FIL demanding that we move up our wedding. (long)

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

where the HECK is your fi in all this?!

Post # 4
Member
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@LyndaButterfly:  and i totally get the ‘party after wedding’ thing – my in laws also want to host a party for us for people who can’t make our wedding (their family lives really far away) and my fi is fine with it BUT they are not to tell anyone or send out any invitations for the party until after the wedding rsvp date has passed. that way, his entire guest list won’t throw up their hands and decline in favour of the party a month later.

your fi needs to stand up to them, point out all the concessions made already and stand firm.

Post # 6
Member
1721 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@LyndaButterfly:  I agree with pp.. I think you need to sit down and talk with your FI. You guys need to be on the same page on this and he definitely needs to support you otherwise for FIL’s are going to walk all over you. You have been open and changed things around for his family but it sounds like now is the time to put your foot Down and in order for you to be able to do that you need to know he is supporting and backing you up.

Post # 7
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I’m sorry, I’d throw up my hands and elope at this point.

Your FILs aren’t making demands on your wedding – they’re making demands on your life – your current, engaged life and your future marriage together.

You are literally starting out your marrige by saying “of COURSE we will bend over backwards to accomodate all your whims and wishes! Our wants and needs aren’t as important as yours!”

I would have put my foot down a LONG time ago and said “No, the wedding is THIS DATE, THIS PLACE, and THIS TIME. Be there or don’t.” and cut my losses there.
It’s not too late to say “I’m sorry we absolutely cannot accomodate this any longer – you will need to adjust your plans for our wedding”

Because at this point you’ve given up your entire part in this wedding to be a doll bride on display for his family – they don’t give a shit about you and it’s pretty damn clear.
I think it’s time to stop giving a shit about them.

And BTW – your fiance needs to start learning how to say “NO” as well – this is HIS family, and you are going to be HIS wife and priority – why isn’t he putting his foot down?!

Post # 8
Member
13004 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m sorry, but non-Asians will not really understand or even fathom how this situation is as hard as it is.  It’s not as simple as just saying no, it’s just not.  I’m willing to guess the FI is willing to go along with it because that is what you typically do.  You do things for the family and do not go against them and disappoint people, especially ones that *are* that old and don’t have much time left.  I’m sorry, but I’m just gonna be blunt, but youre just in a lose lose situation.  You don’t do what they want, and it will just reflect poorly on you.  And maybe that doesnt matter, but if it does, you’re going to spend the rest of your life yielding to them.  This is the culture and ways of your FI’s family that you’re marrying into.   You do what they want, and your family is left out.  Can they do something tiny for grandma and still have the original Aug plans?

Post # 10
Member
13004 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@LyndaButterfly:  Hopefully they are not so old school and stubborn that they will be open to a reasonable compromise.  I do think that if your FI is going to talk to them and get a plan, you should be there to help make it.  But then make sure he makes it clear that that is the final plan.  No more changes.  Are they paying for it?  Or just making the arrangements?

Post # 13
Member
560 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

This sounds so stressful! I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. It is so easy to get pushed around by in-laws because of course you want a good relationship! I wish they’d have more respect since you’ve been around for TEN YEARS. Ugh. I agree do tea ceremony w/grandma, legal signing whatever lucky date that works for your family and then your reception with BOTH families and your friends in August. I know family is hard, especially with a culture where you can’t stand up to elders much but your FI needs to stand up for you! He’s on your team now!

Post # 14
Member
550 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@LyndaButterfly:  Could you do the tea ceremony and a chinese reception in Victoria beforehand for Granny and then go back to your original plan and have a destination wedding in Spain and a party in August? Don’t invite the people from Van that won’t come to Victoria bc of cost…just do what the Chinese contingent wants in May…and then do everything else you want to do? (Maybe giving them what they’re wanting with respect to time frame will give you more bargaining power for other things.)

Post # 16
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’m not 100% sure on this, but do you just need to know the good luck buddha dates?  I googled it for my wedding and chose based off that.  I think the Chinese will sometimes have some specialist evaulate you and your husband’s b-days and such so it might be a big more complicated but if it’s just the good luck days, those are easy.

 

With that being said, don’t give in to the pressures just to make them happy.  They will very likely scream and yell to try to get their way, but that could be tied to a cultural norm.  They’ll get over it.  Though if you choose a bad date, they’ll probably assume you’ll end up in divorce so make sure you get that right.  Supersticious for sure.

 

 

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