Post # 1
I’ve mentioned that FIL moved overseas here for a job that DH got him. In order for FIL to bring his LT GF (12 years), they got married at the courthouse. They said they were going to do it but nobody knew what day (he was waiting for orders) and it happened to be the same day his other son’s twin babies were born…not planned, the babies came early.
So of course, they didn’t make a big deal out of it…as in they didn’t tell anyone for days.
FIL tells me last night that he might need my help in planning a surprise wedding for SMIL. He wants to do a “ceremony” of sorts at a local castle and maybe invite some coworkers/local friends to celebrate with them.
FWIW, NO family from either side has the money or time off to fly overseas to witness this ceremony. I also think it’s kind of tacky to have just coworkers/friends from here…because they’re not very social people.
I told FIL that “I” personally don’t like surprises so I wouldn’t like someone planning a wedding for me. He said he’ll give her notice (a couple of weeks) so she can get a dress, etc.
FIL also has LOTS of debt and they can’t travel with us for the next few months b/c of this. I don’t think she’d appreciate a wedding that they can’t afford.
I also think this came up b/c DH and I are spending our anniversary in a castle…DH said his dad is a bit of a copycat…same cars, bikes, camp gear, etc.
What do you think? Help him with ideas? Or is he a crazy copycat?
Post # 3
@texasbee: Isn’t there a less flashy way you could help FIL do something special for his new wife- to celebrate thier new marriage?
Obviously I don’t know them personally, but planning a short overnight, a special evening even with just you and DH and them?
It doesn’t seem smart to steer them into more debt- espcially when those closest (family) won’t be able to attend.
Post # 4
@MrsEME: Yeah, I was thinking of pushing him in the direction of a small ceremony with a photographer and a small dinner thing. He mentioned that they didn’t have a “real” wedding since they were in jeans/t-shirts and it’d be nice to have some pics etc.
FIL and SMIL have always had a very complicated relationship. He was cheated on by DH’s mom…who turned around and married the (much much younger) guy. SMIL is divorced from a guy that abused her for years. She’s very independent and has moved out a couple of times in the past….he’s a hard man to get along with (much like DH.)
He’s so terrified of her leaving him for good that he’s very co-dependent. He’s wanted to marry her for years (gave her a ring) but she was fine being engaged. They had no choice but to get married to come here. I think he’s just wanting to give her an actual wedding.
Post # 5
- Wedding: September 2014 - Banff, Alberta
Do a ceremony for a 10 year anniversary when hopefully they will be out of debt and more family can attend.
Post # 6
@texasbee: How nice for him to want her to have a wedding – but please convince him that she may enjoy the event a whole lot more if she can choose what to wear!! And get her hair done, to say nothing of looking forward to the event. Surprises are nice but a surprise wedding reception seems a bit odd to me.
Sorry – just re-read original post – she will have a few weeks notice…. nevermind….
Post # 7
@texasbee: Maybe find out something SHE wants- especially because she is so independent. I could see him making the wrong move (even if it was a nice gesture)- and then her leaving it’s “wrong”!!
Post # 8
Personally, I don’t think I would like not having much of a say in the wedding planning process. While she’d still get a few weeks to figure out dress (which would still mean she’d have to buy it off the rack and likely pay extra for rush alterations), I think that a wedding is for 2 people and should be planned by both. That might just be me being old fashioned though. I’d personally try to steer any of my male friends away from doing this so my recommendation would be that you do the same for him.
Hope it works out well whatever happens!
Post # 9
I think it’s sweet of him that he wants to surprise her but with their finances and not being able to have family there, an actual wedding might not be the best idea. I agree with you, I would gently nudge him into the direction of planning a nice celebration on a smaller scale. How about a weekend at the spa for just the two of them? There are places that offer couples massages and romantic dinners, all included in the package. They could get all dressed up and have a photographer take pictures too.
If you have a good relationship with your SMIL, you could give her a hint that her husband is trying to do something nice for her to celebrate their marriage and ask her what she’d like?
Post # 10
@MsMeow: I thought about bringing it up to her…saying something like “you should renew your vows in that castle!” They are only supposed to be here another 1.5 years so they could wait until they got home. She has 2 daughters but only 1 talks to her. The others’ kids have been writing her (secret) letters about how much they miss her.
FIL though could barely get his only brother to say goodbye to him…they don’t have the best relationship so it would be more for her family and DH and I.
@Spartanbee: I’m old fashioned too. That’s why I was caught off guard when he mentioned it….I was a blubbering fool. And TBH, DH and his dad are not the most “romantic” guys so this is such a stretch.
Post # 11
@texasbee: Her grandkids have to write her secret letters about how much they miss her? That’s so sad.
I think it’s a good idea so mention renewing her vows in that castle and then see how she reacts. If she hates it, her husband could always surprise her with a romantic weekend getaway – who doesn’t like those? 🙂
Post # 12
@MsMeow: Apparently, one daughter was in an abusive marriage. Even got into a physical confrontation with FIL. They helped her to get a restraining order, etc. and she went back to the guy. So SMIL quit talking to her as she couldn’t stand to see her daughter in the same situation she was in before.
The daughter banned the grandkids from seeing them. And they went to their great grandma’s (SMIL’s mom) house to visit and asked her to mail the letters. Now she’s been contemplating leaving to go back home. I’m sure FIL is aware of this and is desperately trying to keep her here.
But I realized she LOVES wine…so maybe he could tell her they are renewing their vows (so she can prepare) but the location is a surprise…and then do it in one of the millions of vineyards here!
Post # 13
@texasbee: That’s a brilliant idea! 🙂 Too bad you’re too late to do it on St. Martin’s day (that’s tomorrow, btw), it’s the greatest wine-related celebration I know of. I don’t know about Germany but it’s a big deal in Slovenia. Have a look around tomorrow and if you see people eating goose or duck and drinking wine, you’ll know why 🙂