Post # 1
So, my FIL’s live about .4 miles away from my fi and while I absolutely LOVE them and feel very lucky to have them as FILs, something bugs me about how close they are or maybe it’s just their personalities. They drop by unexpectedly. For example, right now, fi is out picking up couches with a friend and the doorbell rang, and its FFIL. Who is great, but still.. I wasn’t expecting him and don’t honestly really want him over right now, but he’s doing work on the house in the other room and I guess I’m just supposed to be "okay" with it. I kind of hate it. Honestly, I would hate it if it were my own parents too I think, but it’s even worse that it’s his. I know I need to talk to fi about this but he doesn’t see it as much of a problem and thinks his parents really respect our boundaries. However there have been occasions where his dad drops by to return something, and recently he rang the bell and we were having sex and when we didn’t answer he just came in and left fi’s coffee mug on the table and shouted out that it was there. It drives me NUTS! (fi wasn’t happy about that either). I would like a little bit of privacy and I don’t know how to say something without offending my fi or his parents. I know it’s only going to get worse though as I haven’t even been living here and it’s bugging me, but now I’m officially living here and I don’t know what to do! Is anyone in the same situation, or had to handle a similar situation?? Please advise!!
Post # 3
Oh wow. your FI definitely needs to say something — does this not bother him?? You guys need to have your own private married space; that’s why you don’t live with his parents! Something as simple as, "Hey guys, I’d really appreciate it if you call before you stop by," should be sufficient. If it’s not, maybe next time one of you needs to answer the door semi-naked, and that will shame them into staying away! ; )
Post # 4
Whoa! That is rough! Do you keep the door unlocked or do the FILs have a set of keys? You should definitely talk to your FI about this because you will just start resenting it more and more. I also think issues with the ILs should be ‘nipped in the bud’ ASAP to keep bad habits from becoming routine. It’ll be harder to stop them if you let it go on for years.
Post # 5
wow, you’re story reminded me of "Everybody Loves Raymond!" I feel you two need to serioulsy have a talk with them, and I def agree with amysue. We had a similiar issue with his parents, but we moved to another town (just 15 mins away) …prob not an option for you, but now we actually miss each other and make it a point to see one another once a week, so it worked out great for both of us. Good luck with everything!
Post # 6
I could TOTALLY see my FIL’s doing this … we are moving 2 1/2 hours away from our families, so it shouldn’t be able to happen … I would talk to your FH … and take away their keys, because obviously they have no boundaries.
Post # 7
heheheheh .4 miles away you say – oh the luxury… my inlaws live immediately behind our house (and they took a panel out of the fence seperating us) and they have a key to our house
we also have rules – they dont drop over unless its something important or they phone first and they never ever come into the house without ringing the doorbell. my hubby is the one that pushed these points from day 1 because i wasnt going to have them wander in anytime they wanted
at the beginning, if they did just drop over hubby would be firm and say stuff like ‘dad/mum, we are doing just the 2 of us stuff today – we need this time because we work so much during the week so i’ll call you later’
as far as dropping over during sex – be louder next time!!! if that doesnt give dad the hint to get the heck out i dont know what will 🙂
Post # 8
I would hate this too. If you already gave them keys I guess you can’t really ask for them back, but I think you’d be well within your rights to ask them to call you first. If they refuse to do that, you could refuse to open the door if you aren’t expecting guests (which is perfectly fine, lots of people do that). Your fi needs to deal with it mostly since they are his parents, but you’ll just have to back each other up 🙂 We lived next door to FMIL for 6 weeks once and she didn’t drop in all that often but I still didn’t like it much, so I don’t blame you at all.
Post # 9
Your FI needs to say something to his family about respecting your boundaries. Also, how is anyone even able to get into your house without you letting them in? You should not let them have a set of keys if you can’t trust them to stay out in non-emergency situations. Change your locks and have your FI talk to them at the same time saying that you two love living so close, but need space and privacy as a newly married/engaged couple.
Post # 10
Haha. I immediately thought of the "Everybody Loves Raymond" similarity. 🙂 My parents live about the same distance from my sister and my parents always have a rule that they will call before they come over. But it’s still too close to me. We love our hour buffer zone! 🙂
Post # 11
They have had the keys for years, and I definitely have no say in that. They also just told my fi to make me a copy of their keys so I can drop by any time too, whether they are home or not, use their pool, etc. They are great so it’s not about that and I really don’t want to offend them at all. FMIL actually usually really does respect boundaries and never stops by without calling- its more FFIL because he’s always helping out around the house, etc. I can see how it wasn’t a big deal when my fi was alone but I definitely need to talk to him (fi) about talking to them about it. It’s really annoying! I’m going to bring it up with him this week, and maybe in our premarital therapy 🙂 I think it’s an important issue! Thanks for all your advice… haha, yes kind of like everybody loves raymond, except they are a lot nicer in-laws!
Post # 12
I would start locking my door. Maybe try talking with them first, but don’t unlock the door unless you want them to come in, basically.
Whoops, didn’t realise that they had keys. My bad.
In that case…yeah. Talk to them — warn them that they might walk in on you guys, if it comes down to it!
(But that is really annoying that they would just "drop by" like that.)
Post # 13
- Wedding: September 2018 - The Desmond Hotel in Malvern, PA
I’ve never been a "just drop by" kind of person, so this would bother me, too. My parents live nearby but always call first, and Mr. C’s parents live a few hours away so we have never run into this sort of problem. Maybe you can just chalk it up to never being a "just drop by" kind of person growing up, and your fi can explain it to his parents this way?
Also they need to understand that sometimes you two just want to be alone — it sounds like you have just recently moved in together, and will soon be newlyweds, so just having your fi tell them that you’re in that adjustment phase where everything is new and you need your alone time with no surprises is important to the transition… hopefully that will give them the hint 🙂
Post # 14
Hopefully once you are both officially married, they will have some reservations about just "popping" in. It’s too bad that’s currently the situation b/c I don’t think that anyone should just pop in unannounced. I’m sure your FI will get sick of it eventually esp once you are both married and do "married" things..
Post # 15
All of my husband’s family live within about a mile of us. But there has always been a ‘call before you come over’ understanding anytime we/they need to drop by. I think it’s a pretty easy courtesy to maintain.
Like others have said, maybe just have your fi have a conversation with his folks, nothing to long or involved is necessary, just something along the lines of being newlyweds and wanting some more privacy. The sooner you set boundaries with family, the easier it becomes to maintain down the road. If you let things go on too long, it will drive you nuts, and let them think it’s ok!
Post # 16
Is it possible that your FH knows when his dad is going to stop by but just forgets to tell you? You said that he mainly does it when he is doing work on the house. I’m guessing someone had to tell his Dad that there was a problem to begin with and that you needed help fixing it. I feel like whenever my family has come over to help us with house stuff, we kind of expected it because we knew that we had asked for their help.