with the whole thing and eager to see how it goes.
Post # 9
If It’s really the impression of him that your family will have thats bothering you, you can’t control how they preceive him. In the end it’s his choice if he is willing to risk that, you can only advise him. I realize you’re trying to put out a fire before it starts. I don’t blame you.
I would tell him that your family is probably not going to take this as lightly as he does. Also that this puts you in a terrible position of explaining it to them, and because you don’t really agree with it either you’re not really sure what to say to them. Tell him it’s imprtant to you that they like him.
Most families are somewhat critical, even of really good men who come into our lives. Sometimes we have to work on their behalf to smooth things over or redirect meaning to our families, because men USUALLY don’t think before they speak/act. You’ve probably found yourself at times doing this for him in the past too.
I would tell him ” if it’s not received well by your family it reflects badly on you.” As I said before, you may also feel the need to explaine it to them. How do you explaine something you don’t agree with?
*This is just my own personal opinion of what I would do/say if this came up with my Fiance. I may have totally misundersood, but this is the impression about your concerns I got from reading your post. I hope it helps 🙂
Post # 10
@future Mrs. Maxx: That was a totally great response and so right on. I’m absolutely trying to put out a fire before it starts. But maybe I just need to chill. Much like the wedding day, it’ll just go how it goes no matter how much planning I do.
Actually my FI is kind of a tame guy too, hes actually a lot like my Dad, but he gets caught up in the family traditions. It makes me nuts when he says things like “this is this way it’s done.” It’s more the whole idea of the thing that doesn’t sit well with me.
My Fiance said that he would explain it to my Dad, so he’s fully taking on the responsibility, and I hope it goes over with my family. I just don’t want anyone in my family to be uncomfortable wiothout me there. And they really like my Fiance but everything is always an impression ya know?
I think the bigger picture too is that my family doesn’t have very deep pockets and his does. So it makes me upset to think that they will be in a postion of being ‘extracted’ of all their money, even if it’s going back to us for our wedding.
Post # 11
@Sunshine09: I’m Italian and I’ve never heard of this….maybe it’s a regional thing? Or a tradition in his family? Regardless, ultimately he should be the one worrying about what kind of impression he’s making on your father, not you.
Honestly, at least you dad isn’t going to have to watch him get a lap dance from a stripper–if all it really entails is some cocktail waitresses, gambling, and asking for $ from relatives it doesn’t sound that depraved, maybe it’s not as crass as you’re imagining.
Post # 12
Could he have a less raunchy party? Save that for the bachelor party instead?
Post # 13
It should not matter that this may be a tradition to your Fiance and his family. It should matter more that you and your family are not at all comfortable with anything about this activity. Cultural expectations of others aside, your Fiance does not have to have this type of party. He’s choosing to have it. I would be upset as well at an event such as that.
Post # 14
@Brielle: Exactly – and that’s the fight that we’ve had and I get so heated every time he says this is ‘the way it’s done.” and I scream No it’s not! We can do whatever we want!
He defends it from the money side of things that he’s doing this for us, so we can make a little money back from what we’re putting out. And we really could use that because we’re putting out a lot.
I think my imagination is making it worse than it will be.
Post # 15
I had never heard of one until I moved to London, and EVERYONE does them there….Here it’s called a Buck and Doe, or a Stag and Doe, and it’s basically exactlly what @MissNoodles: described. In fact, in some small towns that’s what you do on Saturday nights….you go to those parties, even if you don’t know the couple! I always thought it was tacky, because I never understood why it was everyone else’s responsability to pay for your wedding, but NOT having one is considered really weird, and I’ve had a ton of people wondering why we haven’t done it.
Honestly, they’re no worse than a night at the bar…it’s pretty tame. I don’t know your family, but I really can’t imagine this tainting their perception of your Fiance…..it’s not some wild sex party. It’s a bunch of dudes gambling and drinking.
It sounds like this is important to your Fiance, and if him being himself with his friends and family hurts your family’s perception of him, then that’s probably going to happen eventuall, ya know? You can’t really control that, and you’re going to have an uphill battle trying to.
Maybe just explain it to your parents, and tell your dad that Fiance wants him to be there…I bet that would mean a lot to him, and who knows, maybe your dad will be the rowdiest one of all 😛