FIL's long term mistress wants to come to wedding

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Nope. She would not be welcome at my wedding.

Post # 4
8390 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@LVconfusion:  Not sure if “adulterous mistress” really goes with the whole “wedding theme.”  I’m all about +1s, but I think I’d have to pass on this one.

Post # 5
1190 posts
Bumble bee

@housebee:  hahaha! That’s hilarious!

I am +5000 with you, OP. I would not want that woman at my wedding either. I think you should have your fiance have a talk with his father about not bringing that woman. I do not want you to seem like the bad person in this situation, and I don’t think it’s your place to have a talk straight with your future FIL. Your fiance needs to understand how much drama that would cause, and that by bringing her, it would cause a great amount of stress on what’s supposed to be a happy day. And your future FIL wants you and FI to be happy, right? It would be quite selfish for him to bring her and disregard your feelings.

Post # 6
1071 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Greenbrier Country Club

ewwe. She wouldn’t be invited to my wedding. 

Post # 7
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I would invite her, since she’s important to FIL.

Post # 8
5351 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I’m sorry but I think this decision should be left up to your FI. You have said your peace (which I would of done the same) but you should let him decide if he wants his father’s “lady friend” there or not; it’s his family therefore his decision. 

Post # 11
1243 posts
Bumble bee


Regardless of how their relationship started, the fact is that you FI’s mother is dead, and your FFIL lives with this woman (you don’t mention how long they have been cohabitating).  In such circumstances, despite your dislike of her, you really should invite her to the wedding.

How does your FI feel about it?

You know, life is complex, and so are marriages.  No one, not even kids, will ever know the inner workings of someone else’s marriage, and their relationship dynamic. Perhaps they were intensely unhappy for years, but chose to stay together for whatever reason.  You may not agree with their actions, but I would encourage you to withhold judgment based soley on how their relationship came to be. I’ve found that there were lots of situations that were very black and white to me until I was in them, and then I realized there were many shades of gray.

Post # 12
944 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@LVconfusion:  While I do agree it will up to you fiance to decide who’s invited on his side, I dont blame you for disliking the woman. But perhaps you have some underlying hatred posed at your FIL for his decisions to break his marriage vows? It doesn’t seem like she was married at the time.  Has you FI ever had a discussion with his dad about this? Or is the betrayal the white elephant in the room? 

Post # 14
1662 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I would choose whatever option causes the least amount of drama for the group as a whole. 

Post # 15
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@LVconfusion:  Honestly, I’d leave it up to your FI. If he loves his dad and wants his dad to be happy (and wants a good relationship with his dad going forward) then I think he’ll eventually need to forgive his dad for the adultery and accept that this woman is in the picture now. If yoru FI wants to be the bigger person and accept his father’s past mistakes and his father’s current choices, then I think you should let him – it’s his family. 

Post # 16
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Hi @LVconfusion:  First and foremost, I see this is your DEBUT post on WBee… so a BIG Welcome to “the Hive”

Tough situation… so I feel for you.  And I should also say I GET your anger… (( HUGS ))

I am a bit of an Etiquette Snob… lol, here on WBee (mostly because of my upbringing & career), so I am going to answer your Question from that POV

The truth is your Fiance’s Mom is no longer in the picture.  And his Father is.

IF your Hubby-2B wants his Dad there , then he really has to give him a Plus One

(Traditional Etiquette would state that Plus Ones should be given to all “immediate family members” Parents, Siblings, who are over the age of 18, and single)

And if that Plus One (& Guest) means that his Father chooses to bring this “adultress mistress” (lol) as his guest, so be it.  That is his choice.  You as the Host can only dictate part of the equation in this circumstance…

On the other hand, the other choice, would be not only a SNUB to her, but also a SNUB to your Fiance’s Father… by either

(a) Inviting just the Dad (NO Plus One & Guest… by name or not)


(b) Not Inviting the Dad

Honest, it is a tough place to be… no matter what you do in this circumstance (short of Eloping) you two are going to find yourself in a situation where there sounds like there is going to be some family drama.

I wish you well… but at least now you are aware of the Etiquette Facts.

Hope this helps,

PS… Just a note about Etiquette. They are called the Rules of Etiquette, in so much that if one holds true to them then the majority of times they will cause less stress than if you waiver away from them.  BUT they aren’t cast in stone, just like any other issue when it comes to Manners, people have to make a choice… there is a “risk” associated in going against the grain, but it certainly can be a choice.

Example:  “Adultress Mistress” comes to the Wedding and it ends up that YOU the Host / Honoured Couple have to have her at your Wedding… and swallow that bitter pill… worse case scenario she makes a scene.  Best case scenario you find a way to stay busy with all your Guests and don’t see her a lot.  Versus, you don’t invite her, or Fiance’s Father, and chances are that the family DRAMA & TRAUMA will ramp up even higher.

In the end the reality is…

1- They are together.  That may not change.  So you might not like it but you have to get used to it in one way or another, no matter how you address the situation.

2- Fiance’s Mother is dead, you cannot bring her back.  True, she cannot be replaced, and she didn’t deserve this crap when she was alive.  But you have to choose how you honour her.  Nothing says you cannot do something better for her than you do for the cheating bum her Hubby was.  Usually the Parents of the Couple are the MOST HONOURED OF GUESTS… Bride’s Parents followed by the Grooms (traditional etiquette).  There is nothing to say in THIS SITUATION you cannot put more emphasis on Your Parents and his Mother than the Father.  There is certainly ways to make happen…

Question – The Groom’s Parents traditionally host the Rehearsal Dinner… at this point in time what are your plans for that ?


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