(Closed) FIL’s just “dropping by” …really??

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Oh wow. your FI definitely needs to say something — does this not bother him?? You guys need to have your own private married space; that’s why you don’t live with his parents! Something as simple as, "Hey guys, I’d really appreciate it if you call before you stop by," should be sufficient. If it’s not, maybe next time one of you needs to answer the door semi-naked, and that will shame them into staying away! ; )

Post # 4
Member
636 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Whoa! That is rough! Do you keep the door unlocked or do the FILs have a set of keys? You should definitely talk to your FI about this because you will just start resenting it more and more.  I also think issues with the ILs should be ‘nipped in the bud’ ASAP to keep bad habits from becoming routine.  It’ll be harder to stop them if you let it go on for years.

Post # 5
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

wow, you’re story reminded me of "Everybody Loves Raymond!" I feel you two need to serioulsy have a talk with them, and I def agree with amysue. We had a similiar issue with his parents, but we moved to another town (just 15 mins away) …prob not an option for you, but now we actually miss each other and make it a point to see one another once a week, so it worked out great for both of us. Good luck with everything!

Post # 6
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I could TOTALLY see my FIL’s doing this … we are moving 2 1/2 hours away from our families, so it shouldn’t be able to happen … I would talk to your FH … and take away their keys, because obviously they have no boundaries.

Post # 7
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

heheheheh .4 miles away you say – oh the luxury… my inlaws live immediately behind our house (and they took a panel out of the fence seperating us) and they have a key to our house

BUT

we also have rules – they dont drop over unless its something important or they phone first and they never ever come into the house without ringing the doorbell. my hubby is the one that pushed these points from day 1 because i wasnt going to have them wander in anytime they wanted

at the beginning, if they did just drop over hubby would be firm and say stuff like ‘dad/mum, we are doing just the 2 of us stuff today – we need this time because we work so much during the week so i’ll call you later’

as far as dropping over during sex – be louder next time!!!  if that doesnt give dad the hint to get the heck out i dont know what will πŸ™‚

goodluck!

Post # 8
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

I would hate this too. If you already gave them keys I guess you can’t really ask for them back, but I think you’d be well within your rights to ask them to call you first. If they refuse to do that, you could refuse to open the door if you aren’t expecting guests (which is perfectly fine, lots of people do that). Your fi needs to deal with it mostly since they are his parents, but you’ll just have to back each other up πŸ™‚ We lived next door to FMIL for 6 weeks once and she didn’t drop in all that often but I still didn’t like it much, so I don’t blame you at all.

Post # 9
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Your FI needs to say something to his family about respecting your boundaries. Also, how is anyone even able to get into your house without you letting them in? You should not let them have a set of keys if you can’t trust them to stay out in non-emergency situations. Change your locks and have your FI talk to them at the same time saying that you two love living so close, but need space and privacy as a newly married/engaged couple.

Post # 10
Member
1357 posts
Bumble bee

Haha. I immediately thought of the "Everybody Loves Raymond" similarity. πŸ™‚ My parents live about the same distance from my sister and my parents always have a rule that they will call before they come over. But it’s still too close to me. We love our hour buffer zone! πŸ™‚

Post # 12
Member
2820 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I would start locking my door. Maybe try talking with them first, but don’t unlock the door unless you want them to come in, basically.

Whoops, didn’t realise that they had keys. My bad.

In that case…yeah. Talk to them — warn them that they might walk in on you guys, if it comes down to it!

(But that is really annoying that they would just "drop by" like that.) 

Post # 13
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - The Desmond Hotel in Malvern, PA

I’ve never been a "just drop by" kind of person, so this would bother me, too. My parents live nearby but always call first, and Mr. C’s parents live a few hours away so we have never run into this sort of problem. Maybe you can just chalk it up to never being a "just drop by" kind of person growing up, and your fi can explain it to his parents this way? 

Also they need to understand that sometimes you two just want to be alone — it sounds like you have just recently moved in together, and will soon be newlyweds, so just having your fi tell them that you’re in that adjustment phase where everything is new and you need your alone time with no surprises is important to the transition… hopefully that will give them the hint πŸ™‚

Post # 14
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Hopefully once you are both officially married, they will have some reservations about just "popping" in.  It’s too bad that’s currently the situation b/c I don’t think that anyone should just pop in unannounced. I’m sure your FI will get sick of it eventually esp once you are both married and do "married" things..

Post # 15
Member
1116 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

All of my husband’s family live within about a mile of us.  But there has always been a ‘call before you come over’ understanding anytime we/they need to drop by.  I think it’s a pretty easy courtesy to maintain.

Like others have said, maybe just have your fi have a conversation with his folks, nothing to long or involved is necessary, just something along the lines of being newlyweds and wanting some more privacy. The sooner you set boundaries with family, the easier it becomes to maintain down the road.  If you let things go on too long, it will drive you nuts, and let them think it’s ok!

Post # 16
Member
908 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Is it possible that your FH knows when his dad is going to stop by but just forgets to tell you?  You said that he mainly does it when he is doing work on the house.  I’m guessing someone had to tell his Dad that there was a problem to begin with and that you needed help fixing it.  I feel like whenever my family has come over to help us with house stuff, we kind of expected it because we knew that we had asked for their help. 

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