Post # 1
I need to vent!!
I come from a well-off family with a mother who thinks Emily Post is the bible. My parent’s are willing to give me a beautiful wedding. My FIL’s on the other hand don’t have a clue. My FH’s mother knows she doesn’t know anything about planning a rehearsal dinner and doesn’t care to learn or figure it out. She just pushes everything on my FH’s father and basically expects him to handle it. We gave her a book, “Mother of the Groom” when we got engaged and she has yet to open it. She doesn’t work and basically all she does is go to church everyday. My FH knows more about planning a rehearsal dinner than his parents! We have gotten to the point where we just want to elope and escape all this frustration.
My FIL are not social and don’t have that many friends either. Whereas my parents are social butterflies. I feel like my wedding is going to be a party of my side and very few people from my FH’s side. My FIL’s are also more concerned about the fact that we are not allowing kids at the wedding than they are about the fact that they have to plan the rehearsal dinner. My FH wrote them a letter explaining how his mom needed to step it up and play the proper role in the wedding along with numerous other concerns that he had and they just took it as my FH being rude.
My FILs are coming to my hometown to meet with my FH, my parents, and I in a few weeks and I’m so worried that I’m going to be so wrapped up in them embarrassing me and my parents wondering what I’m marrying into! My FH is amazing and has risen above his kooky parents (he is adopted, so he justifies that he is not blood related to these people!)
Any advice on how to deal with this??
Post # 3
I’m not sure there’s anything to deal with. While your mom is very high on etiquette, the fast is that a lot of old traditions have gone by the wayside. It would be very nice for your FILs to plan a rehearsal dinner, but it’s definitely not mandatory. It’s more of a gift. I know I won’t be getting one from my FILs.
Also, I think all of the pressure you two are putting on them may not be good for your relationship with them.
Post # 4
wow I’m sorry but I just can’t offer you the sympathy you’re looking for here.
It’s nice that your family is super traditional and “by the book” but the reality is, times are changing and many of those traditions are no longer practical or reasonable and are seldom followed. While it’s definitely nice for families to contribute to a wedding, it should not be expected. And just because your family is doing what is “tradition” should in no way obligate your FI’s family to follow suit. If your FILs want to contribute financially but don’t want to plan the rehearsal, then who says you can’t plan it?
I think you need to step back and look at the whole situation as something much more than just wedding planning. You’re building a relationship with your FILs and pushing them and making them feel like they are somehow inferior or lower class because they don’t follow Victorian etiquette, is not a great start.
I also find it sad and disturbing that your FI is making fun of them and trying to distance himself from “these people”. Obviously these are generous people who opened their home for a child that needed one and that says a lot more about a person’s class than whether or not they follow Emily Post.
Also remember that they may be just as frustrated with you and your family being super traditional. My FFIL is SUPER traditional to a fault and it drives me, my FH and my family CRAZY because we all think he is stuck in outdated traditions that no longer make sense.
I hope your able to take a step back, breathe, and realize that this is not the end of the world.
Post # 5
@Meowkers I do agree.
I don’t mean to be rude, but if anything it shows a lack of class to treat your future in-laws this way.
They opened their home to a small boy without a family. He should be honored to be their son. Him making fun of them and distancing himself is cruel. If you encourage this then you are both cruel. That is merely my opinion, I do not know the full facts, only what you have said.
It’s not their job to host a rehearsal dinner for you. Regardless of your parents playing the “traditional roles” in your wedding. This is their son, they love him. They may be sad that he is now starting a family of his own. (Which may have been a struggle for them for a while, ending in adoption).
Whatever you do, do not be ashamed of them. They are human beings and your FI’s parents. They deserve your respect. If your parents want to look down their nose at his parents, then let them. If you have a heart, stand up for them. You’ll be a member of their family soon, and that’s what families do. They care for each other, love each other and look out for each other.
Post # 6
Maybe because your weddng is not until December it still feels far off to your FMIL. I know in my case many people seemed surprised that I was already reserving venues and nailing things down. She may step up when it gets a little closer. Try not to panic. And remember, this is not just about you and your fiance, it is a joining of families. Not everything can be the way you imagine it. And be open to the possibility alternative gatherings, like a casual family BBQ or pizza party.
Post # 7
I wouldn’t worry about it. Honestly, it’s probably a blessing that she is not involved. I chose our rehearsal dinner location and made the reservation there and THEN told my FMIL where it was going to be. She was totally okay with it. Basically my future in-laws just showed up and paid for dinner. We had a small group so it didn’t require formal invites be mailed, etc. but you can find some invites you like and give them to her, along with a list of names/addresses. Bascially just take ownership of the rehearsal dinner. It doesn’t sound like she’s going to care. In fact, you’re making her life easier while at the same time, getting to control where the dinner will be held.
If your FMIL doesn’t have daughters and isn’t a girly-girl type, she just may not have any interest in wedding talk and that’s fine. Just keep her responsibilities to a bare minimum and don’t worry about it. Honestly, it’s way better to have this kind of FMIL than the one that is super nosey, opinionated, disapproving, etc. Just remember that things can ALWAYS be worse…
Post # 8
All I’m going to say is, that NO ONE (including your FILs) is required to pay for your rehearsal dinner – and Emily Post will agree (as well as no one is required to pay for your wedding, though it is tradition for the bride’s parents to do this). Is is tradition? Yes. It is proper etiquette? Absolutely not. Tradition and etiquette are two completely different things.
And I think it was really rude of your FI to tell his parents to step it up in their wedding role.
Post # 9
Some great advice that I learned early on is that NO ONE will ever care about your wedding as much as you do.
I hope that you feel better and that things work out.
Post # 10
Whoa! I agree with the other bees who’ve posted here. Wait a minute — seems to me, dare I say it too — that if anyone is violating any etiquette or ethics of human sensibility, it may be you and your FH! I agree with the others that NO ONE is required to pay for a rehearsal dinner or for anything else, for that matter. No one. It also seems clear that there is a gulf in the socio-economic department between you and your FILs. So? You knew that when you fell in love/got engaged to your guy. Deal with it. You can’t fill in those gaps now; nobody can. And I agree with the others that by pointing out all their shortcomings — which may only be shortcomings in your eyes — heck, they may be the most honourable, ethical, loving people of character one would ever want to know — you are alienating them, from yourselves and your FH and your family. I too am trying really, really hard to accept this gulf between my family and that of my FH, and believe me, I fail much of the time; don’t understand why no one bothered to encourage their kids to seek a college education or why they don’t help launch their sons out of the household before they’re well into their 30s, or why they serve themselves food with their hands and eat off paper plates each night and watch TV ’til the cows come home (what cows, we live in NYC)! but you get the idea. I fell in love with my man and I have to deal with it. But expect them to design or arrrange or pay for ANY part of my wedding or related festivities? I wouldn’t dream of it; they wouldn’t know how, aren’t interested even. They’re happy for my guy (that’s good, right), they’ll show up at the wedding, I see them at holidays, and hopefully they’ll dress nice. Period.
Post # 11
I totally agree with the other Bees. I know that you and your parents are excited about the wedding and you are very lucky to have a well off family that can pay for your wedding and that are socially in tune. However, you cannot expect everyone to be like this. It sounds like you are being a little mean in your tone about how you speak about your FILs. Hey read the other stories on the blog and some will tell you that their inlaws treat them badly, in your case it just sounds like they are not as well off or “social” enough for you and your parents liking. I’m not trying to be mean but that’s the tone I’m getting from your post. I say go in to the meeting with an open mind and concentrate more on building a relationship with “these people” because although your FH is adopted he is still a part of that family and now you will be, too.
Post # 12
I’m with you ladies. Honestly, I’m not sure the OP is coming back….
Post # 13
Hi Tanya! You got me really chuckling now at work, as I go on hour 10 or something. Took me a while to figure out what OP is… but if it’s the original poster, who’s posted two things, then you may be right! We came down pretty hard. I’m all for real. Sometimes I think that’s missing on these boards, but hey, what do I know? hehe.
Post # 14
@ JoeBeth – Yeah, I was all poised to start on my post, then realized she started it 3 days ago, and nothing since. So I didn’t bother. (If only I saw it sooner.)