- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2013
All right this will probably get long, so I apologize in advance. And sorry my first post is long and asking for advice.
Fiance and I have been engaged since March and his family has disapproved since Day 1. Actually they disapproved before that (we were moving in together). I suppose you could say that his family is okay. They have never directly said anything horrible to me. Yet, I hate going to family events and spending time around them. Fiance is growing more and more distant from his family because of their indirect actions not just to me but to him as well. I also want to say that we are still in college, early 20s, but supporting ourselves. His mom does “give” him money from his college fund (I don’t even want to go there), but he absolutely does not need that money at all.
Onto the problem, or my problem. Basically, I feel like I’m in a lose-lose situation. I feel like I could easily be taking the actions from his family too personally and that I really just need to suck it up and deal with it. But at the same time, I feel like I’m completely justified in not wanting to spend time with them. And I don’t know how to handle the situation. Yes, I know Fiance should deal with his family, and that is what he does. But I don’t know if this is something wrong with me personally, as in I am just being immature or super sensitive or something and so maybe it is something I need to work on.
A quick rundown.
- I am completely ignored around his family. So in the 2 hours of time we spend with them, they interact with me for maybe 10 minutes.
- His mom admitted that she is in denial about the wedding.
- He was invited to a “family vacation” in August without me, but on Thanksgiving we find out that their family friends and his older sister’s Boyfriend or Best Friend are invited/will be there as well.
- His sister introduced me as his girlfriend. I’m not mentioned in his mom’s Christmas letter at all (she was going to say he was getting married, but then decided against it and took it out).
- I get lectured for 5 minutes how his grandparents’ fruit salad is the best because it kept them together for however many years and is just awesome (after Fiance mentioned we had just tried a new fruit dip that I found/made).
- I can be a picky eater (just don’t like certain foods) and got told that I should just bring something to eat and that what food is being served shouldn’t mean that “somebody won’t come.”
- My own personal decisions, like the kind of computer I buy, is personally questioned. Or my own personal mistakes, such as forgetting to apply for a student advisory board and lamenting that fact, gets questioned and even though the deadline is passed I am told and insisted that I should just email them and make them let me apply anyway.
- If I want something that Fiance wants, it is automatically nixed.
There will probably also be something with the Christmas Gifts where Fiance gets about 20 times more than I do. I know gifts should never be expected, but c’mon, that is such a public slight.
They do similar things to Fiance. Question if something is what he really wants. Judge him for playing video games. Refuse to take his answer of ‘no’ as an answer. Ignore him almost as much as they ignore me. Tell him his decisions are “tearing the family apart.” Told that his grades will drop because he is working and that she (his mom) doesn’t believe he can maintain A’s/A- and so she expects him to fail.
I really just don’t want to be stressed out and anxious about having to see his family. It happens every single time. Before Thanksgiving, I was just a mess and on edge the entire time. But I don’t know if this is a ‘me’ problem and how I am handling the situations/behaviors (taking things too personally, reading too much into things, just bad handling in general) or whether I really should be upset about these things.
Furthermore, Fiance doesn’t really know how to handle it either. If he gives his mom an answer, he refuses to talk about the subject anymore when she brings it up 10 more times. If he knows I’m not invited to family events, he refuses to go. When his mom told him she took off the fact that he was getting married on her Christmas letter, he told her that he didn’t agree with it but that he couldn’t change her mind.
Suggestions? Advice? Am I being crazy/immature/stupid/sensitive/all of the above? If I (we) are at fault, how best can we approach future situations to help and change how we are acting? Basically, what am I doing wrong?