FIL lost his job. Hubby wants us to move in w/his parents. I don't. Help!

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@teebee85:  woah, this is hard!

I’d try to find some ground in the middle. He obviously wants to help his family, but maybe there’s another way you both can do that with out having to move in. I think it is important for you to show your DH that you want to help the family, just not by moving in.

Try to come up with ideas of how to do this. Maybe helping FIL to get a job, I don’t know. Just don’t focus on the “I DON’T WANT TO MOVE IN” part, because that’s just going to stress the hell out of you both. Try to find a solution that makes you both happy and confortable, even if you have to compromise a little bit.

Post # 4
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

Does he have some sort of plan or is he just saying you should move in until whenever? I don’t think it’s fair for you to give up your life because FIL lost his job. Like a PP said, maybe you could help them out by trying to find a job. Or maybe you could help them sell their home and buy a smaller one. 

Post # 5
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I would be feeling the same as you. I would not want to move in with my in laws because one of them lost their job. bigger here though is your DH needs to somehow figure out that saving his famil is NOT HIS JOB. At least Give his dad a chance to did a new job or figure something out before jumping on and rescuing them 

Post # 6
Member
952 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I am sorry… I am all for helping family but I would NEVER move in with them. You are right that it could destroy your marriage as well as your relationship with his family.

His parents are adults and they should find a way to manage themselves.

Post # 7
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@teebee85:  I wouldn’t be able to do it. You are closing in April… I would perhaps agree to help them out for a set period of time, say six month financially but giving them some money but I would not move in… I doubt you’d ever move out and it wouldn’t be your home… I love my in-laws, we lived with them for 3 months when my dh lost his job but nope necer again

Post # 8
Member
1952 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

There’s no way I would move in with family after being out of home for so long. No way. Help them in another way, but don’t move in with them.

Post # 9
Hostess
3787 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Absolutely not. There’s no way I would even ever ask my DH to do that. Your DH must stop and really think about whether he’s actually helping them or enabling a pattern. I’m all for helping family, and everyone falls on hard times. But it sounds like he’s bailed them out before a few times. Well, what happens in those situations? Are they living in a house that they can’t really afford? Maybe this is a good thing because it will prompt them to downsize into something more reasonable that they can better afford when FIL starts working again. 

How old are his parents? Are they close to retirement age, and have they been preparing for that? Because obviously the day will come when FIL can’t work anymore anyway, and he needs to be planning for that IMO. It’s great if you guys are in a position to help, but it sounds like they have no money and haven’t been managing what they do very well. It’s amazing that your DH is so kind and loyal, but he really needs to think about his own marriage and family wellbeing first.

Post # 10
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@teebee85:  No, you’re not being unreasonable. Provided his parents are able bodied it’s up to them to support themselves. 

It is unfair of your husband to expect you to sacrifice your life as you know it, your home and your privacy and take on the burden of financially supporting his parents when they have other options.  Help them how and when you can – give them some money to tide them over or close a gap, etc. 

If they have room for you to move in then they have room to take in paying borders too. His Mom can get a job if she doesn’t already have one. His Dad can work two jobs if he needs too. They can cancel the cable, cut coupons and sell stuff on Craigslist. 

Also, if they live irresponsibly – meaning above their means, didn’t save, are financially irresponsible – then you all jumping in to save them now is going to mean a lifetime of supporting them.  While losing a house would be hard, it’s not the worst thing in the world.  if it’s more than they can afford, it could be a blessing in disguise. 

If his parents are good people, they wouldn’t want or expect you to do this for them. 

Post # 11
Member
11712 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I wouldn’t move in with them.  I’m sorry for the situation that they’re in, but you aren’t there to pick up the pieces for them.  Maybe you and your husband can find a way to monetarily help them for a while, but even that’s above and beyond.  As adults, they have to find a way to stay afloat without forcing/manipulating/begging their children to come home to save the day.

Post # 12
Member
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@Zhabeego:  +1

Why can’t they get other renters if they have spare rooms? And realistically, if they can’t afford the mortgage they are going to have to downsize sooner or later. Why sacrifice your home life and possibly your marriage just to delay the inevitable for a few months or years?

Post # 13
Member
5997 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

Maybe I’m a cold-hearted bitch but they’re adults and you shouldn’t have to drastically alter your life to pick up the pieces. You said it was obvious he was going to be laid off…does that mean he was slacking off so they fired him or did the company just have to downsize? Either way, he can get unemployment. Judging from his “lack of skills” I’m assuming uneployment benefits would probably come close to what he was making at his job.

Post # 14
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2005

@teebee85:  I have to go with a firm NO on this one. You need to tell your husband and be 100% on this that you don’t want to do this, don’t want to give up your home, and you don’t want to move in with your in-laws. This is not just some little thing here this is a complete change in your lifestyle and IMO your husband is asking far too much of you. 

Also, I don’t see logistically how this would work out. If you’re paying the morgage would it be your home? Would it be their home? Would they rent from you? What about all of your furniture? Would they have to store theirs? What about utilities, groceries, insurance? What about having people over?Do you plan on having children soon? Are you expected to move out if he gets a new job?  – My point is this is a situation set up to fail.  You’ll end up resenting your husband and hating his family. I know it sounds dramatic but something like this could crumble even the strongest of marriages. 

His parents are adults and they need to stand on their own two feet. 

Good luck! 

Post # 15
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Well, I’m as old as most people’s parents (if not older!) but truly, I would never expect my grown up sons and their wives/partners to move in with us to save our house simply because we’d lost our jobs. I’m not being hard-hearted here but I truly expect to be able to manage our own finances. We’ve had enough years of experience! Sure, as house owners without a mortgage we do have options. Starting with downsizing. But surely your in-laws have SOME financial security? Or at least the means to achieve it?

If their house is big enough for you to live in then they need to consider renting their spare rooms. If their house is so big and expensive that they can’t maintain it then surely it’d be a relief for them to downsize rather than struggle to keep living there. Also if your FIL becomes unemployed for no fault of his own is there no welfare system available to bridge the gap while he looks for another job?

Your DH needs to be congratulated for his sense of responsibility but also, he needs to consider the effect of putting his parents needs before his marriage.  If he stepped back a bit and gave all this greater thought, I’m sure there must be other solutions beyond you both moving in. 

Post # 16
Member
3119 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

What is your husband’s proposal? Paying them rent to live there, while also continuing to pay on your townhome? Or would you be giving up the townhome? Either way, that’s a terrible solution. I’m all for helping parents out, but this is unreasonable to me. 

@Zhabeego:  has made the points I would like to make as well. 

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors