FIL issues….. vent-question

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1343 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@shanbp:  It seems like it is a big deal for their family. Obviously they don’t get that you wouldn’t want to name your child after someone you obviously detest. Maybe you can compromise though? Make it a middle name, or call the child by a middle name of your choosing? 

 

I feel like it’s ridiculous that they assume you have no say in the name. However, if my FH was stressed out about it, and not wanting to hurt his family, I would do it for him, not the SOB FIL. 

 

Post # 4
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I would NEVER name my kid something I didn’t like, tradition be damned.  I do think a nice compromise would be making it a middle name, since it’s not necessarily something that would be used every day, but could still be used (if the kid likes it of course) for his family things.

Do you have any “family traditions” that would combat this?  For example, it’s sort of common in my family for a son to take the dad’s first name as a middle name.

Post # 6
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I dated an Italian guy.  I couldn’t deal with all of the traditions and them taking over every minute of my life.  The amount of birthday parties and church things I had to be present for was insane.

Never again.  I feel ya honey.

Post # 7
Member
3633 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I agree that there’s no reason why you have to stick with their tradition in terms of naming children. FWIW, my ILs not only wanted an ethnic name for our future children, they wanted them named after them (yet, DH and his siblings aren’t named after their grandparents). However, now that we’re expecting our first child, DH is firm and has told them in no uncertain terms that there is NO WAY we will name the child after them and further, no one but us has any say and they’ve acknowledged this and accepted this. I hope your ILs back down too.

The way I see it is that they can pitch a fit all they want but at the end of the day, you’re the parents, you call the shots. So if they’re throwing a hissy fit, then you can respond with “Fine, then don’t bother coming over to see my child if you are going to act like one.” That’s what we’ve been doing and it’s been effective. Obviously, this doesn’t apply to simple petty issues but this whole naming thing definitely warrants it. I’ve read of grandparents calling the grandchild a totally different name so this should be nipped in the bud quickly. I think ultimately, the draw of seeing their grandchild has greater weight than whatever crazy idea they have in their heads.

Post # 8
Member
1343 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@shanbp:  That’s a very crappy situation he put you guys in… I’m sorry to hear that. I do think he needs to learn boundaries. But like any child, as long as his temper tantrum goes unnoticed, eventually he’ll stop them. It needs to be a family effort. 

 

My FH’s father has passed… but if he ever talked to me the way yours did, after I just bailed him out, I would be very upset and it would be very hard to talk to him rationally…but if I could think rationally…Anytime he starts that crap, I would just say “your words are being hurtful to me right now, please reconsider the way you speak and treat me, I am disengaging from this situation now” 

ETA: Anytime I use the term “I’m disengaging from this” when someone is treating me poorly and responding will make it worse, or even an argument is getting too heated. They always look dumfounded and fumble their next words. Especially when I just literally walk away. 

Post # 11
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@shanbp:  First of all, your FIL is a drama queen. Second, do not even worry about the naming the kid thing right now. Worry about it when it comes time, and what I would do is NOT share what you are naiming your child with anyone until it is born. Yeah, you may have to deal with the drama during the pregnancy, but in that case stay out of it. Your husband can give his dad the satisfaction of him always being right and a god allllll he wants, but in the end, when you are giving birth, you tell the nurse/doctor what you want the name to be and that is that.

My FIL is insufferable, and sometimes it is easier just to nod and go “uh huh” and then roll my eyes at what a completely and utter ididot he is behind his back. He yelled at me in the middle of a damn restaurant one time because I challenged him, so I pretty much told DH we are not telling him anything anymore, and this will include our children’s names, how much things cost, what we are doing with vehicles, house, dog, etc. I don’t need anyone dictating my choices in life.

Post # 14
Member
1769 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

My FI’s parents probably expect to choose the names of our children, especially our first child.  It’s a thing grandparents can supposedly do in their culture.  But not in mine and my FI was born & raised in the US and doesn’t go along with that idea either.  One of FI’s siblings had a child a few years ago and didn’t let the parents name the child, but the child’s name is from FI’s family’s ethnicity.  Hopefully that broke them in, but, if not, I’ll finish up the job.  I don’t even want to discuss it with them (whenever we do have a kid) until the baby’s born and we tell ppl the name.

I’ve been clear with my FI the whole way that no child of mine will have a name I don’t want them to have.  I don’t like this controlling idea (the idea doesn’t have to be controlling and manipulative, but his parents are, so it ends up being that way).  I’ve been clear with FI that his parents suggesting a name is probably a surefire way to guarantee no future baby of ours will have that name, just on principle.  We’ve also agreed that our kids will have his last name (very specific to his ethnicity), but that, since I’m not his same ethnicity, some of our kids might have a first name of his ethnicity, but some probably won’t.  I am not okay at all with having all of my kids’ first and last names be names of an ethnicity that I’m not and names that I hadn’t even heard of until a couple years ago.

I support what you’re doing and think that your FI should be more of a buffer.  I stopped talking to FI’s parents about the wedding about a month into planning.  Now, I just continue on planning and (if they’re talking to him at all) he tells them the updates and turns down all their suggestions for drastic, weird, and expensive changes.  Your FIL’s bullying works with his family, but don’t let it work with you.  I wouldn’t fight back, but I’d just be on the side, living my life how FI and I want to.  Good luck

Post # 15
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@shanbp:  I can’t believe you’re being harassed abothe naming non-existent children.

Tell your FFIL you’ve decided not to have kids. That outta do it.

Post # 16
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@shanbp:  This might also be worth mentioning: My DH gives into his dad a lot because he just doesn’t want to deal with it, which is I think exactly why your husband does it.

See, FIL has always been SUCH a control freak and verbal abuser that both kids don’t talk to him often and when they do they just agree with him. I can’t understand DH’s situation of crawling away to his room when he was younger just to get away from his dad raising a big yelling match at his mother. It’s a type of abuse that has netal affects on a person.

That may be why your DH gives up so easily and gives in to your FIL. Does it mean he should? No, but it isn’t as easy for them to say no as it is for us. It’s easy for you and I to just say, “Grow some cajones and tell your dad he is NOT the boss of us.” But it isn’t so easy for him when he had to grow up in, what I would consider, a verbally abusive home/situation.

Try to be understanding towards your DH, but DO be firm and tell him that when you decide something together, that is YOUR information, and no matter what FIL says, it is not his to know. Just tell FIL, “Shanbp and I have it all figured out.” He will just have to keep saying that and either your FIL will get the hint or let it go to a certain degree (which I doubt becuse he sounds too stubborn). Once one person stands u pto him, the rest may follow and it may get easier for your husband not to divulge details to him.

Good luck. You are one of those that has a completely irrational FIL too. Lucky us 🙂

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