Post # 1
Last week FFIL told FH and I that they wanted to get us a videographer. They didn’t give us any information about the person, but we had to tell them yes or no. I wasn’t really comfortable getting another vendor 5 weeks before my wedding and knowing nothing about them. Not to mention that we weren’t planning on spending the money for a videographer knowing we’d watch the DVD maybe once – so it was a waste of our money.
FMIL then reveals a few days later that she wanted to ‘surprise’ us with it!!! REALLY?!?!?! Is it normaly to surprise the bride on her wedding day with an extra vendor that none of the other vendors will know about???? So I’m greatful to FFIL for having the sense to ask us.
Meanwhile, they apparently feel bad because they are ‘trying’ to contribute but keep getting shot down by me/FH or my parents. They want to be invovled. While I understand this, and I appreciate their generosity, I feel like they are going about it the wrong way.
We approached FFIL, and told him that while we were greatful and appreciative of their offer, we felt bad because we knew we wouldn’t watch the DVD and didn’t want to waste their money. At that time, he briefly mentioned some other idea they had that my mom ‘nixed.’
So I asked my mom about this ‘nixed’ idea and she told me that months ago the FILs approached my parents and again, wanted to SURPRISE us with a photo montage of me and FH. My mom told them that she was OK with it, but they should check with us because I don’t like surprises. They never said anything until FFIL briefly mentioned it the other night. Obviously they had decided against the idea (FMIL had to sort through boxes of old pics of FH growing up). So my mom didn’t ‘nix’ it like FFIL said.
I don’t understand why they feel they need to surprise us in order to contribute to our wedding??? And why it has to be on their terms? I know they have made suggestions about contributions, but if they want to contribute so badly, why can’t they just approach us and say “Look, we’d like to contribute to your wedding, what can we do?” Instead of coming up with ideas of what THEY want, and then getting offended when we don’t want to do it? I feel bad because they feel bad, but it is not their wedding and I’d like to have a say in all aspects, and not be surprised. We are thankful that they would like to contribute, and we have told them as such. But I don’t feel comfortable saying “well why don’t you contribue to our brunch?” because its their money.
Anyone else have this issue? Or am I being totally mean and bitchy?
Post # 3
My FMIL was trying to surprise me and planned a reception behind my back and justified her behavior as acceptable because my family and I kept shooting down all her ideas and she wanted to contribute. We were eloping and I didn’t feel comfortable saying if she really wanted to contribute, some airline miles or hotel points would be nice, so I didn’t ask for anything. So she decided planning a reception and keeping it a secret from the 3 people that kept shooting down all her ideas was a fantastic plan. I guess that’s similar to what you’re going through.
You were way nicer than I was.
Post # 4
You are not being totally mean. It’s not at all unreasonable to want to have some control over the wedding and make sure everything goes smoothly. I think the fact that they are trying to surprise you insad of just talking about it is kind of weird in a controlling kind of way. Or maybe they just love surprising each other and this is their way of welcoming you nto the fold.
Post # 5
Thanks ladies! I can’t keep harping on this with FH, because they are his parents, and he feels bad for them because they are trying to contribute, and I think he was leaning towards letting them do the videographer just so they could say they contributed. He thinks I am being mean because I keep bringing it up – but I can’t help it! Its really bothering me!!
Oh yeah, I also had to mention that there is still probably a 50% chance that a videographer will show up – because FILs also have a communication issue, and even though we thanked them and said no, they may still go on with it anyway because they ‘forgot.’
@ananeele: I think I remember reading your post – that is just HORRIBLE. I wouldn’t be as nice if it were a whole wedding…FILs couldn’t afford to throw that for us, so they’d never go that far.
Post # 6
I completely understand. FMIL is trying to be generous and be involved by offering me all the things she used on her wedding… but she got married in the 80’s and her diamante chocker, lace fingerless gloves aka Madonna Gloves and a big poofy veil are not items that a. go with the dress I am forking $2500 out for and b. go with my overall wedding feel
I feel really bad for saying no as she is obviously trying to help, but she really isnt thinking about how I would feel. I am sure that when she got married her MIL’s wedding accessories did not go with her wedding look either.
Post # 7
@Bears-bub: Thanks! Yes, I don’t think FMIL really cares what I would want or like, she just wants to do what she likes. Like the videographer, she realllly wants us to have it, she doesn’t care that we don’t want it. She doesn’t ask us, she just tells us, which really irks me.
Post # 8
I feel like your not communicating effectively with your FIL’s. The way I’m reading this is that they feel rejected by you because you dislike the ideas they have. Even though you may not actually feel this way the road block to their ideas seems to be your dislike of surprises so they may be reading it this way.
I think the best way for you to handle this situation is to actually tell your FFIL what you want. Tell him you truly appreciate what they want to do for you but would like to meet with this vendor to be positive that it will work with your other vendors. You are coming off unappreciative to them and that is souring their view of you. Play it up like you really think they are wonderful and you would love to include them in the planning. Maybe you could suggest some other things you need done currently so as to give them something to contribute to.
Post # 9
Am I the only one who would be HAPPY that my FIL’s would get me a videographer, when I saw get involved I assumed it was going to be a guest list problem/inviting people. But they are GIVING you something. 0_o
That’s just me though, I mean what bad will come from allowing them to gift you a videographer??? Just my small budget bride mentality :/
Post # 10
@FutureMrsMenjivar: I had a big budget and would have been thrilled with a videographer even if it was a surprise.
If they want to contribute, and you don’t want any of their contributions in the form they would like to provide, why don’t you suggest something? You could say something to the effect of, “We are so appreciative of the things that you have wanted to give us. We would actually love to have XXX but it wasn’t in our budget. Since you would like to help, we would be so thankful for this.” and see what the reaction is.
Post # 11
Yes, we have told them that we are appreciative. And yes, there is a communication issue with them. As you suggested, all they hear is us disliking the idea. We tried asking them for some information about the videographer, but they (FMIL) was caught up in the idea that ‘everybody’ has this and we HAVE to have it. So I get irritated being told what to do, hiding our appreciation. They never even gave us this vendor’s name. All they said was that they had an info sheet we could fill out. I told them we’d like to meet or talk with him – again we don’t get an answer. We are again just given the option to say yes or no. So the bottom line was that we again thanked them and told them we appreciate it, but we would feel bad wasting their money – to us we would rather their money go towards something else we’d appreciate and not a DVD we’d watch once.
Unfortunately I don’t feel comfortable just asking them to contribute/pay for something else, I feel like that would offend them even more. I told FH if he is comfortable saying that then he should tell his parents what we’d like, but I don’t know if he is either.
I did realize that at one point they probably thought I was rude and horrible because I wasn’t expressing my appreciation enough, but I just don’t like being told I ‘have’ to have something and given no chance to investigate it. Its like they are only willing to contribute on their terms. So FH and I did go back and made sure to start the conversation by thanking them.
I’ll ask FH again to see if he’d ask his parents to contribute to something specific that we want.
I appreciate your feedback – I will try to make sure I am always showing them appreciation.