FILs and Guest List.

posted 3 years ago in Reception
Post # 3
Member
2865 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Do not make an A/b list.  This never works out well.  I would have your FI sit down with his parents and go over the list, especially if he does not recognize some names.  First drafts usually include everyone, and then cuts are made.  If he doesn’t know who someone is, have his parents explain who they are and why they should be invited.  If they don’t have a good reason, then They should cut.  

Post # 4
Member
246 posts
Helper bee

@Missanon22:  It doesn’t matter who has the bigger family- it is only fair to split the guest list in half. The one with the smaller family gets to invite more friends and co-workers.

Unless your FI voluntarily gives you some of his slots, you have no right to ask that he invites less than 50% of the guest list.

Your parents are paying for the wedding, so ask them how many people they can pay for in total. Then split that number in half. If you have more family members than available slots, either accept that you can’t invite everyone, or discuss with your parents whether you can increase the total number of guests to squeeze in more.

It doesn’t matter which side is paying for the wedding; the weddin is about the COUPLE not just the bride.

Post # 5
Member
2113 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I think you should get with your parents to find out exactly how many guests you can afford, and if there are too many on your initial list, then FI can go back to him family and let them know how many you need to shave down.

I think open communication is your best bet here. Your FIL’s didn’t do anything wrong. They simply did what you asked of them.

Post # 6
Member
6503 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Since both sides are paying (even though his parents aren’t actually contributing to the reception), I would say that both sides get to invite the same amount. It’s really not fair for your side to invite 250 and expect his parent’s to cut their list that only has 140 people on it to begin with.

Post # 7
Member
483 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Missanon22:  Both FI and I have big families. Mine is bigger but since hardly any of my fathers side will be invited FI’s side is bigger. I think you and your FI need to sit down and have a chat with your FILs. Talk to them about the size of your family and to make sure these are ppl that are going to be a positivity on your day. If they don’t get along with the person there is no need for them to be there. Honeslty I hope this doesn’t come out mean because its not the way I’m saying it but I get that your ppl are paying but to pretty much triple your FI guest list and feel annoyed about him wanting more I feel is a little unfair. Yes it alot of money but talk to your parents about your side of the list along with who your FI and his parents have on their list. Ask them to make a A and B list of those that they can understand and live with the fact that they may not be invited. Some might not come…I’m sending out invites to family that are away out of respect. See if your parents are comfortable paying for that amount of ppl. Your wedding is to celebrate two familes coming together one or the other shouldn’t take over the whole thing. Guest list are always a tricky thing…I’m going through problems of my own with ours and my FILs also. First talk to your FI then talk to your parents and see what is doable and what isn’t then talk to your FILs and see where they are coming from. Good luck with planning and hope things work out.     

Post # 10
Member
1193 posts
Bumble bee

@Missanon22:  We did the same thing you did. Created our list of must-have family and friends, which came out equal between the two sides. Then we took what was remaining, split it in half, and gave that number to our parents to invite their other friends.

My parents gave me exactly that number. FILs had 35 people over. They were doing all sorts of complicated math based on declines from his sister’s wedding, our venue size, etc. I let my FI deal with his parents (and I deal with mine). FI told them they were stressing us out. The ridiculous and unbelievable solution they agreed to was that they could invite however many people they wanted, but once the “yes” RSVP number from their side hit the venue limit, they were responsible for calling any “yeses” after that and telling them they couldn’t come. 

They literally refused to cut down their invite list. I could not believe they agreed to be so rude, and hopefully it won’t come down to that, but that will be their problem if it does. Especially because all the people they invited are people we DON’T EVEN KNOW. So clearly the invites were extended on behalf of the FILs. I understand them wanting to invite their friends, but our venue isn’t that big, and we didn’t even invite all our friends.

Its awful figuring out the invite list – good luck. A/B list gets complicated, plus you definitely will offend some people. 

Post # 11
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Missanon22:  I mean I’m gonna go against the grain, but I’m on your side haha.  I’m dealing with this too… But we have if and my friends and then we aske our parents for any family and friends they wanna invite.  My parents are FI and I are paying for the wedding.  My FIL list is as big as my friends, FI friends, my parents and family together!!! And every few days I get another address.  FI ans I went through the list, he knows like none of them!  Even more ridic she sent me an address for HER godparents kids… Uhhhh wtf?!?

We r just dealing with it right now cuz we know they aren’t gonna come but in your situation if it was me… I would have FI talk to them and explain that the wedding is becoming more $$$ than u would like and u don’t want to make your parents pay that much and see if we could cut down the list.  then I would take those names and keep as a B list… I personally don’t have an issue with a A/B list.  But u wouldn’t eve. Have to tell them there is a B list just u keep it to yourself and I bet they would b delighted to see the ppl they thought were cut there and that u made the effort to “fill their spots”. Then u look like a good guy

Post # 14
Member
1193 posts
Bumble bee

@Missanon22:  I wouldn’t do A/B list. We made our list of must-haves (including family and friends) and then gave the remainder of the available invites based on venue space and budget to our parents (split in 2 so its fair to both sides). We are only sending out ONE round of invites. Its hard enough to keep track of those as they come in!

Post # 15
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Missanon22:  that’s the thing… If your FIL cut their list down, it shouldn’t be people that they deal with a lot and talk to a lot that r cut… It SHOULD be the people that when they get an invite they are just happy to be invited and that’s also why I wouldn’t tell the inlaws that u might invite the ppl that are cut.  

i know it sounds schemey but they shouldn’t find out really cuz your in laws should cut it down to who SHOULD be invited… Aka family and close friends… Not everyone they got an Xmas card from (this is what I’m dealing with). my FIL feel if they got an Xmas card from them they should be invited to mine and FI wedding… Ummm I’m gonna have to disagree lol

Post # 16
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@LindyLu:  Holy crap on a cracker! Your FILs seriously want to let people RSVP yes and then tell them after that they can’t come?! That’s the rudest and most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in my life. I bet you they think that you won’t let them do that and will accomodate the larger number of people. That just reaks of manipulation. I’d put an end to the immediately. My FILs were having major issues sticking to the number I gave them, to the point I was afraid they would never cut it down. My initial solution was going to be having them give me their list ranked in order of importance, and I was just going to send the number of invites I had originally offered them. They came around eventually so I didn’t have to make that call, but I was definitely worried.

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