Post # 1
FIL vent. They are soooo annoying!!!!!!
So my parents, FI, and I are paying for tha majority of our wedding. FI and I haven’t discussed with his parents our wedding budget or any finances with them. He did ask them early on if they could contribute and they’re gifting us a fixed amount. Other than that they know my parents are helping as well, but they don’t know how much my parents are contributing. in reality, my parents are probably paying about 40% , FI is paying 10% and I’m paying the rest.
The other day we were having dinner with FIL’s. they asked me how planning was going and if my parents help with the planning. A little background: we’re getting married in San Diego where we live as do my parents. FILs live in Los Angeles. When FIL asked if my parents are helping, my answer was “not really My parents dont really have opinions on the wedding. They just want us (FI and i) to have what we want for the wedding.” I didnt want to make it sound like my parents arent involved though so then I said that I do tell my parents the things that we like and what our plans are, but that I handle everything myself.
A few days after dinner with FI’s parents, FBIL warns me that FILs have been going around telling various family members that they are sooooo happy that they aren’t paying more for our wedding. Apparently I’m a rich spoiled brat that is getting everything that I want for my wedding. Excuse me?!? I’m paying for a big chunk of the wedding myself. Shouldn’t I get to have things the way FI and I want? And they don’t even know what our budget is. For all they know, all I want is the cheapest and most basic things. It’s not like we’re having some big lavish wedding. We are having a moderately priced wedding. I’m very conservative when it comes to spending. We’re actually coming in under what I originally thought we would be spending. AHHHH! I just can’t stand the fact that they are criticizing me when they have no idea what they are talking about. Especially since I don’t know their extended family very well yet. I feel like they’re already trying to make me look bad.
Post # 3
@rand04: uh – i would be getting my FI to make a call. he doesn’t need to say that you know, or that anyone told you; just that he’s heard that they aren’t happy with the way planning is going and that since you are paying for such a large portion of the wedding, including more than him, it would be very unfair for people to assume you’re spoiled.
then he can point out that you’ve been doing such a great job with the costs that you’re under budget at this point etc.
if they’re smart they’ll take the hint and shut up and be thankful that they weren’t called out in front of anyone. if they’re not they’ll stamp their feet and demand to know who spilled. he shouldn’t even answer them, just repeat that he wants them to feel involved and happy about the wedding, but that any feelings that you are somehow spoiled or ungrateful would be wrong.
Post # 4
If I were your husband, I’d call and mention that you BOTH heard a rumor that you wanted to confirm, because it’s so ugly and untrue you can’t believe that was what was actually said. It does give plausible deniability – for all I know, the brother-in-law likes to cause trouble and see people squirm and took an otherwise benign comment to twist into something hurtful.
His parents can then either recognize that you -heard- what was said and offer an apology of some sort, or they can say, “Oh, we never said that.” But it will make them think far more carefully next time.
Post # 5
@peonyinlove: thanks. I’ll probably tell FI to say something and to gently remind them that I am to in any way spoiled. I think they totally interpreted what I said to them in the wrong way. I just meant to tell them that I’m independent and I don’t need to rely on my parents to help me do things. My FILs are very obsessed with money and they like to feel like they are richer than others. If they aren’t richer or more well off then somebody else they try to find other ways to bring them down. My parents are slightly more well off than FIs, but I never say anything or try to flaunt that it anyway. My parents are in no way über rich. They are comfortable, but I thnk FILs think my parents have more money than they really do.
@CookieCreamCakes: I doubt FBIL is trying to cause trouble. He’s the most easy-going guy I know. I don’t doubt FILs said it for a second. They’re actually pretty horrible people and talk crap about everyone. I try to avoid spending too much time with them as I can’t stand them. If confronted, they would totally own up to saying it and would see no need to apologize. I thnk the only thing I can do is clarify what I said and what I meant by it.